#messages like this are so interesting because what are you trying to accomplish here

[anotherpapercut]

I agree that drugs should be legalised and not stigmatized but you're delusional if you think "most drugs can be consumed completely safely with almost 0 risk to the user"

I think the key here is the word "can" by which I mean that if consumed in safe doses and safe environments and from safe sources etc most like mainstream drugs (I'm thinking of like mdma, LSD, shrooms, ketamine, coke) CAN be consumed safely with very little risks. I know this to be a fact #1. because I've done a lot of actual research on this where I've read numerous sources from scientists doctors and users as opposed to just say taking in the abstinence only information I received during school, reading a couple Tumblr posts and assuming I know everything there is to know about the topic and #2 I've used every drug I just listed and more and never suffered any adverse effects because I did my research, tested them for impurities when appropriate, and took other measures to ensure my safety

there are obviously exceptions and drugs that just shouldn't be fucked with (meth and heroin is what I'm thinking, but I also know people who have consumed these once or twice with 0 repercussions because that's how human experience works), but if you're actually interested in learning more about the many ways in which you were lied to about how "illegal drugs" are somehow automatically much worse for you than prescription drugs or socially acceptable drugs (like caffeine and alcohol) then feel free to either 1. do your own ACTUAL research that does not involve trusting for profit rehab centers and abstinence only educators (I'll even get you started with a couple good resources) or 2. message me off anon to have a real discussion about the mechanisms by which the most common drugs operate and the ways in which they can be consumed as safely as you can consume alcohol cigarettes and energy drinks but sending me your half cocked uninformed and unnecessarily insulting opinion on anon is not exactly productive. additionally, I'm sure you can see why I struggle to see or believe that you ACTUALLY think drugs should be destigmatized and aren't just parroting what you think the correct woke opinion is when you refuse to even take the very first step to destigmatizing drugs, drug use, and drug users and actually unlearn all the stigmatizing things you've been taught

I know that it's a lot easier just to port over all the things you've learned from dubious sources that you trusted implicitly because they claimed to be an authority and not actually do the work required to achieve the goals you claim to support, but easier doesn't mean right

[pearl-tarotist]

ꕥღ What fanfic trope do your fs and you resemble?ღꕥ

As the first PAC of my collection "cliche moments with your fs", this tarot reading tries to tag the dynamic of your relationship with your fs in a fanfic trope.

P1-P2-P3:

PILE 1: "Sometimes I lay in bed at night just saying your name"

Insecure love interest x Successful lover

The dynamic between your fs and you feels protective and encouraging. But it seems that one of you, even if you are successful and productive, does not feel good enough to be in a relationship with the love interest. I see cute and beautiful interactions at the beginning of your relationship, where the insecure part blushes and hugs themselves in a protective way, while the other part is just happy to be able to interact with them, their eyes shining and body leaning towards the other in interest. The more secure person is truly successful with the magician's energy. This connection really makes sense if it is interpreted in an "office scenario" where the more extroverted part is doing a good job in a more visible department while the other is busy with the internal operations of the company. The extroverted part is always smiling for the other, but it seems that their romantic signals and flirting goes unnoticed by the insecure one, nevertheless, they just keep trying and scheming to interact with the "insecure" person in a way that seems unplanned, even when they are really planning it so the interactions seem natural and do not scare the other. Once the outgoing person understands that their romantic interest likes them but is keeping their distance to avoid damaging their reputation, they will increase their efforts to win them over. They will compliment and affectionate touch them for a time. Building up their love interest's self-esteem appears to be the initial step towards a stable relationship, so they will strive to accomplish this.

(5 of Gems - Ten of Shells - The Magician - Ace of Roses - Five of Shells)

Channeled messages:

Katniss Everden and Peeta Mellark: "You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know"

Edward x Bella in Twilight.

Bridget Jones!!

"Bridget: I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't. Mark: And can you think of three? Bridget: Yes. Mark: Which are? Bridget: First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin, my legs only come up to here, and yes, I will always be just a little bit fat."

PILE 2: "pieces of me exist in every person i've ever loved"

"Work team trope"

The start of this relationship has a purpose. Maybe it's because of your job. It seems you both spend time together to achieve an objective. It may be due to work, a college project, a competition or debate... Both of you would be interested in achieving a common goal. It appears that for this aim, the both of you ought to work together and express your ideas, visions, and intentions for the project. This love is honest and gradual. It will occur without any of you noticing. For instance, one day you may go to work and notice that they appear more attractive than usual or that their smile is lovely. You will get used to each other's presence without even realizing it. And when that person is no longer around, you will notice their absence greatly! You will miss each other so much that it will drive you both crazy. You'll wonder why you feel this way. It's a strange but warm feeling in your chest. When you collaborate with them, you'll start to stutter, blush, and get nervous in their presence mid-collaboration! I can also imagine some of you working in a laboratory or hospital - somewhere bright and very clean. This project will be a triumph that warrants some revelry! You will realize that you are a great team and are likely to continue working together on other topics.

(King of Shells - Ace of Wings - 3 of Shells - 7 of Shells)

Channelled messages:

(500) Days of summer

The office (Pam and Jim)

The fault in our starts: “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

PILE 3: "you are such a soft and messy thing"

"Love at first sight x long-distance relationship"

In a trip, in a foreign land, you meet someone so beautiful in your eyes that you are convencied that they are your soulmate. You start to develop these unlogical feelings of posesiveness every time you see them with another person and you try to keep the same behaviour even if your feelings are not. You wait for a sign as the days go by, while you need to return to your country. You are unsure whether you should express your feelings towards someone you have recently met. You have and want the "perfect life" and this just feels like an obstacle to achieve it. Regardless, on the day before departing, you express your emotions to the other individual and initiate a relationship with them, even if it requires sacrificing some aspects of your life. The other person shares your feelings, but they did not want to stop your development in other aspects of your life such as work or college, that's why they did not declare. You both form a relationship, sometime, long-distance or in-person, and take the time to get to know each other and the cultures you each belong to.

Channelled messages:

Romeo and Juliet

Mamma Mia

[darcytaylor]

Nicola’s message is a reality check that everyone should listen to. We can - and need to - do better. (Harper Bazaar Woman of the Year Awards)

For a while now, I’ve been saying here on my blog: speculation is not fact. We don’t - and never will - know the ins and outs of anyone’s private life, especially when it comes to someone like Nicola Coughlan. Yet so many people see her holding hands with someone and jump to conclusions, acting like they’re gospel truth. Can we please take a moment to think about why holding hands with a guy is somehow “evidence” of a relationship, but when she holds hands with female friends, no one bats an eye? (and no this is not where I want you to go into detail about all of your reasonings why she is dating someone, the point is WE DON'T KNOW - because we don't actually know her! And if someone says otherwise, they are lying!)

Even if Nicola is in a relationship, let’s remember that we don’t actually know anything about it, which is exactly how it should be. And for those hinting about pregnancy, even if they’re trying to be subtle with terms like “delicate position” - it’s beyond invasive, and it’s honestly FUCKED UP! People know exactly what you're suggesting, and Nicola called that behaviour out directly in her speech. If you’re focusing on her body rather than her work, you’re part of the problem. (You can read my pinned post where I go into more detail why speculating on pregnancy is fucked)

If Nicola doesn't like the way the media is portraying her, it's unlikely she would appreciate fans doing the same thing. Sometimes, people try to justify their actions by separating the media from fan behaviour, but the impact on her is the same. We need to remember that our assumptions, even if you think they are innocent, can be damaging.

What fans talk about often drives what the media focuses on, because they’re chasing clicks. If people weren’t feeding into it, the media wouldn’t have as much to go off.

What the fans talk about and what the media produces, go hand-in-hand, and ignoring that is a big part of the problem. Trying to justify it doesn’t change the fact that it can still affect Nicola - especially if she’s made it clear she’s uncomfortable and hates these narratives.

Nicola’s speech was a call out to reconsider how people engage with her personal life. I know I’ve been working on doing better, and I think everyone else in this fandom could stand to do the same. Instead of spinning theories about her relationships or appearance, maybe we could all step back, respect her boundaries, and celebrate her for what she wants to be recognized for: her achievements and her talent. Let's try not to make her whole personality about a guy.

Nicola took a stand on the insane focus on things like her relationship status, age, or dress size - topics that constantly overshadow her career and accomplishments. You can tell it's exhausting for her to be boxed into these labels, and she deserves better.

One of the best parts of her speech last night, for me, was when she praised her longtime inspiration, Victoria Beckham, who was right there in the audience. Nicola talked about how much Victoria meant to her growing up, especially for how she handled herself through nonstop scrutiny. Both women have had to deal with some of the same pressures -where fans and the media feel entitled to critique and dissect every aspect of their lives.

Nicola made it clear she’s tired of being defined by these things. People are more interested in latching onto rumours about her relationship status (even though we have zero confirmation of who she’s dating) or making guesses about her body, including potential pregnancy, all because of how she looks on any given day. This rush to define her identity based on whether she’s seen with someone or holding hands? It’s reductive and invasive.

Honestly, Nicola’s message is a reality check that everyone should listen to. We can - and need to - do better.

To the bigger creators: you especially have to do better because I can see some of you fuelling everything that Nicola hates. (I actually don’t think it’s the people who ship Luke and Nicola because that is part of her job, that is part of Bridgerton and her work, it’s a testament to how good of a job both her and Luke did, Nicola understands that). But the people who are shipping her with people outside of her work? DO BETTER!

And yes, I am also putting myself in the category of doing better. I think it’s imperative to look at past behaviours and strive to do better and be better.

EDIT: THIS PICTURE IS GORGEOUS! The flowers, the lighting, the vibe. It's perfect!

[sirfrogsworth]

Stephen Shore is a famous photographer most noted for his work in the 1970s.

He is now an old man.

And sadly, he just yelled at a cloud.

As he was giving his lecture to a Chinese audience, he noticed many people on their phones. And he paused his lecture and said the following...

"Just before you ask that question – I’m gonna say something, and I apologize in advance because it’s gonna be rude. But it’s something [that’s been] on my mind as I experience the modern world. Since we’re talking about attention, I think we understand each other. And I think you understand the value of attending to daily life. I saw at least a dozen of you who spent the entire lecture looking at your phones. You’ve come here. You come here to hear a talk and you can’t even pay attention to who you’ve come to listen to. How can you pay attention to the food you eat, or the feel of the sun on your skin?"

He then walked off before finishing the lecture he agreed to.

But his audience wasn't actually distracted by their phones...

They were taking notes.

And I guess he wasn't used to having such a studious audience. He didn't even consider cultural differences or even people needing to translate things.

Personally, I'd see note-taking as a sign of respect, but I suppose he had no way of knowing what they were using their phones for.

Eventually he was told the audience was taking notes. He said he "felt better" about the situation. And that is where I feel he lost me. He didn't apologize. He didn't agree to redo the lecture. He just attended to his own feelings about the situation and didn't consider the audience that clearly wanted to learn from him.

Personally, I have a hard time connecting with Stephen's work.

And his portraits are all very... deer in headlights.

He just kinda blasts people in the face with a flash.

I think the only thing that saves these photos is the unfamiliar era and being shot on film.

I think the idea is to find beauty and art in the mundane. But I just see the mundane.

Though, plenty of people have trouble with my product photography for similar reasons. I love sculpting with light. I like seeing if I can take a jar of hair gel or nail clippers and make them beautiful and interesting just with fancy lighting. But so many people say it looks fake or like soulless CGI.

So maybe I don't have any room to speak about these mundane photos.

I guess it is the "craft vs art" spectrum.

There are people that only do technical photography. Like those Amazon product shots on white backgrounds. There is archival photography, archeological photography, and forensic photography. Private investigators use some very advanced telephoto techniques usually reserved for artistic bird photography to capture cheating partners.

There is no limit to how advanced and technical photography can get and often artistic intent is not involved.

But there are also purely artistic photographers that only learn the bare minimum to accomplish their aesthetic goals and just lean into the artistic message over the technical quality of the actual photos.

Like a guitarist only learning power chords.

Some photographers will even brag about how non-technical they are and wear it as a badge of honor—as if that makes them more authentic. They act like they are above learning that techie mumbo jumbo. Or they will claim they are too old to learn it.

Annie Leibovitz barely knows how modern cameras work. All of the lights are set for her. She has another photographer take test photos and once he has dialed in all of the settings, he hands her the camera and she presses the button. She knew her shit back in the days of film but she is more of an art director nowadays. I don't know if I could do what she does. I think she is still quite artistically skilled and often gets good results. But I just don't care for her attitude that she can't learn new things. As I get older I try very hard to make sure I don't fall into that mentality.

On the flip side, Ansel Adams built custom dark rooms with special equipment that he basically invented to help him develop or "photoshop" his film photography. He learned every technical detail that could fit in his brain so he could use it to elevate his photography.

But he also realized that you could be both technical and artistic. He blended art and craft so brilliantly and I think that is my sweet spot. When people take the time to figure out both aspects and don't lean too far one way or the other on that spectrum.

I just have trouble connecting with photography that is all art and no craft. I like seeing the effort and skill along with the beauty and vision. I like when someone does something I cannot yet do and gives me something to strive for in my own art. I like when photographers push their tools to do more interesting and creative things.

Richard Avedon was a famous photographer during the same era as Stephen Shore. And when I see his photos it tickles the "I love this" part of my brain.

[ See image descriptions and more of his work here ]

Not all of his work was very technical. He did a mix of studio work and candid portraiture. One of those photos is blurry and I still love it. But you can see the skill in every photo. The effort and experience and technical knowledge blended with the artistic intuition. He took photos of celebrities and just folks in the street. He also did photojournalism in mental hospitals.

I just find that a lot more compelling than a plant in the corner.

However, intellectually, I understand the plant in the corner is important. We cannot gatekeep art and put requirements on how it is created. My brain just has trouble appreciating that type of photography. Though I can imagine why someone would find it appealing.

That said, I'd definitely attend one of Stephen's lectures. And I guess I'd be sure to bring a notepad instead of a phone.

[owliellder]

The Finer Details

Post DI! Leon Kennedy x f! Painter Reader

MDNI 18+

(Session 1, Session 2, Session 3, Session 4, Session 5, The Reveal)

Description: Leon realizes that retirement is in his best interest now that he's getting older. All of his accomplishments as an agent mean he's truly earned a painting to commemorate..

Warnings: Not Proofread, Age gap! (reader is anywhere between mid-late 20's and Leon is 40), Porn w/ Plot, Use of she/her pronouns, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alcoholism, mentions of trauma/PTSD/depression, P in V smut (wrap it NEOW), Leon cries during sex 💔

Tags: Older Leon Kennedy, Younger afab!Reader, Leon is SAD but he is your muse, Crying, mentions of Leon masturbating, starts off with Dom! Leon and Sub! Reader, falls into switch territory because that man needs some serious TLC, Praise kink, Hickeys, Handjob, Nipple play, Oral sex (m! and f! receiving), and a heavy dose of Aftercare

Author Note: I wanna say there's some pretty descriptive talk about depression in this chapter, just as a heads up. Anyways, it's my weekend and I'm going to be absolutely zooted every single day so the next chapter will most likely be out Monday morning PST lol.

Cross-posted on AO3

Session 3: Blocking In Color

It was nearly three weeks until you saw Leon again.

You tried to call him a couple days after he'd left that day, a few more times over the following week, but to no avail. The man was unreachable.

Even though you did your best to convince yourself that you just wanted to get his painting started, "It was an important one", you knew that you were really just worried about him.

You've seen this kind of dismay with the other retired agents that've had a portrait painted in the past, but they at least recognized what they'd been through.

Leon hasn't. You could just tell.

Looking over the sketches you made of his face, you couldn't help but wonder what exactly he'd been thinking about the last time he was here. He seemed so bothered, acting like he was hiding it so well, too.

Then again, you did drop a rather large bombshell on the guy while he was in a pretty vulnerable state, but you thought he knew what the portrait he was going to receive was suppose to mean. Again, most of the retired agents you'd seen were similar to Leon in that regard and even they at least had a basic grasp on the finality of it all. So why didn't he?

You nursed your bottom lip, still staring at the sketches laying in front of you while you sat at one of your desks in the corner. You normally don't come to your workspace unless you're actively painting, yet you'd shown up everyday in hopes Leon would randomly pop in. He seemed like the kind of guy to just kind of show up, anyways...

If you had just gotten a picture that day you've could've at least started working out the positioning for his portrait. Unfortunately, he wasn't in any position mentally to put up with anymore of your shenanigans at the time, it seemed.

You really did try your best to get ahold of Leon, eventually giving up a few days ago. You'd already emailed the President, who had been the one to personally commission you unlike with previous ex-agents, letting him know that it's going to be longer than expected. Thankfully he was understanding, knowing rather well how much the whole retirement thing was weighing on Leon.

You'll come back tomorrow and try again. Even the next day, and the day after that if you have to, and so on and so forth.

Guilty. That's all Leon felt right now.

He's been shelled up in his house since the moment he got home after leaving your building, withering away by the minute.

He hadn't showered, barely eaten, only ever really pulling himself from what little comfort his room offered to grab whatever bottle he touched first in the cabinet. Leon didn't care, just as long as it was something.

Chris had been over a couple times after he stopped responding to his messages, doing his best to get him out of the house. Claire had been over a few times more than her brother had, bringing groceries once she'd heard about the sad state Leon was keeping himself in.

It broke both their hearts, but they could only do so much for him. Leon was stubborn, head strong, he wasn't the kind to sway to many forces. He had somehow gaslit himself into thinking he was doing well. "Just peachy", even.

Clearly that wasn't the case, both Chris and Claire could see that. They'd have to be blind not to.

Having been in contact with Leon's government-assigned therapist, Chris tried to set up an at-home meeting for him one day. That turned out to be a disaster seeing as Leon was bordering on blackout drunk and could barely keep his eyes open. Not to mention the vomiting.

Claire even tried to bathe Leon. She only got far enough to wash his hair in his kitchen sink, using his vomit-covered mouth as an excuse to keep him over the sink long enough to shampoo his greasy, stringy hair.

All of it was weighing on him too much. He felt so guilty for making his friends feel like they had to babysit him, ignoring everyone's calls and messages, your calls and messages. That kind of thought process quickly spiraled into him reliving the worst days of his life, having to through suffer so many flashbacks and nightmares, not sleeping because of it. He rarely ever felt safe enough to get under the covers on his bed.

None of this is what he wanted. If it were up to him, he'd start all over; be twenty-one again, work as a cop, maybe get promoted a few times, find a girlfriend, start a family, have a normal life. Why couldn't he have that?

Staying awake night after night, Leon would stare at the ceiling in his bedroom and fantasize about the wonderful life he could've had, the happy memories he could've made. It would make him weep, longing for something that never could've been.

Instead, Leon was stuck with endless images of horror, death, and gore every time he blinked, and oh was he bitter about it all. So bitter, so angry, so...

Feeling sorry for himself was all he could do now. Sure, he killed all those monsters and zombies, saved all those people, not once did he think about himself through the years. Now he had all the time in the world to question and wonder, and having to think about himself and what he wanted most made him feel like a needy, greedy bastard.

But wasn't he allowed to be greedy, if only just a little? He had wants, needs, and though he wanted so desperately to change his past, he knew he couldn't. So, what did he want now? That, he didn't know.

Guilty for feeling this way, guilty for wanting different, guilty for wanting anything good for himself.

It took the better part of those two weeks for Leon to finally muster up some form of energy to stumble into his bathroom and shower one afternoon, dizzy and nauseous. The light emanating from the rest of his house was blinding, not having even bothered to close the shades he had on any of his windows. His room was kept a cave and that's where he stayed.

Leon now found himself sitting down in the shower just like before he'd decided to retire, only this time it was mostly to keep from slipping and dying. The last thing he needed anyone to see was him naked and dead in the shower. Embarrassing.

His thoughts at the moment were shallow, still pretty drunk from his bender, head lulling back and forth a bit as his vision spun. He was finally hungry again, the heat from the shower making that all the more obvious as he grew lightheaded, but he didn't know what he wanted.

After managing to actually crawl his way out of the shower, he dug through the pile of dirty laundry at the end of his bed, finding a pair of boxers that didn't smell too terrible to put on.

Leon used the wall heavily for support to walk out into his kitchen, muttering curses under his breath at just how bright it was. Opening his freezer, he stared at the meal prep containers left by Claire, grabbing one to attempt and read what she'd wrote on the sticky note attached to the lid.

That's right... She made him little meals, even putting them in the freezer so they didn't go bad as fast. All he had to do was put it in the microwave.

Simple enough, he could do that.

The one he chose was meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Just the sound of it had his stomach rumbling and his mind craving the comforting taste of a home cooked meal.

The first few bites in made Leon feel nauseous again, but once those bites hit his stomach the feeling immediately gave way to just how hungry he actually was.

He tried to pace himself, he really did try, yet he managed to devour the food in front of him in a matter of minutes, only pausing every few seconds to breathe. It felt so good, something warm in his stomach. Filling in all the right ways. Once he finished, he pushed the empty container away and just laid his head down sideways on the cool countertop, closing his eyes as he let the food settle.

As much as he wanted to degrade himself for acting this way, reducing himself to such a weird and pathetic state, Leon didn't have the mind to. All he knew right now was that the warmth that the meal Claire made him. Not to sound cliche, but he genuinely believed he could taste the love cooked into it.

For the first time in what was now two and a half weeks, Leon was awake and alert when Chris and Claire came over again. He'd eaten everything Claire made, holding all the now cleaned containers out to her. It was a silent plea for more, and lucky for Leon, she had just made another grocery trip for him.

Unbeknownst to him, Claire had been cooking here at his house. This entire time he thought she'd been bringing the meals over, assumed to be leftovers from cooking for her family. She did confess to hoping the smell of the food cooking would pull him from his room. It didn't, much to her dismay, but now she was just glad he was up and eating again.

As soon as Leon tried to apologize for dragging her away from her family, she was quick to shut him down with that mom stare she'd developed after having her kids. It worked, especially on him.

Chris was busy chatting up Leon while Claire cooked him another set of meals for the next week. It was hard to converse, but Leon did manage to nod and him as the other man talked about some random encounter he had the other day while out driving.

It was strange to feel so lively again. Those thoughts still clung to the back of his mind, though all he could focus on were his friends taking care of him like one of their own. Leon feels like he's been a terrible friend lately, seems as though the siblings standing in his kitchen didn't feel the same. He wasn't showing it, but Leon was definitely holding back a smile.

A couple hours had past, Chris opting to stay with Leon and eat lunch since Claire had to head back and help her husband with something.

The hug Claire gave Leon was phenomenal. After the hug he shared with you he's been craving that physical contact more than ever, so finally getting another good squeeze from a friend was boosting his mood.

Chris and him sat, ate, and talked about whatever came to mind, eventually asking about you.

"How's the painting coming along? Do you like the painter?" He smiled, looking at Leon with wide, curious eyes. That man always had a smile gracing his features.

Leon shrugged, taking a sip from the water he poured himself not too long ago. He was pretty dehydrated after solely drinking alcohol for the past couple weeks. "She's alright. Haven't started the painting yet."

Chris raised an eyebrow, placing his arms on the counter and crossed them as he leaned forward slightly. "Just 'alright'?" he emphasized the word "alright" with air quotes, which caused Leon to scoff.

"What else do you want me to say? I've seen her twice so far and its been fine." Leon lifted his hands up in confusion, palms facing the ceiling as he watched the man sitting next to him rolled his eyes dramatically. "C'mon, she was amazing for Claire and I- Okay, how about this..."

Chris repositioned himself so his entire upper body was facing him now, leaning in a little closer to ask another question. "Do you like the room she works in? Cause I thought it was pretty comfy. When she was focusing on Claire's part of the portrait, I took a nap over on that rug she had. All those pillows mixed with the classical music knocked me the fuck out."

He laughed, shaking his head at memory before looking over at Leon again. "So...? And don't lie to me, I saw that pillow on your couch."

Leon sucked on his teeth and hummed, glancing over his shoulder at his couch. "It's cozy, yeah." He brought his head back forward, patting his hands gently against the counter.

The two chatted for awhile longer before Chris eventually had to leave, giving Leon a firm pat on the shoulder while shaking him a bit. After he left, Leon was left to sit alone and think again, only difference now is he felt better. He was crazy tired, his social battery quickly drained from having his friends around, but he felt good nonetheless.

He wasn't ready at the time, yet after a sober night with solid sleep, Leon woke up the next morning and decided to just text you, hoping you weren't mad at him. Calling would've been too much at that moment, not even have listened to the voicemails you left, or anyone's, for that matter.

His chest felt tight after sending the text, but it was quickly eased about ten minutes later when you responded with nothing but enthusiasm. The smiley face you added at the end of your message made him smile, quickly wiping it away with his hand.

Your next session was arranged two days ahead of time in the late afternoon. Leon wanted to give himself enough time to recollect since he needed to look his best the following weeks. You told him it was time to start with the main painting, which you still needed a picture for.

During that time he finally shaved his stubble, went out and got his hair trimmed, tackled all the laundry he'd neglected, and got his best suit dry cleaned. All thoughts aside, he felt good and wanted to stay this way.

Needless to say, Leon was jittery when he pulled up to your workplace again. He was finally letting himself feel excited again about this painting. If it's anything close to what Chris and Claire's portrait is, then that excitement will only continue to grow the further along you get.

You were already there waiting for him at the door, a gentle smile on your face. That wonderful soft perfume that he missed reaching his nose once more as you lead him up the stairs and through the other door. Chris was right, if he had the opportunity, he'd take a nap on your rug. It looked mighty comfy.

Leon was thankful you didn't ask any questions on his whereabouts, he wasn't ready to talk. You were just as excited as he was about getting the painting started, if not more. Watching you eagerly move back and forth between the larger easel and your desks was a refreshing sight to the man.

You stood at your easel for a couple minutes, just silently looking from the blank canvas to where he was sat. You told him to get into a comfortable position, prompting him rest his right leg on his left knee, leaning back and to the side so he was sitting at a slight angle, arms resting on the chair's armrests.

You stared at him for a few seconds, tilting your head side to side with your eyes squinted. "Let me just-" you spoke in a hushed voice, walking over to Leon before cautiously reaching out to rest one hand on the underside on his chin while the other hovered over the side of his face.

You weren't an idiot, you knew what his absence was from. So you made sure to be careful with him, knowing he was probably still pretty fragile. Only gentle and cautious touches for Mr. Kennedy.

So close yet so far. His skin tingled in your hands wake, and god he hoped you couldn't notice his blush.

You could, but you wouldn't say anything. Besides, you weren't faring well yourself, hands a little shaky as you touched his face.

Leon just let you move his head to whatever position you wanted, his eyes now half-lidded as you had walked back a couple times to get just the right angle. You pulled away for a final time with a small "aha!" and he wished you would hold his head for just a little longer.

The floor where your easel sat was marked with an 'X' made with painter's tape, making it easy for you to stay in the right spot for the photo once you pushed the easel out of the way.

"Don't move." You held your hands up after analyzing his position, quickly hurrying over the corner opposite of your desks to grab a bulky camera that sat atop a tall tripod. You worked as fast as you could, knowing as long as you had a picture with him in this position then this whole process would go so much smoother.

You didn't even have to ask Leon to smile or look up at the camera since he was sitting there with a rather dopey smile, his eyes remaining trained right on yours. Nice and natural. He looked relaxed which is exactly what you wanted.

Just as a precaution, you took multiple pictures, giving him a thumbs up once you figured you'd gotten enough. His head back to rest on the chair at the okay, listening to the sound of you walk over to your laptop after untwisting the camera from the tripod. You printed out 3 copies of the photograph and taped one to a stand you had brought over to sit next to the easel, making sure it sat eye level to you.

The ball was finally rolling, now having what you needed to start with the main sketch. When Leon lifted his head up, he noticed that you were ready, sucking in a sharp breath through his nose while he shifted a little to get back in just the right position.

You twirled your pencil between your fingers before beginning to roughly sketch out the chair, eyebrows furrowing as you focused. Leon could see your expression, how intensely you zoned into your work. It was incredibly admirable and he found himself fully content in just watching you do your thing.

It didn't take long before you had sketched out his general shapes, now walking over to take the sketches you made of his face out of your sketchbook to clip up right next to the reference photo. The more finer details would be added later, but you wanted to get just the basic shapes of his face.

That didn't take long either, because before Leon knew it, you were telling him it was okay to talk. He was pretty animated with his hands when he talked, so you kept him quiet until now.

"Am I easy to draw?" Leon spoke with an almost sultry tone after a few seconds of you telling him he could speak. It threw you off only a bit, carding your fingers through your hair as you took one step back to look at what you had so far.

"I wanna say yes and no." You responded, catching his questioning look from the corner of your eye. "You're easy to sketch out, yes, but your hair is giving me trouble." You could hear a low chuckle rumble from his chest as you stepped back forward. "Hey, you asked." You laughed back.

"I know, I know." He shook his head with a poorly hidden grin, tilting his head down to try and hide it a little better. You immediately pointed your pencil at him, not taking your eyes off the canvas. "I said you could talk, not move." Your sarcastic tone made him chuckle again, slowly lifting his head back up with a sigh.

"Yes, ma'am." You could just hear the smirk in his words, causing you to let out a sigh of your own.

By the time the sun had started to set, you had blocked out all the simple colors for the painting. Right now, it just looked like a very bland and abstract painting. It'll come together, slowly but surely. Trust the process, as people say.

Leon was in awe already, having stood up to look at your progress as you washed your hands over in the small bathroom. Oil paints smeared something fierce and as much as you loved your job, you did not want feel oily at home.

"It already looks stunning." You heard the man say from where he stood in front of the easel. It wasn't quite registering in his brain that it was him on that canvas just yet, but hopefully soon it would.

He wanted to recognize himself in something as wonderful as your art.

[faeries-child]

Pale wings, grey words

Cassian x reader (illyrian/winged reader)

Warnings: Blood, violence, dark-thoughts, fighting. Minors get out of here.

Summary: On their mission Cassian and Azriel arrive just in the right time to find you.

(keep in mind that I have not yet double checked the text for errors and mistakes, I write these at the middle of the night)

Cassian's POV

Cassian was tired. Really tired, for all he right now wanted to do was: get drunk and sleep for a week. He and Azriel had been on the mission for weeks now. Flying from Illyrian camp to another, again and again and again. Of course both of them had taken this mission voluntarily, for Rhys had had concerns with some more remote Illyrian camps. These particular camps had shown suspicious activity and signs of relapsing back to their old ways. Rhysand had not originally been planning to send them, but recently Cassian had felt the need to take action for the things his people had done. For all the development he, Rhys and Azriel had accomplished in Illyria, Cassian could not have that go to waste. 

So while Rhys was busy handling affairs at the night court, Azriel decided to accompany him, if not little for the reason that he would have a chance to punish people who hurt others like he was once hurt. 

They had been flying for ages now, and Cassian was starting to feel it in his back muscles. Only trees and snow everywhere he looked. And it was freaking cold too. Not that he wasn’t used to it, he had grown like this actually but he still didn’t enjoy it. 

“It’s not a long flight anymore” The spymaster said. 

Cassian could see that Azriel too could use a break. Both males were covered in dirt that had slowly been building on their clothes for weeks. Shadowsinger had dark circles under his eyes for all the work that it required to use his shadows constantly, to stay alarmed at all the hours of the day. It was taking a toll on them both. 

However, before them now opened one of their last camps to visit. This particular camp was also one of the most remote and far away from Velaris. These mindless grunts didn’t like when the inner circle meddled with their affairs. Hell, they didn’t even like when other Illyrian camps had something to say about their business. 

Even so they still had not rebelled against their High Lord, yet. That’s why it was so important for them to keep tabs on the camp and if they were secretly planning a rebellion. It was however unlikely, because the Illyrians in this camp had no interest in expanding their territory, for they already held a big part of the northern sea border. 

It was especially cold this time of the year. The General and his brother landed right in the middle of the village, so no one could have missed their big entrance. Most of the Illyrians just watched them for a moment, then they returned to their duties, training across training fields, repairing houses and everything else. Even if they didn’t show it by their actions, Cassian could feel how the atmosphere tightened. 

“General, what a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t received any messages of you arrival”

Cassian and Azriel turned around, behind them a male, looking to be in his fifties but surely he was way older, standing now before them. His name was Alias, if Cassian could recall correctly. In their files he was marked as one of the ones who didn’t really mind Amaranthas actions, and weren’t exactly thrilled when their high lord broke free from under the mountain. 

“We didn’t send any. We are here to do a mandatory check up commanded by your high lord.” said Azriel in his usual cold tone reserved for people he didn’t stand. “But first show us inside, the flight was boringly long and we should sit down to talk business” 

Alias swallowed once, trying to keep calm. He clearly had problems accepting the way the spymaster was speaking to him. 

“Right this way”

Y/N / oc pov:

“SHIT, shit shit!” you cursed seeing the patch of red on your sleeping mat. You knew that it would  have come eventually but you had really hoped that maybe fate would have been on your side and you would never have started bleeding. 

You knew that as soon as you would set a foot out of your tent, you would be theirs. New laws or no, you were a bastard, lowest of low and a freak. Total true freak. For when you were born they said that your mother was so scared of you that she had buried you in the snow, trying to save her own life, for when they would find out what you were they would kill her for bearing you. 

But you had cried so hard and loudly that they had found you and seeing what your mother had brought to the world, they killed her on the spot. 

And for you, killing a babe would have brought too much attention to the camp, so as soon as you were able to walk and somehow talk, they threw you with the other bastards. Only a tent and one set of clothes with you. And as a female, you were surprised that you had survived even this long.

But for why you were a freak, why your mother had died because of you, the reason was your wings. Not midnight black, but white. Pure white with no specks of  black. Your hair was also white, only a couple black strands falling down here and there. That was the reason, enough reason for them to close you out, spit at you and curse at you for just looking at their way. 

They hated anything that was not like them, did not look like them. And the fact that you were female made it all so much worse. 

You didn’t know why you were like this. Was it your father that you had inherited your features from, it could be because you did not know who he was. Or was it just some mistake in your genes that happened in the womb. You did not know. 

But the blood on your thin sleeping mat made everything a hundred times worse. You had been starving yourself, working to no end and trying every trick in the book to delay this. But in the end nature had taken its course now in your nineteenth year of living. 

You also had no idea what would happen next, whether they would just plainly kill you to stop you from procreating and birthing another like you, or whether they would first take turns on you to test their sadistic theories of you and then kill you. One thing however was sure, they were going to take your wings.  

Maybe you could escape, if you really just tried. If you were gonna die either way, might as well try, right? In panic you began to dress yourself with the warmest of clothes and rags you had been able to collect over the years. You had no valuables that would be worth taking with you, so you just clothed yourself and silently exited your tent.

It was still early morning and the sun had barely risen to greet the snowy trees. Escaping would probably be a mistake, since it was dead winter, and taking your camp's location into consideration it would take hours, possibly a day to reach something, anything really. But it would be worth it to try. 

As silently as you could, you left the tent area and headed into the forest. When you had reached the area where the camp area ended, you started running as fast as you could. You knew that flying would gather you more attention than you wanted. 

couple hours later: 

You had been running for some hours now, your legs were hurting and you were starting to truly tire out. You needed to stop and take a breath but you knew that by now they were after you. 

In the corner of your eye  you could notice something in the bushes now behind you. Could they truly have gaught up with you so quickly. You didn’t think they would be that fast. Could this truly be your end? 

This was the moment they caught you. You heard a big noise and an illyrian male soldier landed right before you, only a few feet from you. You didn’t know him, but you had seen him in your camp and knew that he was one of the males that still kept females as no more than means of breeding. 

It was so hard to breathe. You only wanted to live, but male before you and the one now behind you were making the odds very few. As your last move you tried to charge toward the empty space to your right but the male was fast to catch you and take hold of you from the base of your wing, which hurt, terribly. 

“And look what we have here” was the only thing that you heard before you fainted from the pain now emitting from the back of your head. 

Cassian’s pov: 

The meeting had been tiring and to no surprise to them, they had discovered that the female’s of the camp had not been trained since their last visit. Which was ages ago. At least they claimed that no wing clipping was happening but Azriel had convinced them to stay, as he was heavily suspecting Alias was lying. 

He and Azriel stepped out of the cottage, Alias trailing behind them. Everyone in the camp had woken up, females doing chores and males fighting in the rings, or that was what Cassian had expected to see when he looked at the camp before him. But what he saw, had his siphons glowing in an instance and he could feel how Azriel’s shadows riled up in a less than a second. 

The sight before them was not pretty. Illyrians of the camp had gathered around one of the fighting rings in the middle of the camp. And in the middle, were a young female, her hands tied to a wooden pole and her back and wings exposed. 

And the worst of all, now there were red lines, wounds across her back. There were several of them, some of them on her wings. Her wings. Cassian did not know how he had not seen it. The color of them. White, nothing like he had ever seen before. White, like the snow around them.

He just stared at her. Unable to do anything else, for even though he couldn’t see the female's face, he was captivated. He could hear Azriel’s words, trying to bring him back to this moment. 

“Cassian!” Azriel slapped him in the shoulder. 

He came to his senses and without realizing, moved. He knew that he had to put an end to this right now, before me damage could be caused to the female. He just really hoped that it wouldn’t already be too late. 

Using his wings, Cassian bolted to the people gathered around the female. He moved through them and before one more lashing of the whip could land on the female, the general commander of the night court moved between the girl and the man holding the whip, stopping its lash by grasping it mid-air with his bare hands.

Cassian pulled and the male holding the whip stumbled forward. At the same time Azriel reached them, glaring at the onlookers who did nothing to stop this from happening. 

Cassian looked at the male before him, rage clouding his vision. Men like him were the reason the spymaster and him were sent to this mission. Oh, how much Cassian wanted to kill the brute before him, he didn’t even know why he was so angered. He’d met hundreds of men like him, but for an inexplicable reason Cassian wanted especially to drive his sword through this man's heart. He didn’t have the chance however, for Azriel had already thrown the man completely to the ground, now holding his leg over his head. 

“Who gave you the order to do this?!” The general yelled to the man. 

However the man said nothing, now just whimpering beneath the spymaster’s boot. But Cassian could also hear another voice, behind him he heard a crying voice, breathing heavily. He now remembered the female behind him and cursed himself that he hadn’t realized to untie her the moment he had the chance. Cassian turned and lowered himself toward the female, her head was hung low and her hands were tied to a post. He could not see her face, for it was covered by the long white hair that was now dirty and stained with blood. 

“I will free you now, okay?” he told her, speaking as softly as he could. Reaching for the ropes that kept her hands tied. Hearing his words, the female raised her head quickly and turned to look at him, staring in his eyes. From the look in her eyes Cassian could tell that the female had been somewhere very far away, running from the pain and approaching doom. So far away that she probably hadn’t even noticed that he had intervened. 

Her eyes were like any of the other Illyrians, something between brown and gold. But the look in them, it was striking. Like she was watching right into his soul, but the expression on her face was hatred, fear and pain. Cassian could not help staring into her eyes, like he was possessed. 

He freed the woman's hands, and then caught her as she began falling to the ground. Trying not to touch her wings, he could only imagine the pain she was in. Looking at the pale wings he knew that they needed a healer, fast if she wanted to have full usage of them ever again. Cassian raised his head from the girl, looking before him, for now Alias was standing many feet from Azriel looking furious. 

Trying to conceal his rage Alias spoke to them: “General, take no mind in her. She’s a traitor, her punishment is fit to her crimes. Let my men handle her.” Now Azriel too was seeing red. Both of them could notice that the girl was young, starved to the point that one could clearly see her collarbones and the hollowing of her cheeks. This girl could not have done anything that could have earned her the punishment she was given. 

“Tell me Alias, and what exactly is her sin?” Now it was Azriel speaking, unsheathing his sword and raising it toward Alias. 

“She ran away. And by law I have a duty to punish those that try to flee and sell information to our enemies”

Cassian glanced at the girl. It would be more difficult to get her out if this was indeed true and she did run away. Their laws were strict and Cassian would be at disadvantage if that was the case. “Is this true?” he spoke to her. 

The girl had not taken her eyes away from him for a minute, but now on her face there was no hatred or disgust, but only fear. She looked utterly terrified. 

“They…they were going-” she rasped out to him. Bits of blood now falling from her mouth and lips that she must have been biting to bear the pain. “They- were going to take my wings” she got out. 

And that was the only thing that the general commander of the night court and the spymaster needed. Enough reason to damn Alias for a crime. Cassian wanted to rid his head of his shoulder at that instant, but he also knew that he would have to be questioned and then sentenced by their high lord, if they wanted to avoid possible uprising. 

Azriel’s shadows were already taking grasp of Alias’ hands and then hiding him completely in the depth of those shadows. He would be delivered to the court of nightmares, where he would answer for his crimes. 

Cassian felt the female going limp in his arms. And finally realizing truly how much blood there was staining the ground around them. “Azriel, we need a healer, fast!” 

(This is not my greatest work, but I'll maybe make a part two if I feel like it :,) )

[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: message from your past lover/crush

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: message from your future spouse/partner

masterlist of pap/pac posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

pile 1

you two couldn't be together because the universe was testing you both as to whether or not you were ready for a new level of relationship. the universe wanted to see if you could break old patterns - i sense that you both accomplished this test. now it is up to you both to make peace with your past relationships, so you can continue to welcome new energy into your romantic lives. if you are wondering why this person couldn't be here, it was because you both had different visions for the future. their's wasn't a shared common plan or even a solid foundation to keep you together through this part of life.

what they want to let you know is that they were too worried about status and reaching milestones (in life and romantically) to even try and slow down to enjoy a connection with you. they couldn't be in the moment and simply enjoy life - they were too in their head and they are sorry about it. they hope that you find the right relationship at the right time - just be patient and continue to take care of yourself.

staying together or trying to be together would have lead to delusions. things would not have been as they appeared. at first, things would have been too good to be true and quickly you would have learned why. rapid movement often leads to the fizzling out of emotions... too much good leads to a boring connection for a majority of people - you need some conflict to keep the connection interesting and evolving.

i feel like your unrealistic expectation for them was that they were ready to settle down and establish themselves. they weren't. you wanted them to be ready, and you were determined to believe that they were when they weren't. they weren't ready to be with you, you just wanted them to be ready.

its good you aren't together because someone exciting is going to be entering your life, perhaps via a friend. put yourself out there - participate in activities. you might meet them on a vacation, if that is coming up for you. be open to people who you wouldn't typically think of because you assume they will be temporary or that you would assume it would only amount to a fling with them.

what you learned from them was how to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe won't steer you wrong long term. you know now that you can't fear the unknown - everything is just lessons that are meant to expand your consciousness and present you with opportunities. everything that happens to you in the romantic sense is just a part of your personal and spiritual evolution.

the deck says that in 8 weeks or the fall is when you will be ready for the next chapter.

pile 2

you can't be together and you know exactly why. you are confident in yourself and you know your worth. you are worth much more than you were receiving. so it is time that you put yourself out there to meet new people - don't be afraid to show your vulnerability with new people. you need to be open about what you perviously experienced so that you can avoid repeated lessons and reasons for breakups. you latest crush/relationship was tore about you because they were intimidated by your intelligence and your effectiveness in communication was too much for them. they weren't mature enough to match your energy, so they likely ghosted you.

something they never got to say to you was that you shouldn't be as sure as you are. a person is never done learning. you might have came across as cocky and unwilling to understand their perception. there is something to learn in every situation and from every perspective - you just need to be open to do so.

if you tried to make the connection work, you would have lost your spunk. eventually, you would have found yourself incapable of being able to fully express yourself. you would have been incapable of finding joy, playing around, and even be present - you would have become too stoic and wrapped up in your unhappiness and incapable of having fun and laughing.

your unrealistic expectation was that you would never argue or have conflict with them - all relationships have conflict where both sides are heard. it is more about how you manage yourself than it is the fight itself. it helps you to evolve and learn each others triggers - to not fight is to remain ignorant of each other issues, triggers, etc. you want to have a relationship that grows and blossoms, then be open to arguments.

it's for the best that you aren't together because the connection moved too quickly. you both let your excitement of what could happen cloud the reality of the situation. i also sense that they were not just being pursued by you - they had several people's interest.

what you can learn from this experience is that a situation can change at any moment in time, so enjoy it while it lasts. let go of what out stays its welcome - whether it is behavior that is not right or dating patterns. you need to make space for new possibilities when your situation is starting to feel stale.

the deck says that in 5 days (or rather you should have been ready 5 days ago during the aquarius new moon when i was writing/editing this) or spring is when you will be ready for the next chapter.

pile 3

you couldn't be together because there was an imbalance in the connection. I sense that someone was a bit too codependent in this connection. they relied too heavily on their partner to fulfill their needs and had unrealistic expectation for the relationship. in order for any connection to world you have to be able to find your own happiness without depending on another person to provide you with this happiness you seek. someone was too greedy in this connection and someone was too hard on themselves because they tried to make the connection work for a very long time and it just wasn't working. someone cared about how they appeared together more than the other person did - perhaps they were a bit too self-centered. someone still needs to work on their generosity.

something they never got to say to you was that they love you. they truly loved you - they weren't ready to say it at the time but it is true. they really do wish you well. they hope you are happier now than you were with them. they hope you are out somewhere having fun and doing what you have always dreamed to. they also kind of hope that maybe someday you will reconnect with them and if it can't be romantic than at least you can be friends with one another.

this is a connection that had it coming; it just had to end. you both were not ready. you were in two very different places in life and two very different states of mind. you weren't ready for the connection to be what it was. you were both clinging to each other for a very different reason thus it had to end. it is okay they you don't reach out to them. hell it is okay, if you don't reach out to them for a long long time. they love you. they just know that you both need to start fresh and see what else is out there.

your unrealistic expectation of them was that your disputes/disagreements would move to some sort of resolution. you are both very different people and very different people have very different manners of dealing with things. you wanted to move forward and they didn't want to. you might have been an agree to disagree person, while they wanted you to see things from their point of view. one side was always unheard in the connection and it just strained the connection. there was no moving on - to expect that you could was silly in their eyes. perhaps one of your arguments crossed a line you weren't fully aware existed.

it's for the best that you aren't together because someone felt hesitant about taking action and moving forward with the relationship. you should never have to think about whether or not you want to be with someone - the second you have to wait for a moment and think means that you should be on your own to contemplate romantic partnership in general. there was a fear about timing and being out of the comfort zone that each of you knew romantically. passion alone is often not enough when it comes to a partnership.

what you can learn from this experience is that there is a disconnection between you and the other person in most of your relationships. it is okay to admit that too. perhaps you are someone who has a lot of faith that things will just work or one day they will be ready or one day they will commit. it is okay to have faith, but again, if you aren't connecting and hearing what the person is saying (for example, maybe they did tell you they weren't interested in committing to a relationship) then perhaps that is something to reflect on. don't give up - your partner is out there. in the meantime, listen to what others are saying and trust that they mean what they say. it is okay if the truth hurts - you have the power to heal.

the deck says that in 4 months or summer is when you will be ready for the next chapter or to reconnection with this person like I said earlier.

[solselah]

Pick A Movie ? 💛

(Channeled messages are unrelated to plot)

PILE 1 - TOTAL RECALL

You’ve been noticing recently that your lucid dreaming has gotten so real !! I believe you had an idea how this journey was going to go but you got hit with a mini curve ball the last time you attempted to lucid dream !! Your guides are kind of smirking like just ask us to “lead and guide you and so it shall be” they are definitely protecting during this interesting moment of learning how to “get off the ground” it seems like you start to astral project and you maybe get a bit overwhelmed & feel the need to stop & try again ! On the other hand as you’re sleeping the whole time you’re lucid dreaming to these dimensions & meeting people you actually know in that realm ! So In reality your guides want to lead you into conscious Astral travel !!! Being that you unexpectedly lucid dream almost every night !!! I see for some you really do meet up in the astral realm like it’s a game lol , like okay player 1 is here , player two is here we’re ready to GO! I would just be aware of those you travel with if this is what you choose to do ! Make sure you’re truly okay with sharing your energy on that level !

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 2 - MOONLIGHT

I’m hearing you could be a Sagittarius specifically !! If not you have HEAVY Jupiterian energy! The message I’m receiving is that revolving around your self worth & how it’s been at a 0% when it’s literally always been at 100% with you ! I see people around you are concerned and want you to know they care and are here for you , with anything you may need ! For some you’ve just been watching and listening !! For a few you could’ve really had an imbalanced upbringing, I’m seeing that you may have had your parents, which is a positive thing , but they both seem to have “filled the same glass consistently”

meanwhile the other “glasses” (🍷)that were in need of attention remained empty ! So maybe they raised you based off how they were raised or how they simply wanted to. There were usually no input from others , especially family ! They could’ve been so Focused on your goals making sure you don’t make them look any less than they deem themselves to be ! I’m so picking up a mothers energy , she is toxic yall!! And would rather you “raise yourself” than put energy into molding you & raising you with the love that nourishes and not the back handed guilt of love ! Things will be so different when you decide to have kids or even if you do ! You move so different than your family and I commend you for it ! 💙

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 3 - HIDDEN FIGURES

So I see your having doubts about if this person is literally your twin flame like you don’t have any clue about what that even means or looks like for you & your not the type of person to look online and associate your experiences with the next , you need to experience these things for yourself to really solidify it in your eyes ! So you are doubting which is so okay because I do feel it’s a natural reaction to such a powerful dynamic ! Now as far as labeling it as twin flame that part you’re not sure about , like you rarely like saying boyfriend and girlfriend ! You are okay with being Partners or just people who love each other ! You are my pile that moves independent mostly , what you want you really go out there and get it for you ! To make you feel good , to add to the list of your accomplishments! You feel like this

“Twin flame “ thing might take you off your tracks as far as being independent , you’re not really ready for that level of emotion !! You definitely are dealing with someone who is KARMIC to you and is capable of mirroring to you , your faults ! You’re just not ready for that !! I wouldn’t 100% say you have interacted with your twin flame if you even have one ! I just feel like one of you may think that and the other is feeling so off about it. You’re hiding from the things that are triggering you which is so normal but at some point you’ll HAVE to face it !! Take it gently! Never with force ✨

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏��﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 4 - BRIDESMAIDS

(Mini 18+ warning )

You’re so not good with rejection of any kind !! lol you can be the type of person who is like go big or go home ! you will literally pay an arm and leg for something you really want !!! You have a very abundant mind set and can actually create and manifest with that gift so amazingly !! You take action you’re not lazy whatsoever , you are a money maker and may even work from home to where you still are in the comfort of your own Space ! The message for you is to maintain this abundant mindset and you never know where you’ll end up in the next 6 years as far as goals are concerned!! Venus is ushering in some good sex for you ! It’s almost like you work with a goddess connected to Venus and you can manifest the person , place & time lol your definitely a Conjurer or a sorceress an empress , you may work with water as well , I’m seeing water offerings !! So you have a deep connection to the element of water. You could be a Pisces I’m feeling that sign heavily! you may also have a Scorpio Venus for some or even a Jupiter in Taurus for others ! You are really so godly ! The shape , the body, the energy its all goals !!! 🔥🔥

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Hope you enjoy 💛

IG: @ soleccentric

[etherealsworldvision]

What’s Your Current Energy and The Energy You’ll Come Into?

[ With a Bonus Mini Letter from Your Inner Self ]

Before I begin the reading I’d like to take a moment to talk about: Monterey Bay Aquarium. They’re a non-profit organization that aims to inspire conservation of the ocean. If you’re interested do check them out and if you’d like to further support them click donate.

Divider Credit: @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

New song discovery for the reading: Ecstasy by Anna Tsuchiya

1. 2. 3.

🚨 P.S.A 🚨 : I do not give personal readings! Disclaimer: this is for entertainment only!

Added Description: all my readings are timeless and meant to reach those who resonate to the messages.

[ General Messages: 3; Secret Circle; Rings; Chesapeake Bay; Pink and Purple; “Pick Me”; Uses this :3 text emoji; Slow Burn; Gradual changes; Relationship Content; Insecurity; Free things; DnD; WhatsApp; Comparison; Anticipation; Lana Del Rey; Coquette & Cottegcore; Becauseimmissy content ]

Pile 1

Cards: 6 of Swords; The Chariot; 2 of cups ®; 9 of Pentacles ®; The High Priestess; 2 of Pentacles

[ Messages: Izana Kurokawa; Temperament; Full Moon; Sagittarius or Capricorn Moon; 222; Strength; Unconditional Love; Diluted; Akon (?); Jealousy, Jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo; Heal; 19 or 22; “Silver-Spoon”; Kyle; Craving; Fanfics; 66; 9; June 6th ]

This is oddly specific but Kyle kept popping up…so idk if you are or dealing with a person with that name. It may be an extra confirmation.

Your Current Energy:

You may have moved on from a romantic connection (I’m not getting platonic), I’m getting the sense that you’re in a good place right now. It could have been a big accomplishment because we have the chariot (major arcana). You might’ve experienced a traditional connection that ended up being what you imagined.

For some reason, I keep thinking about relationship advice on tiktok and twitter (discourses). It may have placed a negative effect on your perception of what a relationship is supposed to look like. For a few, you may have grown up around traditional relationships and (might subconsciously) sought for that. Overall there is an emphasis on Traditional relationships regarding gender roles and stereotypes. I feel like it doesn’t help that there’s also a new-age agenda of approaching (new) relationships (mind games) as well as isolation.

After experiencing that you might’ve thought, “Why does everyone want this?” Or “Relationships aren’t all that great”. There’s this sense of having a nihilistic view in love because of media and personal experience. Which, I don’t blame you.

I don’t know if you recently stumbled on a post or something about love but I feel like it challenged your stance on it. Which leads to you wanting a better mindset of love & connections despite what you’ve gone through. Currently, you may be trying to find the balance in your connection (with yourself and other people) and getting to really know yourself.

The energy you’ll come into:

With the high priestess here, you may be learning how to be in tune with your emotions and your gut when it comes to people/connections. I feel like, because you’re getting to know yourself better and starting to understand what you want you’ll have an easier time seeking balance.

Compromise and balance is being emphasized in this reading, so maybe that’s the thing you’ll be focusing on (healing). What is your relationship with Compromise and Balance? How did it affect you? I also see that this will come once understanding nuances instead of having an “extremist” view. Another thing is that you crave for a stable relationship and seek it by finding someone who is stable.

Which is fine but there’s this big need of: them having to be “the (perfect) one” before entering in a committed relationship. You may have gotten fs readings/astro stuff because of this. The funny thing here is — in order to be in a committed relationship is to be okay with the unknown and trusting yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but that’s what I’m getting.

Another thing I’m getting is how you’re challenging yourself to be more focused on yourself in terms of finances, health, and basically practical things. There’s this sense of being grounded; how you want to treat yourself via materials and consumption.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“Who said we have to be rigid to be treated like ‘royalty’? Look at Simba! He's fun and outgoing — he’s still a well respected king and with the love of his life! We need to loosen up a bit, be more courageous when it comes to stepping out of our comfort zone. The longer we stay in our old ways we’ll end up living with regret, that’s worse than living with consequences! How about we do the first thing we were scared of? If we get a booboo on our knee that’s fine at least we did it. If they don’t show interest then that’s okay too, we can continue to sail. All I’m saying is we should have the courage to go with the flow and live our life to the fullest instead of wallowing or through the screen/fantasies. Let’s embrace the unknown and hope for the best, yeah?”

Alrighty pile 1 that’s all I have for you today. Thank you so much for sticking through until the end, I greatly appreciate it. I’m giving you virtual hugs 🫂 and shooting hearts at you! 🧡🧡🔫 *Pew Pew*

Pile 2

Cards: Knight of Swords; King of Pentacles; Empress ®; 10 of Cups; Knight of Cups; The Devil

[ Confirmation Messages: Rollercoaster; Lilo & Stitch; “Inner Demons”; Renaldo from Los Espookys; Camera; Water and Earth Placements; San Francisco; Fear; Amusement Parks; Kali Uchis; ‘Take a Seat’; Road-trips; Night Drives; 333 ]

Your Current Energy

Okay Pile 2 your current energy is stable in terms of finances (as well as materialistic things) and you’re well grounded. You may be looking into how you can better your current financial stability or just being more responsible by getting your needs met especially in money matters.

Another thing is — there’s this sense of caution in regards to spending money. Now, I can’t give financial advice (it’s not my forte) but I can give reassurance. If there is a bit of wiggle room to spend on a snack or on that t-shirt you like then it’s okay to get it. I feel like there’s this sense of shame in regard to spending despite being able to afford things.

I used to feel this way as well and I remember talking to my cousin about it. They would tell me, “Whenever I feel guilty about spending on things I like, I think about the amount of hard working hours I put in to be able to afford it.” To lessen the guilt or shame of buying something that makes us* happy. This doesn’t have to apply to huge spends — can be minor ones like an album or that pint of ice cream you’ve been eyeing at the store.

There’s just this sense of guilt of spending which leads to a bigger guilt of not being able to nurture yourself in the way you want to. I feel like there’s this blame you have towards yourself for wanting things and punishing yourself for not doing it (the “damned if you do damned if you don’t” situation). Based on your cards I don’t see money issues (currently going on) but I do see the trauma linked to it. I don’t know if this stems from childhood or recent experiences.

(If you can, talk with someone you trust. They may have some insight that you need or just connecting with someone in general.)

The Energy You’ll Come Into

What’s funny is: there’s this sense of “fuck it we ball” vibe. I don’t know how it got to this sudden shift but it’s reminding me of one of the reasons why this acc exists. So maybe a tiktok or reel will piss you off into buying something for yourself with zero shame.

( I struggle with imposter syndrome, when I saw a YouTube short of someone dropping a 50lb lollipop from a rooftop and called it an “experiment” (it’s just obnoxious food waste! There was no science or anything!). I got so mad that they were earning money for wasting food I ended up saying “fuck this I’m adding to society” and boom here I am lol. )

I’m not saying your financial trauma is going to magically disappear but there is this sense of being fed up with how it makes you feel. If you are (or will be) seeing a therapist you may be working on your relationship with this financial trauma. I think another thing that you will be coming into is learning how spending and financial issues have affected you. I feel like during this period you may be reflecting on your relationship with money while doing exposure therapy.

But yeah the energy you’ll come into is indulgence and emotional fulfillment (however be careful as to not over do it) without zero shame. Despite not having any balance cards besides the King of Pentacles — I do feel like that’s what you’ll be coming into. Working on balancing your wants and needs while regulating your emotions when it comes to money.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“I know we struggled with money but we’ve put in the hard work to make ourselves happy. Why not bask in our success for just a minute? Why not see how far we come by planning something for ourselves? Can’t we at least congratulate ourselves for putting our foot in the door and say “I did it”! Because we did do that! Yeah, yeah we dealt with delays, some difficulties along the way but we pulled through! We did that, baby! We made it happen — we have a job, a career! Let's celebrate ourselves and give ourselves the gratitude we deserve. We fucking earned it!”

Alrighty pile 2 that’s all I have for you today. Thank you so much for sticking through until the end, I greatly appreciate it! I’m wishing you the best! Remember it’s okay to have nice things for yourself! 🧡

Pile 3

Cards: Page of Swords; The World; 7 of Cups; Page of Pentacles; Knight of Cups; The Hierophant ®

[ Confirmation Messages: Astrology; Occult; Investments in Hobbies; Culinary Arts; New Passions; Lack; TikTok; Radios; Seltzers; Renaissance Fair; OktoberFest (?); Young or New Energy; Amethyst Crystal (Pendant); Twilight; Taking a Leap of Faith; Vampires; Vibrant Personality: 3 Body Problem ]

Your Current Energy

Your energy is like the sun after a cloudy day — like it is not like the other two piles. To be honest your excitement feels so contagious (in a good way). So you may have been very patient in the past or passive. You kind of just let life pass you by until something comes up.

When it did come to you and you took that chance it’s as if the world showed itself. There's so many options to choose from and that’s what’s getting you super excited. I feel called to say there are not wrong choices as it can work out with persistence and hard work.

Since you are in the process of accomplishing things or already achieved it — you may be wanting to expand/explore what’s out there for you. Let's say you got your drivers license, now you get to drive to the place you want. Or let’s say you took a chance on an idea then suddenly, you get loads of engagement. Because you took this chance a lot of opportunities are coming your way to the point it’s almost overwhelming.

The Energy You’ll Come Into

Because you’re putting in the work towards something you love — you’ll feel more fulfilled. I feel like whatever you’re working on will be another way to gain connections. It doesn’t have to be transactional connections — it just means you may make friends along the way or collaborate.

This especially applies to people who went the “unconventional route”. It feels like you made a decision that really aligns with you. I think what also really inspired you is seeing how people made their dreams come true, even if it’s by doing the simplest things. There is encouragement to remain open to what’s to come, especially when it comes to your creative skills.

I’m not getting too much on your future energy besides you making an earning from it and feeling fulfilled. I am getting this celebratory vibe that you have done it from the ground up. Through your patience and perseverance you were able to make it happen. I’m also getting a confirmation “yes, do it” to the question you’ve been really really thinking about.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“Listen…I know your intuition and anxiousness is going haywire right now. However, to feel your intuition you’ll feel a strong and I mean a strong pull to do something. I’m encouraging you to do it — do it even if you’re alone. You’ll never know the outcome unless you do it. Yes it’s unconventional but what’s the harm in taking that chance? We did it once, why not do it again and see where it takes us? It’ll make us happier knowing we did it instead of never doing anything. I believe in us, so don’t lose hope.”

Alrighty Pile 3 that’s all I have for you. Thank you so much for reading until the end, I greatly appreciate it! I’m so excited for you and wishing for things to go smoothly! Best of luck! 🍀🧡

[cobragardens]

Holy Kittens, Y'all: My Favorite Good Omens Moment Has Gotten EVEN MORE ROMANTIC

Okay so I wrote this post about my favorite moment in Good Omens, and the stuff people are pointing out in the reblogs and comments is blowing my freaking mind, and I HAVE to show you how beautifully this all fits together, like I am flailing at my desk about this.

@vidavalor points out this gif from @soft-ange-aziraphale [Source]:

Here it is in sequence (gifs 1-4 from Fuck Yeah Good Omens):

I can't stop laughing over Aziraphale's smile, which shows, as @quoththemaiden says, that he's "utterly delighted with himself" and knows perfectly well that he's minxing Crowley; and this tiny extension of the moment convinces me even more that Crowley is desperately fighting a smile himself here.

Actually there's a lot in @quoththemaiden's comment that's insightful and well-put:

Totes agree with all of this.

And then. AND THEN!

I knew Crowley was trying to communicate something with this Shakespeare line, but I didn't know what until @paperbunny and @musingsofmaisie put it out there: Crowley is complimenting Aziraphale here, telling him he's enjoying being in Aziraphale's company, telling him his humor worked.

Remember how I keep banging on about how much equivocation Crowley does? This is more equivocation. In 1601, Richard Burbage was 34 years old, so age hasn't had the chance to wither his infinite variety yet. The stupidity of demons and the ignorance of angels regarding the human aging process prevent surveillance from noticing the poor applicability of this line to Burbage, but since the first half of the line fits Aziraphale (who does not age at all) more than Burbage (who is merely not yet old) it stands a chance of indicating to Aziraphale that Crowley is speaking about him. And the underlying true meaning of this equivocal statement would be A DIRECT RESPONSE TO MY FAVORITE MOMENT: Even though I have known you so long, you still surprise and delight me.

(Crowley's Antony & Cleopatra line also accomplishes something else important: it gets William Shakespeare to go away so they can speak privately, because Shakespeare doesn't want them to see him writing it down.)

A Dip Into Speculation

I don't think the evidence for it is binding enough to say for sure, because the evidence is really just that it fits together so nicely and lines up so well with A&C's coded romantic messages in 1793; the (pretty overt, actually, I mean damn) romance in 1827; the size and nature of the fight in 1867; the yeah, really overt romance in 1941; and in 1967; and yes okay now that I'm thinking about it the whole series, but I have this View about how the rest of the 1601 scene goes.

And in fact there is Word of Gods that could be interpreted as evidence against this little pet headcanon I have, though it doesn't necessarily have to be:

Here's my assertion: Aziraphale volunteers to go to Edinburgh for Crowley. Crowley cheats the coin toss to accept Aziraphale's offer and to keep up appearances as a demon. Rather than making a deal with (or asking a favor of) an angel, he's 'cheating' him (without the angel's knowledge, but with his consent), which "moves the dials" of evil a bit and would also make Aziraphale appear less at fault if this instance of the Arrangement is ever discovered by Heaven.

This can coexist with Gaiman's statement, above, that it doesn't even occur to Aziraphale that Crowley cheats the toss. THEE ongoing leitmotif of Aziraphale's view of Crowley is that he thinks of Crowley as much more genuinely evil and much less in need of ways to create cover as evil than Crowley actually is.

(Which is interesting, given that he also clearly thinks that Crowley is not as evil as he pretends to be, that he is and wants to do good, and that he deserves to be an angel again. [There is a whoooole nother essay slowly curdling in the churn in my head about how Aziraphale is obliged to practice doublethink and how that stunts his personal development because that's what happens when people aren't free.])

Here's what I mean when I say Aziraphale volunteers.

Does Aziraphale ask in this tone because he is actually feeling suspicious and curt, or because he has to sound suspicious and curt? He could be perfectly willing to do Crowley a favor and would still need to sound the way he does. It's difficult for me to believe this guy--

--or this guy--

--are really all that bothered by the idea that Crowley might want something from him.

Crowley's response sounds like a(n unconvincing) protest of innocence. Maybe it is. But he doesn't disagree with the premise on which Aziraphale based his question, which means Aziraphale now has confirmation: Crowley called the meeting because he wants to ask Aziraphale to do him a favor.

Close your eyes and listen to Sheen's delivery of this line. The way he says it is so soft it's got no judgy angelic sting to it at all. Is this really a prissy answer to Crowley's semi-rhetorical question? Or is Aziraphale using the cover of a prissy answer to ask Crowley, Is what you want related to the no-good you're up to, i.e., demon work?

Either way, Crowley answers:

Is Crowley making a demonic jibe at Aziraphale in return to "You're up to no good," or is he telling Aziraphale, Yes, what I want from you is related to my work, and to your work, esp. what you've got on right now?

Aziraphale volunteers some information about his schedule and what it is he's got on right now.

--he says, and the velvety way Crowley says "Ohhh," tells us--and could tell Aziraphale--that Crowley already knows this. In this coded communication I'm suggesting, Crowley's tone on "Oh" confirms to Aziraphale that the thing he wants help with does indeed have to do with Aziraphale's trip to Edinburgh.

So Aziraphale gives Crowley his travel details: Yeah, I have a couple of blessings and a minor miracle to perform. It's going to suck; I have to ride a horse.

Crowley's like, yeah, riding horses does suck. You have my sympathies. (Phrasing it as an insult to God: "Major design flaw if you ask me.") And then he says, I have to go to Edinburgh too this week. Tempt a clan leader into stealing some cattle.

And here's where I think Aziraphale volunteers to do Crowley's Edinburgh job for him:

If, as I propose, Aziraphale understands already at this point that Crowley is asking him to take Crowley's Edinburgh temptation, then this response tells Crowley he's willing to do so.

And then they have a little bit of kayfabe theater and a little bit of miscommunication between themselves. Crowley suggests Aziraphale take Crowley's Edinburgh job. Aziraphale protests "You cannot actually be suggesting what I infer you're implying," even though, as Crowley immediately points, out, they've now done this dozens of times.

Now, obviously Aziraphale is pretending innocence here with "You cannot actually be suggesting," etc. But he's not pretending innocence to Crowley. He can't be: Crowley knows about the dozens of other times just like Aziraphale does. So the protest of innocence is for surveillance; it's the spirit, not the letter, of the protest itself that's genuine: I am reluctant about this.

And Crowley misses it.

He reads the surface layer of the equivocation, the Heavenly pearl-clutching; and the surface layer is where he argues. "We've done it before," he points out. "Dozens of times now. The Arrangement--"

But Aziraphale, visibly frightened and looking around, cuts him off. "Don't say that." Getting caught in an Arrangement would be much, much worse than getting caught in a one-off deal.

Why is this suddenly a problem? says Crowley. You know we've been getting away with this; you know they don't check up.

It's not pearl-clutching at all; Aziraphale is worried for Crowley's safety.

When Crowley says--

--is his tone half wheedling and half impatient because that's how he feels, or because it must sound like that? Is it soft only out of courtesy to the other people in the Globe?

There's no difference to the outcome of this scene or the story as a whole whether this romantic interpretation of the Edinburgh bickering is correct, because we've already got a solid base of evidence that the characters have romantic feelings for each other and show each other affection and care in this scene. In my opinion this interpretation fits the tone of the rest of the Globe scene better than only the face-value interpretation. What Gaiman and Mackinnon say about Crowley cheating the coin toss and Aziraphale not being aware of it can still easily apply.

While these three statements together aren't enough evidence to convict, so to speak, if my initial argument about the interpretation of "Buck up!" and Crowley's reaction is correct--and the cool stuff other people have found and pointed out suggests it is AND explains Crowley's Antony & Cleopatra line--this reading of the Edinburgh bickering is, if not ironclad, at least valid.

And holy shit, people, that makes this scene romantic af from beginning to end. I could not have asked for a better little gift from my fellow humans. 🤯I have such a better understanding of the entire 1601 scene because people from anywhere with an Internet connection sat down and spent their time sharing their ideas, and it just makes the lit-nerd lobe of my brain so happy. I love you all, you romantics and nerds and perverts.

[cosmicjoke]

Man, okay, chapter 58 of "Saezuru", and this one was a doozy.

As usual, the Yakuza plot is super complex and involved, and I think I'm going to have to go back over previous chapters to make heads or tails of it. So I'll just focus on Yashiro and Doumeki, and in turn, Misumi and Tsunakawa for now.

So the cat's just out of the bag with Misumi finding out about Yashiro's involvement with Doumeki (though it seems clear to me that he isn't really aware of their sexual relations at this point, and I dread to find out what his reaction will be if he does find that out). What I didn't expect here was for Tsunakawa to basically start shit by telling Misumi about Doumeki, seemingly just to see what his reaction would be. But clearly, there's some deeper agenda at play. I think he's trying to gauge just how involved with Yashiro Doumeki is, and seeing Misumi's over the top reaction to finding out that he essentially sent Yashiro to the same place Doumeki was is going to give Tsunakawa a pretty good idea. He's going to know from Misumi's reaction that Yashiro and Doumeki aren't just "friends" or associates, or working together on business. Misumi is obviously pissed, but I think he'll be a lot MORE pissed if he finds out that Doumeki's been going to Yashiro for, it seems, the last two weeks, every time he has a moment to (and I'll get into that in a bit here). I've said before that Misumi's possessiveness of Yashiro would cause him to be particularly unhappy if he were to find out Doumeki is back in Yashiro's life, because I think he sees Doumeki as a threat to his hold on Yashiro. Also just to add, Misumi saying "That fucker hid it from me", with regards to Yashiro, also seems to convey just how pissed Misumi clearly is.

I also found Tsunakawa's comment about Yashiro seemingly having it good, and Misumi's response to that really interesting. Misumi says "Is that how you see it?", which implies to me that Misumi is aware that he basically keeps Yashiro in a kind of prison. That he may appear to have the freedom to move about and do what he wants, but the reality is, he's been under Misumi's control and thumb for over 20 years at this point. He isn't free at all, actually.

And okay, so... I don't know what the heck Doumeki is doing or thinking at this point. The fact he's been going to Yashiro over and over, for the last few weeks, having sex with him and then leaving, all the while clearly driving home to Yashiro the message that he doesn't have any feelings for him any longer and is just using him for sex... I can't imagine the toll this is taking on Yashiro mentally, and I can't imagine what it is Doumeki is trying to accomplish with this, other than keeping Yashiro in traction and basically trapped. I'm just going to flat out say I don't like it, and I think Doumeki is doing Yashiro a lot of harm at this point. He needs to quit pretending he doesn't care, and I think in order to do that, Doumeki is just going to have to face his own fears of losing Yashiro and accept whatever happens. I spoke before about how Doumeki is trying to control Yashiro, to keep him from running away, and a lot of that is rooted in a possessiveness that, frankly, he has no right to. Again and again throughout his life, Yashiro has been treated like an object and a possession by other men, and I see Doumeki doing the same to him now, and it really sucks. He's fucking with Yashiro's head, whether intentional or not, and given Yashiro's mental problems, I think it's wrong and potentially irrevocably damaging to him.

I think Yashiro's agitation toward Kageyama is sort of indicative of his growing despair, too. Kuga comes in and starts questioning him about Doumeki, and just Kuga being there, with Kage, is serving as yet another reminder of Yashiro's own isolation and loneliness. He gave Kuga to Kage, basically, set them up together, and then Kage has the gall to ask Yashiro here if he's alright, and then bring up to him his feelings for Doumeki. Given their history together, and his own obliviousness to Yashiro's feelings, that must seem particularly insulting and like rubbing salt into the wound for Yashiro. Kage also badgering Yashiro to "get out already" of the Yakuza, as if it's that easy, all while remaining blissfully unaware that Yashiro is only in the Yakuza to begin with because of Kage and the sacrifice Yashiro made to save his friends life and career... yeah, I was feeling pretty pissed at Kage and his usual, shitty ignorance this chapter.

The final images, of the rain starting to come down, and Yashrio remembering his exchange with Doumeki before the time skip, asking him what falling in love feels like for him... well, this is what falling in love feels like for Yashiro. Constant rejection and loss. First with Kage, and now, seemingly, with Doumeki. That last time it was raining, Yashiro seemed to lose Doumeki, after watching him be shot and fall under Hirata's gun. And shortly thereafter, he let Doumeki go, casting him out of his life for both their sakes.

That we see him walking alone in the rain here seems to symbolize his eternal loneliness, the way he's fated to forever love and not be loved in return. The second to last panel, showing Yashiro's pained expression, his teeth gritting together, and his words "Spare me, really,", seems like a plea to the universe to stop tormenting him like this.

How much pain can one person take?

Anyway, these are just my initial impressions after one read through. This was a really dense chapter with a lot going on, so I may have gotten everything wrong, lol. I'm going to go back and read it again, more slowly this time, and if I have any additional thoughts, I'll add them.

Just an additional note. Yashiro replying "No, not really," to Kage's question of whether he intends to quit the Yakuza also seems indicative to me of Yashiro's general feelings of despondency. At the beginning of the time skip, Yashiro seems almost intent on getting out, making real moves toward that end, trying to make enough money to basically buy himself out. But now he's saying he's not even really intending on quitting. I feel like, given what's going on between him and Doumeki, Yashiro is started to feel hopeless, and his resignation to his position in life, despite the misery he's always felt being trapped in that world, seems like an extension of that.

[linkemon]

Too late (Runaan x Reader)

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"— ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ꜰʀᴇᴇ, ʀᴜɴᴀᴀɴ."

ᴀᴅᴅɪᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ɪɴꜰᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ: 1. ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴꜱ ᴀ ꜱᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴘɪꜱᴏᴅᴇ 8 ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ 1ꜱᴛ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ. 2. ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ'ꜱ ᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴡᴀꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡɴ ᴜɴᴛɪʟ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ (ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴜꜱ ᴋɴᴇᴡ).

What was Viren trying to accomplish? The question had been on Runaan's mind for days now. How long, he couldn't remember exactly. After he'd murdered the king of Katolis and been thrown into a cramped cell, he'd lost track of time.

[Reader] would visit him sometimes. At least, that was how she introduced herself. She brought him both human food, elven juice and messages from Viren as well. So far, he had not drunk anything, nor admitted to anything. But he found that the girl was a diversion during the slowly dragging time. The time that was still left before he died.

He was more certain of nothing in his life than his imminent end. Raised as an elven warrior, he learned from an early age to push fear into the recesses of his consciousness. And years spent training and the oath sworn with his brothers allowed him to do what had to be done and accept the consequences.

He only regretted that Rayla, whom he had trained for so long, was unable to shed her scruples. But he had little control over that. He only knew that she would lose her hand instead of her life, which might have been a silver lining but in reality she would be covered in shame for not keeping her oath.

The value Runaan fought for was justice.

Or at least he believed with all his might that it was. Even if, from the perspective of the human race, he dreamed of revenge, he considered it righteous.

That was why he was hanging almost helplessly from the handcuffs connected to the ceiling. They locked his arms, legs and prevented him from moving most of the time. But he still held his head up with the pride typical of elves. Unfortunately, his strength was gradually failing him, which did not go unnoticed by Viren.

Runaan had already examined every inch of gray stone beneath his feet and the mold at the other end of the cell. Every now and then he caught a glimpse of a mouse scurrying by. At that unremarkable moment, [Reader] entered the cell. Her demeanor, however, indicated that something was clearly wrong because she usually moved quickly and quietly but now she turned her head a few times, as if checking to see if anyone was behind her and then, right in front of him, drank some of the juice.

— You should take this. — She held the bottle to his lips. — I assure you it’s not poisoned.

— What you did doesn’t prove anything yet — he replied in a hoarse voice.

He didn't really believe in the girl's intentions. She could have just as easily drunk the antidote or let herself be sacrificed to the governor.

— Viren doesn't want to kill you. He needs you. For now, at least — she added quietly. — And I'm going to get you out of here.

— Why would the woman from Katolis want to release her king’s killer from prison? — he snarled.

— Harrow was never my king — she snapped quietly.

— I still don't see why you would do something like that.

— I don't have time for your idiotic questions.

— My dear, I have all the time in the world. — He smiled.

She looked at him, then resignedly pushed her hair to the side. Despite the darkness, lit only by the faint glow from the corridor, he saw that it carefully covered her long, elven ears.

Runaan, unable to believe his eyes, moved his gaze to her hands, where he saw five fingers.

— Most people are at the king’s funeral, so we have some time — she explained briefly, glancing back out of the corner of her eye. — My grandfather was an elf. — She pointed to her ears again. — He fell in love with my grandmother, who followed him to Xadia, where my mother was later born. A year later, humans stole the dragon prince’s egg and, at her husband’s urging, she fled to Katolis. Hoping for his return, she raised the child. It wasn’t that hard. My mother was physically fit but her appearance was deceptively close to human. When she grew up, she met my father and the genes weakened even more. That’s why I have five fingers and I’m not much different from anyone else. After my mother died, I ended up at the castle by saving the life of Claudia, who is Viren’s daughter. Since then, I’ve been under his watchful eye and...

— I don’t understand what you’re getting at — he said.

— I want to get to Xadia safely. I received a sealed letter from my grandfather half a year ago. There is no mistake. He is waiting for me there because he is unable to get to Katolis without getting involved in the conflict. By holding back, he pays tribute to my deceased grandmother.

From the elf's perspective, [Reader]'s grandfather had lost his honour by failing to fight for his people but Runaan was not about to throw away a potential ally. So he stuck to the neutral statement of fact:

— I understand that in exchange for your help I would take you to Xadia.

— Yes. — She rubbed her fingers nervously.

— Why do you think I'd agree? I've already achieved my goal. Besides, I might as well slaughter you right after you escape.

— Elves aren’t like that! — she interjected.

She hesitated but quickly regained her composure.

It sounded like she'd said this denial many times before.

— I know that... people believe the nonsense they're told but my family didn't ignore the truth when I was learning about your culture. If I hadn't chosen to trust you, I wouldn't be here.

Runaan held her determined gaze.

— Let's say I trust you, too. What's your plan? Assuming you have one...

— We'll have to wait until the coronation, when the perfect opportunity to get you out of here quietly will present itself. Especially since Viren put spells on the shackles but I've already stolen a few things, so that shouldn't be a problem. You should also try to regain your strength by then, so I brought you some juice and some formula. — She pulled out a second vial, previously hidden in her wide skirt.

The elf eyed both bottles suspiciously, then sniffed as she unscrewed the cap. The first definitely contained juice. He wasn't so sure about the second but the liquid reminded him of something the medic had made him the last time he'd had a nasty wound and needed a quick fix.

He was aware of the risk he was takin but he had already completed his task. The only thing that loomed before him was death or the betrayal of his already dead brothers. He had no other choice.

So he did what cold calculation told him and drank the contents of both bottles.

— I’ll be back tomorrow. — She smiled shyly in response to this act.

Then, looking around carefully, she left the cell. Leaving Runaan with doubts.

The elf was finally able to let his guard down for a moment.

Being suspended in handcuffs was already making it hard for him to sleep. Now, on top of that, he wondered if he had just made a mortal mistake. As a result, he didn't sleep a wink until Viren's next visit.

[Reader] came to him when she received such an order and she was exactly as quiet as she had been at first. The elf guessed that the governor must be watching her.

Their meetings were completely different when she came while Viren was unaware.

She brought him bits and pieces of information about his kin that she had managed to overhear in the castle, told him about her past and corrected her knowledge of elves. Oddly enough, she managed to get close enough to Runaan to tell her about himself. He had never confided in anyone like that in his life.

[Reader] also made an ointment that would partially numb the pain but didn't get rid of the prisoner's scars, cuts or bruises. They didn't want to risk a failed operation by acting too suspiciously.

The girl applied the medicine with such delicacy that the elf could have sworn that if he had even hissed, he would have stopped feeling that anyone was there.

Oddly enough, her touch and presence seemed oddly soothing to him, even though he had hated the human race so much up until that point. He explained it to himself by saying that she was the only one who resembled his people to some extent.

The night before her escape, [Reader] went over every step of the journey and the details with him once more, and then, before she could change her mind, she walked over and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

— Tomorrow you will be free, Runaan. — She left.

The elf was confused as he felt a warmth around his heart but decided to put the budding feeling aside as the day had come when he would regain his freedom.

However, the governor thwarted the plans by bringing something the prisoner had not expected. A mirror was brought into the cell.

Runaan was well aware of the danger that lurked within the ancient relic, especially considering whose hands it had taken. He also knew that if he so much as uttered a word, death would befall many, so he proudly refused to cooperate.

He kept the secret.

But it cost him pain, suffering and endless nightmares.

Even Gren on the other side of the castle dungeons heard his screams.

He had lost all hope of any escape.

Because how could one try to escape from inside the coin?

He lost his chance at something he had never experienced before.

Two hours later, [Reader] entered the cell.

However, she found no one there.

She arrived too late.

[bunsreverie]

As I promised here’s the hcs I wrote for Ethan, prompt being how he’d be as a boyfriend/what he’d be like in a relationship!

. ࣪ ˖ Ethan:

• Ethan is bold and outgoing. You can most definitely tell when he loves someone- his mannerisms may resemble that of a lovesick teenage boy. I can imagine him using jokes and even some playful flirting in attempt to get your attention. He’s sort of immature sometimes, but you’ll have to forgive him, he has no experience with love, and I don’t think he’s very good at taking things seriously when they need to be.

• Ethan’s only real flaw in my opinion is that he may be too unserious, or sometimes even inconsiderate. Obviously, he doesn’t mean this. I feel that his occasional lack of consideration is just a front he puts up- Ethan has actually been through a lot, and I think a lot of people tend to ignore that. Making jokes of every situation to me seems like a way of avoiding reality, and the reality is he has had it kind of rough. Growing up in Tangton and turning to trickery and robbery to get by couldn’t have been easy. I suppose you could say he may use humor and pranks to cope, though I will say that does follow through when it comes to more light hearted things as well.

• Since founding the All Trade’s Agency and changing his criminalist ways, I think Ethan is much better at discerning when he needs to be serious with you. Ethan is aware you have boundaries and he will often ask you if he goes too far, just to be sure. One thing he would never joke about with you is your appearance or something he knows you are insecure of, or cannot change. If you’re the type of person to have trouble discerning when things are serious or just a joke, he will always specify for you. Just tell him if he says something you find insensitive and he’ll apologize.

• Because of his past wrongdoings, Ethan makes a conscious effort to become a better person and help others in attempt to make up for it. So every single day, Ethan will check on you just to make sure you are okay, and ask if you need anything from him. I feel he would love surprises, so I think you’ll find yourself getting used to him showing up at your home unwarranted rather quickly.. Especially if you do not answer his messages, at first he might think you’re playing with him. But if he knows you’re not the kind of person to just ignore him like that, he quickly worries. If you won’t answer him for whatever reason, he’ll just come to you.

• I don’t believe Ethan would be good at consoling you with words and having a serious conversation if you needed to, but he’d try. You’re better off just letting him listen to you or completely distracting you from whatever is wrong with something more positive. He might not be able to contribute much to the conversation or fix the problem, but he would he wonderful at making you feel better about it, even just temporarily. Ethan will press a kiss to your forehead and offer to take a walk with you to the park to see some of his cat friends.

• Ethan enjoys playing his accordion for you, and he would probably get so damn flustered if you complimented his skills. Ask him to try teaching you how to play- when you show such interest, he feels so appreciated. No matter what mood you are in, he’s always happy to play music for you. Bonus points if you can play an instrument too, or sing or dance, because he will definitely fall further in love with you, which he probably didn’t even think was possible.

• Something I also think he would enjoy is surprising you with gifts- even if it’s something small and simple, I feel like every time he sees you, he will excitedly tell you he has a surprise for you. He likes seeing the look on your face, it’s precious to him, and makes him feel a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. Ethan also quite often shows his love through words of endearment or compliments. He’s always got something nice to say and he hopes it will brighten your day.

• “I love the new perfume you’ve been wearing, by the way, where did you get it?” He’ll say this, knowing he’s the one that bought it- I think he just wants to hear you thank him and tell him how much you love it- He just likes when you acknowledge him, it makes him feel that his efforts are appreciated. He’s not a fan of buying fancy expensive gifts however, he would much rather make you a gift himself, or buy you many small things that he sees and thinks you’d like. “I saw something at a shop while out today and it made me think of you, so I got it!”

• If you’re not an animal lover, that’s too bad, because Ethan will stop to pet every animal he sees, and spends a great deal of time talking with them. In fact, you can expect Ethan to use his powers of communicating to animals to an advantage- he often tells his animal friends all about you. When he first began to develop feelings for you, Ethan would spend hours a day just talking to some stray kittens about you. It’s no wonder why they’re practically all over you when you meet them- Ethan’s told his animal friends wonderful things about you. He jokingly refers to these kittens as you two’s babies.

• His idea of fun is probably something outdoors related. I think Ethan would enjoy bringing you along on his little part time jobs to help him make some extra money. He considers you a good luck charm of sorts. He promises he’ll take you out for dinner wherever you want afterwards if you’ll help him sell some overpriced charms containing his divine power to some random people on the streets in Gyrate. He’ll think about using some of that money he made to buy you a new outfit you’ve been eyeing at the shop down the street for a while.

• If you can cook, he instantly falls harder for you. If you cook him his favorite vegetarian dishes, he is at a complete loss for words. Any effort you put into making him something makes his heart feel full. Really, any kind of act of service you do for him will make him feel that way. He’s extremely appreciative of every little thing you do, and he’ll show it by returning the favor with spontaneous gifts or dates, to show you how much he adores you. One thing he doesn’t like is when you do something for him, and he doesn’t pay you back. You can tell him he doesn’t have to pay you back all you want, but until he can do something nice for you in return, he’ll feel bad.

• Ethan is a spontaneous and generous boyfriend all in all. He can be a pain in the ass, (in an affectionate way..) but you love him to death for it, and wouldn’t want it any other way.

[crusty-chronicles]

hii! i really love your airhead s/o series!! especially that ging one, perhaps can you make a part 2 of airhead s/o x ging? i really love it😭😭

You know what, why the hell not. There simply isn't enough of this stinky man out there and I truly do love him. He's cute in the feral rat kinda way 🥺

BONUS AIRHEADED S/O HEADCANNONS: Ging part 2

Like a thorn in his side, you simply won't leave

He doesn't recall how exactly he met you, but he does remember what he said that started all this.

"Keep up with me if you can."

And keep up you did. A little too well. And now he was stuck with you.

Buys plastic plates and Styrofoam cups because you can't break them.

Seriously, every good dish he had is shattered in the trash somewhere.

No plastic spoons or forks though

He tried that once and you had broken them, unawares that the extra crunch to your cereal was plastic

Is amazed and a little curious to find out you set the sink on fire.

Like honsetly, what the fuck???? Should he be impressed or scared.

Ging is a lazy stinky man

He has you in one of those backpacks with leashes when you go out in crowded places.

Cannot be bothered to go looking for you, so the next best thing is to leash you so you don't wander far.

You'll see something you think is cool and rush off, only to be stopped by a small tug pulling you back.

"Can you focus for one second?"

And for the first time he actually looks the part of a parent as he tugs you back towards him.

"Quit running around, pup."

God forbid the leash is detachable and you find out how to get free

"Yes, I need some help. My idiot got loose and I can't find them."

"Sir this is a Mcdonalds."

The one thing he made sure to tell Gon atop the Great tree, was to make sure he found somebody who always kept him on his toes.

"Why?"

"Life is better when the person you're with makes it interesting." Completely unaware you were only a few branches down listening.

Panics when you leave for hunter business because of that one time.

"Pick up your phone, idiot!!!! Damnit! How many times have I told you not to go by yourself!"

Waits for you like an upset parent that just caught their kid sneaking back in

Arms crossed, sitting on your sofa style

Waiting impatiently as you bump into the vase by the door after breaking the lock to get in.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

And you stare up at him with puppy eyes holding out a small box.

"I got you a souvenir." 🥺

And it's most likely broken but he appreciates it anyways.

All great hunters are liked by animals.

You get adopted by nearly all the apex predators you come across

And Ging is distressed because 'That is a fucking lion, Y/n. You can't just cuddle it.'

He tries to take you away from it, only for whatever creature had you hostage to growl at him.

Then it continues licking you and eventually whines when you get up to follow a very perplexed Ging.

(He secretly thinks it's cool)

Ging knows you're stupid, but that you're not an idiot

He knows you get lost on missions frequently and for the life of you can't not break something for five seconds.

But he also knows that you can tell when people are lying and being disingenuous

You hate Pariston for a reason

That and he lied to you once about something which resulted in you refusing to talk to him for weeks

He totally didn't care

Totally didn't try to send you a message only to see you'd blocked his number (how you accomplished that, he'd never know)

Totally didn't ask Kite to check up on you and make sure you hadn't died or something

What him? Never

And he also totally didn't swing by your apartment to leave a box of your favorite snacks on your doorstep

Couldn't be him 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah, he never tried to lie to you after that.

He refuses to baby you, but if someone makes fun of you for not being able to do something, he's kicking their ass

Makes you teach Gon some of your nen tricks

Just because he knows you're capable enough to do so

You're not a two star hunter for nothing.

Plus it means you two get to bond. Which is something he'd deny to his grave

Him, wanting his partner and son to be close???

You're delusional, he doesn't care 🙄🙄🙄

Yes he does and what he lied to you about was having a kid in the first place.

He just knew you'd spill the secret on his whereabouts is all

Gon thinks you are the coolest person he's met so far.

Alluka, who can grant wishes? She's cool

You, who took him fishing and caught an alligator by wrestling it????

You're his idol 🤩🤩🤩

And Ging is so damn proud because the next day his son brought home this huge sea monster he caught with your help.

"Why wouldn't I settle for a capable partner," is the biggest compliment he'll give.

He is a man child who fights for your attention with anybody. Not even poor little Gon is safe 😞

The barista's hand brushed against yours while handing you a drink?

Ging is dragging you out by your hand, glaring behind at the confused worker.

You're catching up with an old friend?

Okay, but they're clearly not that interesting if you ditched them for him. So quit wasting time and follow him to this cool thing he just found.

Gon wants you to teach him and his friend a new ability?

It's a family event now

Physically cannot say he loves you

He's just not used to it

And he can't even hint to it through romantic gestures because you don't understand subtlety

But, he's more physical with you than with most people

You get to jostle him around in your excitement and pull him everywhere you go

Doesn't mean he won't complain about it

He just won't push you off

"That's enough, pup. You'll make me dizzy."

"But I haven't seen you in a while, don't be all mean."

And he regrettably lets you keep your arms tight around him

You can't read maps and he's so surprised you accomplish anything that requires travel

Showers

He showers with you or he doesn't at all

He just wants to make sure you don't fall in there okay. 🙄You already trip on dry land, so imagine the wet tile.

It's because he likes the way you're so gentle when you wash his scalp. And because you always have the best scented soaps.

Kissed you one time and collapsed from embarrassment

Like a real kiss, not the little forehead ones he gives when you've been good.

Red in the face and unable to look at you properly

All because he said he stole your favorite sweet and taunted you for it.

You'd tackled him down and kissed him, swiping your tongue on his lips.

And he was 😳😳😳

And when you pulled away with a triumphant smile on your face, he actually did faint.

You were so confused because he didn't taste like your candy??? Did he lie to you again???

Gets flustered if Gon asks him when he's gonna marry you.

Like c'mon kid, don't say things like that!!! They're literally right there!

(Doesn't want to marry you because he couldn't take it if you decided you couldn't stand him after all. But he also really does because you keep his life interesting)

"I want what I can't have."

Didn't know he wanted an idiot until trying and failing so many times to get you to see he actually does care

MASTERLIST

[alexandraisyes]

I really want to thank you.

I've learned a lot about psychology and mental health from your blog. And it's helped me change how I talk about disorders a lot (not calling people and characters sociopaths/psychopaths/narcassists when they're a bad person, not making jokes about schizophrenia, stopping saying "im delusional", etc.) And honestly its not even that hard to do once I understand the why of it. Why should I call villains sociopaths automatically? Because obviously that villainizes Aspd. And then it just- clicks in my brain and yeah, for some things (especially the delusional one because I hear people say it all the time) I have to remind myself and correct myself, but just changing my way of thinking helps what I say

It also isn't even kind of an inconvenience?? Like sure, for soem things I have to figure out what to say instead, but tbh that just makes me think deeper on what actually is going on. Not demonizing disorders actually is helping my own mental health, its nice

Plus, you've actually helped me discover my love for psychology. Learning how the brain works is really interesting! And I want to help people. Plus I'm learning in a way that doesn't cause my anxiety. I have issues with seeing things that I relate to and automatically worrying that I have that disorder or whatever, and it's defiently getting better, but also the way you explain things doesn't trigger that warning alarm in my brain. It's straight forward, and often you're talking about things I don't even kind of relate too, which both helps me learn about how other people's brains work and let's me learn without worrying about myself

anyway- uhh TLDR that was just a lengthy way to say that your explanations and things have educated me and I really enjoy reading them (sometimes I physically can't bring myself to because they're long, but most of the time I can!!!)

Thank youuu. You've helped me learn more about others and myself <3

I have been marinating this in my mind for the past day, trying to figure out how to express how lovely of a feeling this brings me. I'm not exactly the emotional sort, so the immediate shock and then elation has long since passed, but the contentedness remains.

I cannot properly express the gratitude I feel, towards you and the universe, from this message. This is the kind of impact I've wanted to have on the world since I was very young. I would sit in my room as a little girl and daydream that I would write a novel or sing a song that was so expressive about pain and clarity and yes, psychology, although I didn't know the word for it, that it would shift people's mentalities, and make them understand why compassion is important. And reach the people who needed to hear it, and help them deal with their own hurt, and their own trauma, and let my words be a sort of healing factor in people's lives.

Never once did I ever think I'd achieve that through a tumblr blog.

And I have such a small amount of reach, such a small amount of influence in the grand scheme of things, but pebbles can cause landsides.

It's such a profound feeling to know that you have accomplished what you set out to do in even just a handful of people. That you have made a real difference to the net positive, like you've always wanted to. Everyone wants to leave a lasting legacy, an impression on people, that's just human nature, and some people will reach and reach and reach for that legacy and never be satisfied.

And I'm about to start getting really philosophical, so I'll cut it off here with a thank you. Thank you for telling me this. Thank you for letting me know that I have made a difference. I don't exactly have a sense of self for this knowledge to fall back on (a rather unfortunate consequence of my disorder), but I will cherish it regardless. Despite the fact that I have always wanted to make a difference, it never crossed my mind that I may actually reach that goal one day.

I'm glad my writings have helped you.

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 16th ❤︎

good morning lovely friends! here is what i accomplished and what i could have improved today, to hold myself accountable. it was really effective for me to know that i had posted my goals list on tumblr yesterday where others could see it; whenever i felt like giving in to my adhd brain that tells me that tasks are to be feared, i would simply remember that i had kind folks online who were interested in seeing me succeed hehe, it helped me so much! here is my first day ❤︎

accomplishments:

i completed all of my cleaning goals and more! it turned into a deeper clean than i thought it would be which felt really nice (and is usually how it goes once i get cleaning). it's so lovely to be able to start fresh with a clean working and sleeping space; it's so much easier to feel inspired, be productive, and take care of yourself when your environment is as ready for you as you are for it!

i wasn't going to complete all of my texting and calling tasks, BUT I DID! these types of tasks are the hardest for me to get done because i have pretty intense social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and communicating with others both online and offline takes a lot of mental preparation and energy for me. but i did it, and i am so, so proud of myself! in fact...

self-compassion:

not only did i accomplish my original communication goals, i also ended up replying to two friends i hadn't seen in a long time, even though i was anxious! both of them were at my sister's show last night and i was so surprised to see them and a couple of other friends that i had to go have a bathroom cry from the anxiety lol. i had so many emotions coming up; the first was sadness and shame seeing that they had all come in a group together and that i wasn't with them. i joined them two seconds after i saw everyone, but the sadness was still there because i was positive they would have invited me into the group earlier if i had been less isolated this last year, which is where the guilt came in. i realized i had been isolating from my friends for so long out of fear that i wasn't wanted, didn't provide anything to them, and that maybe i didn't have people i liked being around after all, but that is so, so far from the truth; i do have friends who love me and who i love, and all of them were so loving, so kind, and actually sent me messages after the show telling me how much they loved me and how happy they were to see me! it made me cryyyy and feel so many feelings. i have plans to see them next week, and i actually feel like i'm overcoming my isolation era at long last; i'm really proud of myself for having self-compassion and using tools i've learned in therapy to better my life! :')

my next step is to learn more about and overcome this shame i have around letting my friends love me for who i am; the only way to learn more about it is to actually make plans to see friends and be vulnerable; wish me luck 😭💗

improvements to make:

as for my other tasks; i cleaned out one of my emails, but i have so many email accounts that it felt a little bit lacklustre to call that an accomplishment. today i'd like to break down how big the task of consolidating my digital life will actually be so that i can take measurable and consistent steps towards completing my goal (writing that sentence is baffling me right now - bunny from a few days ago never would have realized how much writing out her goals could help her in being less afraid of them! this feels like a huge accomplishment for my adhd brain!)

today felt like a really successful day, and i'm super proud of myself! this was only the beginning of what i actually want to accomplish in a day, but it was such a great way to try it out. i'm excited to see where this journey takes me and how these daily checklists and reflections will affect my productivity; they already have helped so much! if you've made it to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read about my day, it means so much to me! lets try our best to have another successful day! ❤︎