#messages like this are so interesting because what are you trying to accomplish here

[anotherpapercut]

I agree that drugs should be legalised and not stigmatized but you're delusional if you think "most drugs can be consumed completely safely with almost 0 risk to the user"

I think the key here is the word "can" by which I mean that if consumed in safe doses and safe environments and from safe sources etc most like mainstream drugs (I'm thinking of like mdma, LSD, shrooms, ketamine, coke) CAN be consumed safely with very little risks. I know this to be a fact #1. because I've done a lot of actual research on this where I've read numerous sources from scientists doctors and users as opposed to just say taking in the abstinence only information I received during school, reading a couple Tumblr posts and assuming I know everything there is to know about the topic and #2 I've used every drug I just listed and more and never suffered any adverse effects because I did my research, tested them for impurities when appropriate, and took other measures to ensure my safety

there are obviously exceptions and drugs that just shouldn't be fucked with (meth and heroin is what I'm thinking, but I also know people who have consumed these once or twice with 0 repercussions because that's how human experience works), but if you're actually interested in learning more about the many ways in which you were lied to about how "illegal drugs" are somehow automatically much worse for you than prescription drugs or socially acceptable drugs (like caffeine and alcohol) then feel free to either 1. do your own ACTUAL research that does not involve trusting for profit rehab centers and abstinence only educators (I'll even get you started with a couple good resources) or 2. message me off anon to have a real discussion about the mechanisms by which the most common drugs operate and the ways in which they can be consumed as safely as you can consume alcohol cigarettes and energy drinks but sending me your half cocked uninformed and unnecessarily insulting opinion on anon is not exactly productive. additionally, I'm sure you can see why I struggle to see or believe that you ACTUALLY think drugs should be destigmatized and aren't just parroting what you think the correct woke opinion is when you refuse to even take the very first step to destigmatizing drugs, drug use, and drug users and actually unlearn all the stigmatizing things you've been taught

I know that it's a lot easier just to port over all the things you've learned from dubious sources that you trusted implicitly because they claimed to be an authority and not actually do the work required to achieve the goals you claim to support, but easier doesn't mean right

[taradactyls]

So I could be totally wrong but, I believe it was sort of expected that men/gentlemen lose their virginity before marriage in regency times. But I also there’s some fandom ‘debate’ about whether or not Mr Darcy would’ve had sex before getting married. So I was just curious about what your canon for Mr Darcy in T3W is. Is he a virgin or not?

I knew someone would ask me this eventually, haha. I've actually had really long conversations with my beta reader about this trying to figure it out. It sounds like this might all be stuff that you’ve already seen discussed in the fandom, but I’ve never thought about it deeply before and so these are new thoughts to me.

I keep going over the historical real-world likelihood, the authorial intent, and the text itself but I’m still not 100%. I’ll explain my thinking and what I find most likely, but here’s your warning that it’s not a clear cut yes/no.

Because on one hand, at that time period it was most common for men in his position to have seen sex workers or have casual encounters/mistresses with women from their estates. Though I do absolutely believe not all men did that, no matter how much wealth and power they had. To go back some centuries, William the Conqueror seemed to be famously celibate (no hints of male lovers either according to the biography I read) until his marriage, and there's no evidence of affairs after it either. The best guesses as to why are that it was due to his religious devotion and the problems that had arisen from himself being a bastard and not wanting to recreate that situation. Concerns over religion and illegitimate children would certainly still have been applicable in the regency to men who thought that way. And in modern times I've seen sex workers say that when an 18/21yo is booked in by his family/friends to 'become a man' often they end up just talking and agree to lie about the encounter. After all, it’s not like every man wants casual sex, even if they aren’t demisexual or something in that vein. But, statistically speaking, the precedent of regency gentlemen would make Darcy not a virgin.

On the other hand, just how aware was Jane Austen, the very religious daughter of a country rector, of the commonness of this? There’s a huge difference between knowing affairs and sex workers existed (and no one who had seen a Georgian newspaper could be blind to this) and realising that the majority of wealthy men saw sex workers at some point even if they condemned the more public and profligate affairs. The literature for young ladies at the time paints extramarital sex - including the lust of men outside of marriage - as pretty universally bad and dangerous. This message is seen from 'Pamela' and other gothic fiction to non-fiction conduct books which Jane Austen would have encountered. Here's something I found in 'Letters to a Young Lady' by the reverend John Bennett which I found particularly interesting as it's in direct conversation with other opinions of the era:

"A reformed rake makes the best husband." Does he? It would be very extraordinary, if he should. Besides, are you very certain, that you have power to reform him? It is a matter, that requires some deliberation. This reformation, if it is to be accomplished, must take place before marriage. Then if ever, is the period of your power. But how will you be assured that he is reformed? If he appears so, is he not insidiously concealing his vices, to gain your affections? And when he knows, they are secured, may he not, gradually, throw off the mask, and be dissipated, as before? Profligacy of this kind is seldom eradicated. It resembles some cutaneous disorders, which appear to be healed, and yet are, continually, making themselves visible by fresh eruptions. A man, who has carried on a criminal intercourse with immoral women is not to be trusted, His opinion of all females is an insult to their delicacy. His attachment is to sex alone, under particular modifications.

The definition of a rake is more than a man who has seen a sex worker once, it's about appearance and general conduct too, but again, would that distinction be made to young ladies? Because they seem to simply be continuously taught 'lust when unmarried is bad and beware men who you know engage in extramarital sex.' As a side note, Jane Austen certainly knew at least something about the mechanics of sex: her letters and literature she read alludes to it, and she grew up around farm animals in the countryside which is an education in itself.

We can also see from this exert that the school of thought seems to be 'reformed rake' vs 'never a rake' in contention for the title of best husband, there's no debate over whether a current rake is unsuitable for a young lady. And, from Willoughby to Wickham to Crawford, I think we have a very clear idea of Jane Austen's ideas of how likely it is notably promiscuous men can reform. This does not preclude the possibility that her disparaging commentary around their lust is based more on over-indulgence or the class of women they seduce, but it's undoubtedly a condemnation of such men directly in line with the first part of what John Bennett says so it's no stretch to believe she saw merit in the follow-on conclusions of the second part as well. Whether she would view it with enough merit to consider celibacy the only respectable option for unmarried men is a bit unclearer.

I did consider that perhaps Jane Austen consciously treated this as a grey area where she couldn’t possibly know what young men did (the same reasoning is why we never see the men in the dining room after the ladies retire, etc) and so didn't hold an opinion on men's extramarital encounters with sex workers/lower-class women at all, but I think there actually are enough hints in her works that this isn’t the case. Though, unsurprisingly, given the delicacy of the subject, there’s no direct mention of sex workers or gentlemen having casual lovers from among the lower-classes in her texts.

That also prevents us from definitively knowing whether she thought extramarital sex was so common, and as unremarkable, as most gentlemen treated it. But we do see from her commentary around the consequences of Maria Bertram and Henry Crawford's elopement that she had criticism of the double standards men and women were held to when violating sexual virtue. Another indication that she perhaps expected good men to be capable of waiting until marriage in the way that she very clearly believed women should. At the very least, a man who often indulges in extramarital sex does not seem to be one who would be considered highly by Jane Austen.

She makes a point of saying, in regards to not liking his wife, that Mr Bennet “was not of a disposition to seek comfort for the disappointment which his own imprudence had brought on, in any of those pleasures which too often console the unfortunate for their folly or their vice.” This must include affairs, though cheating on a wife cannot be a 1:1 equivalent of single young men sleeping around before marriage. However, the latter is generally critically accepted to be one of the flaws that Darcy lays at Wickham’s door along with gambling when talking about their youth and his “vicious propensities" and "want of principle." Though this could be argued that it’s more the extent or publicity of it (but remembering that it couldn't be anything uncommon enough that it couldn't be hidden from Darcy Sr. or explained away) rather than the act itself, or maybe seductions instead of paying women offering those services. I also believe Persuasion mentioning Sunday travelling as proof of thoughtless/immoral activity supports the idea that Jane Austen might have been religious enough that she would never create a hero who had extramarital sex.

So, taken all together this would make Darcy potentially a virgin, or, since I couldn't find absolute evidence of her opinions, leave enough room that he isn’t but extramarital sex isn’t a regular (or perhaps recent) thing and he would never have had anything so established as a mistress.

I’ve also been wondering, if Darcy isn’t a virgin, who would he have slept with? I’ve been musing on arguments for and against each option for weeks at this point. No romantasy has ever made me think about a fictional man's sexual habits so much as the question of Darcy's sexual history. What is my life.

Sex workers are an obvious answer, and the visits wouldn’t have raised any eyebrows. Discretion was part of their job, it was a clean transaction with no further responsibilities towards them, and effective (and reusable, ew) condoms existed at this time so there was little risk of children and no ability to exactly determine the paternity even if there was an accident. It was a fairly ‘responsible’ choice if one wanted no strings attached. In opposition to this, syphilis was rampant at the time, and had been known to spread sexually for centuries. Sex workers were at greater risk of it than anyone else and so the more sensible and risk-averse someone is (and I think Mr Darcy would be careful) the less likely they would be to visit sex workers. Contracting something that was known as potentially deadly and capable of making a future wife infertile if it spread to her could make any intelligent and cautious man think twice.

Servants and tenants of the estate are another simple and common answer. Less risk of stds, it can be based on actual attraction more than money (though money might still change hands), and is a bit more intimate. But Wickham’s called wicked for something very similar, when he dallies (whether he only got to serious flirting, kissing, or sleeping with them I don’t think we can conclusively say) with the common women of Meryton: “his intrigues, all honoured with the title of seduction, had been extended into every tradesman's family.” And it isn't as though Wickham had any personal duty towards those people beyond the claims of basic dignity. Darcy, who is shown to have such respect and understanding for his responsibilities towards the people of his estate and duties of a landlord, would keenly feel if any of his actions were leading his servants/tenants astray and down immoral paths. Servants, especially, were considered directly under the protection of the family whose house they worked in. I think it's undoubtable that Mrs Reynolds (whose was responsible for the wellbeing - both physically and spiritually - of the female servants) would not think so well of Mr Darcy if he had experimented with maids in his youth. It would reflect badly on her if a family entrusted their daughter to her care and she 'lost her virtue' under her watch. Daughters/widows of others living on the estate not under the roof of Pemberley House are a little more likely, but still, if he did have an affair with any of them I can only think it possible when he was much younger and did not feel his duties quite so strongly. Of course lots of real men didn't care about any of this, but Darcy is so far from being depicted as careless about his duties that the narrative makes a point of how exceptional his quality of care was. Frankly, it's undeniable that none of Jane Austen's heroes were flippant about their responsibilities towards those under their protection. I cannot serious entertain an interpretation that makes Darcy not, at his current age, at least, cognizant of the contemporary problems inherent in sleeping with servants or others on his estate.

A servant in a friend’s house would remove some of that personal responsibility, but transfer it to instead be leading his friend’s servants astray and in a manner which he is less able to know about if a child did result. That latter remains a problem even if we move the setting to his college, so not particularly likely for his character as we know it… though it wouldn’t be unusual for someone to be more unthinking and reckless in their teenage years than they are at twenty-eight so I don’t think having sex then can be ruled out. Kissing I can much more easily believe, especially when at Oxford or Cambridge, but every scenario of sleeping with a lower-class woman has some compelling arguments against it especially the closer we get to the time of the novel.

Men did of course also have affairs with women of ranks similar to their own, though given Jane Austen’s well-known feelings towards men who ‘ruined’ the virtue of young ladies we can safely say that Darcy never slept with an unwed middle- or upper-class woman. Any decent man would have married them out of duty if it got so far; but if he was the sort to let it get so far, I think it impossible Jane Austen would consider him respectable. Widows are a possibility, but again, the respectable thing to do would be to marry them. Perhaps a poorer merchant’s widow would be low enough that marriage is off the table but high enough that the ‘leading astray’ aspect loses its master-servant responsibilities (though the male-female ‘protect the gentler sex’ aspect remains) but his social circle didn’t facilitate meeting many ladies like that. Plus, an affair with a woman in society would remove many layers of privacy and anonymity that sex-workers and lower-class lovers provided by simply being unremarkable to the world at large. It carries a far greater risk of scandal and a heavier sense of immorality in the terms of respecting a woman’s purity which classism prevented from applying so heavily to lower-class women.

I think it’s important to note here that something that removes the need to think about duties of landlords towards the lower-classes or gentlemen towards gentlewomen is having affairs with other men of a similar rank. But, aside from the risk of scandal and what could be called the irresponsibility of engaging in illegal acts, it’s almost certain that Jane Austen would never have supported this. For a devout author in this era the way I’m calculating likelihoods makes it not even a possibility. But if you want to write a different fanfiction (and perhaps something like a break-up could explain why Darcy doesn’t seem to have any closer friend than someone whom he must have only met two or so years ago despite being in society for years before that) it does have that advantage over affairs with women of equal- and lower-classes. I support alternate interpretations entirely – it just isn’t how I’m deciding things in this instance.

I keep coming back to the conclusion that, at the very least, Darcy hasn’t had sex recently and it was never a common occurrence. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jane Austen felt he hadn’t done it ever. Kissing, as we can see from all the parlour games at the time, wasn’t viewed as harshly, so I think he’s likely made out with someone before. But in almost every situation it does seem that the responsible and religious thing to do (which Jane Austen values so highly) is for it to never have progressed to sex. I also don’t think it conflicts with his canon characterisation to say that he wouldn’t regard sexual experience as a crucial element of his life thus far, and his personality isn’t driven to pursue pleasure for himself, so it’s entirely possible that he would never go out of his way to seek it. So, I’m inclined to think that the authorial and textual evidence is in favour of Darcy being a virgin even if the real-world contemporary standard is the opposite. (Though both leave enough room for exceptions that I’m not going to argue with anyone who feels differently; and even if you agree with all my points, you might simply weight authorial intent/textual evidence/contemporary likelihoods differently than I do and come to a different conclusion).

Remember that even if Darcy is a virgin this wouldn’t necessarily equate to lack of knowledge, only experience. There were plenty of books and artwork focused on sex, and Darcy, studious man that he is, would no doubt pay attention to what knowledge his friends/male relatives shared. Though some of it (Looking especially at you, 'Fanny Hill, Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure') should NEVER be an example of appropriate practice for taking a woman's virginity. Darcy would almost certainly have been taught directly or learnt through exposure to other men talking to make sex good for a woman – it was a commonly held misconception (since Elizabethan England, I believe) that women had to orgasm to conceive. It would be in his interests as an empathetic husband, and head of a family, to know how to please his wife.

Basically, I’m convinced Darcy isn’t very experienced, if at all, and will be learning with Elizabeth. But he does have a lot of theoretical knowledge which he’s paid careful attention to and is eager to apply.

[pearl-tarotist]

ꕥღ What fanfic trope do your fs and you resemble?ღꕥ

As the first PAC of my collection "cliche moments with your fs", this tarot reading tries to tag the dynamic of your relationship with your fs in a fanfic trope.

P1-P2-P3:

PILE 1: "Sometimes I lay in bed at night just saying your name"

Insecure love interest x Successful lover

The dynamic between your fs and you feels protective and encouraging. But it seems that one of you, even if you are successful and productive, does not feel good enough to be in a relationship with the love interest. I see cute and beautiful interactions at the beginning of your relationship, where the insecure part blushes and hugs themselves in a protective way, while the other part is just happy to be able to interact with them, their eyes shining and body leaning towards the other in interest. The more secure person is truly successful with the magician's energy. This connection really makes sense if it is interpreted in an "office scenario" where the more extroverted part is doing a good job in a more visible department while the other is busy with the internal operations of the company. The extroverted part is always smiling for the other, but it seems that their romantic signals and flirting goes unnoticed by the insecure one, nevertheless, they just keep trying and scheming to interact with the "insecure" person in a way that seems unplanned, even when they are really planning it so the interactions seem natural and do not scare the other. Once the outgoing person understands that their romantic interest likes them but is keeping their distance to avoid damaging their reputation, they will increase their efforts to win them over. They will compliment and affectionate touch them for a time. Building up their love interest's self-esteem appears to be the initial step towards a stable relationship, so they will strive to accomplish this.

(5 of Gems - Ten of Shells - The Magician - Ace of Roses - Five of Shells)

Channeled messages:

Katniss Everden and Peeta Mellark: "You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know"

Edward x Bella in Twilight.

Bridget Jones!!

"Bridget: I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't. Mark: And can you think of three? Bridget: Yes. Mark: Which are? Bridget: First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin, my legs only come up to here, and yes, I will always be just a little bit fat."

PILE 2: "pieces of me exist in every person i've ever loved"

"Work team trope"

The start of this relationship has a purpose. Maybe it's because of your job. It seems you both spend time together to achieve an objective. It may be due to work, a college project, a competition or debate... Both of you would be interested in achieving a common goal. It appears that for this aim, the both of you ought to work together and express your ideas, visions, and intentions for the project. This love is honest and gradual. It will occur without any of you noticing. For instance, one day you may go to work and notice that they appear more attractive than usual or that their smile is lovely. You will get used to each other's presence without even realizing it. And when that person is no longer around, you will notice their absence greatly! You will miss each other so much that it will drive you both crazy. You'll wonder why you feel this way. It's a strange but warm feeling in your chest. When you collaborate with them, you'll start to stutter, blush, and get nervous in their presence mid-collaboration! I can also imagine some of you working in a laboratory or hospital - somewhere bright and very clean. This project will be a triumph that warrants some revelry! You will realize that you are a great team and are likely to continue working together on other topics.

(King of Shells - Ace of Wings - 3 of Shells - 7 of Shells)

Channelled messages:

(500) Days of summer

The office (Pam and Jim)

The fault in our starts: “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

PILE 3: "you are such a soft and messy thing"

"Love at first sight x long-distance relationship"

In a trip, in a foreign land, you meet someone so beautiful in your eyes that you are convencied that they are your soulmate. You start to develop these unlogical feelings of posesiveness every time you see them with another person and you try to keep the same behaviour even if your feelings are not. You wait for a sign as the days go by, while you need to return to your country. You are unsure whether you should express your feelings towards someone you have recently met. You have and want the "perfect life" and this just feels like an obstacle to achieve it. Regardless, on the day before departing, you express your emotions to the other individual and initiate a relationship with them, even if it requires sacrificing some aspects of your life. The other person shares your feelings, but they did not want to stop your development in other aspects of your life such as work or college, that's why they did not declare. You both form a relationship, sometime, long-distance or in-person, and take the time to get to know each other and the cultures you each belong to.

Channelled messages:

Romeo and Juliet

Mamma Mia

[darcytaylor]

Nicola’s message is a reality check that everyone should listen to. We can - and need to - do better. (Harper Bazaar Woman of the Year Awards)

For a while now, I’ve been saying here on my blog: speculation is not fact. We don’t - and never will - know the ins and outs of anyone’s private life, especially when it comes to someone like Nicola Coughlan. Yet so many people see her holding hands with someone and jump to conclusions, acting like they’re gospel truth. Can we please take a moment to think about why holding hands with a guy is somehow “evidence” of a relationship, but when she holds hands with female friends, no one bats an eye? (and no this is not where I want you to go into detail about all of your reasonings why she is dating someone, the point is WE DON'T KNOW - because we don't actually know her! And if someone says otherwise, they are lying!)

Even if Nicola is in a relationship, let’s remember that we don’t actually know anything about it, which is exactly how it should be. And for those hinting about pregnancy, even if they’re trying to be subtle with terms like “delicate position” - it’s beyond invasive, and it’s honestly FUCKED UP! People know exactly what you're suggesting, and Nicola called that behaviour out directly in her speech. If you’re focusing on her body rather than her work, you’re part of the problem. (You can read my pinned post where I go into more detail why speculating on pregnancy is fucked)

If Nicola doesn't like the way the media is portraying her, it's unlikely she would appreciate fans doing the same thing. Sometimes, people try to justify their actions by separating the media from fan behaviour, but the impact on her is the same. We need to remember that our assumptions, even if you think they are innocent, can be damaging.

What fans talk about often drives what the media focuses on, because they’re chasing clicks. If people weren’t feeding into it, the media wouldn’t have as much to go off.

What the fans talk about and what the media produces, go hand-in-hand, and ignoring that is a big part of the problem. Trying to justify it doesn’t change the fact that it can still affect Nicola - especially if she’s made it clear she’s uncomfortable and hates these narratives.

Nicola’s speech was a call out to reconsider how people engage with her personal life. I know I’ve been working on doing better, and I think everyone else in this fandom could stand to do the same. Instead of spinning theories about her relationships or appearance, maybe we could all step back, respect her boundaries, and celebrate her for what she wants to be recognized for: her achievements and her talent. Let's try not to make her whole personality about a guy.

Nicola took a stand on the insane focus on things like her relationship status, age, or dress size - topics that constantly overshadow her career and accomplishments. You can tell it's exhausting for her to be boxed into these labels, and she deserves better.

One of the best parts of her speech last night, for me, was when she praised her longtime inspiration, Victoria Beckham, who was right there in the audience. Nicola talked about how much Victoria meant to her growing up, especially for how she handled herself through nonstop scrutiny. Both women have had to deal with some of the same pressures -where fans and the media feel entitled to critique and dissect every aspect of their lives.

Nicola made it clear she’s tired of being defined by these things. People are more interested in latching onto rumours about her relationship status (even though we have zero confirmation of who she’s dating) or making guesses about her body, including potential pregnancy, all because of how she looks on any given day. This rush to define her identity based on whether she’s seen with someone or holding hands? It’s reductive and invasive.

Honestly, Nicola’s message is a reality check that everyone should listen to. We can - and need to - do better.

To the bigger creators: you especially have to do better because I can see some of you fuelling everything that Nicola hates. (I actually don’t think it’s the people who ship Luke and Nicola because that is part of her job, that is part of Bridgerton and her work, it’s a testament to how good of a job both her and Luke did, Nicola understands that). But the people who are shipping her with people outside of her work? DO BETTER!

And yes, I am also putting myself in the category of doing better. I think it’s imperative to look at past behaviours and strive to do better and be better.

EDIT: THIS PICTURE IS GORGEOUS! The flowers, the lighting, the vibe. It's perfect!

[sirfrogsworth]

Stephen Shore is a famous photographer most noted for his work in the 1970s.

He is now an old man.

And sadly, he just yelled at a cloud.

As he was giving his lecture to a Chinese audience, he noticed many people on their phones. And he paused his lecture and said the following...

"Just before you ask that question – I’m gonna say something, and I apologize in advance because it’s gonna be rude. But it’s something [that’s been] on my mind as I experience the modern world. Since we’re talking about attention, I think we understand each other. And I think you understand the value of attending to daily life. I saw at least a dozen of you who spent the entire lecture looking at your phones. You’ve come here. You come here to hear a talk and you can’t even pay attention to who you’ve come to listen to. How can you pay attention to the food you eat, or the feel of the sun on your skin?"

He then walked off before finishing the lecture he agreed to.

But his audience wasn't actually distracted by their phones...

They were taking notes.

And I guess he wasn't used to having such a studious audience. He didn't even consider cultural differences or even people needing to translate things.

Personally, I'd see note-taking as a sign of respect, but I suppose he had no way of knowing what they were using their phones for.

Eventually he was told the audience was taking notes. He said he "felt better" about the situation. And that is where I feel he lost me. He didn't apologize. He didn't agree to redo the lecture. He just attended to his own feelings about the situation and didn't consider the audience that clearly wanted to learn from him.

Personally, I have a hard time connecting with Stephen's work.

And his portraits are all very... deer in headlights.

He just kinda blasts people in the face with a flash.

I think the only thing that saves these photos is the unfamiliar era and being shot on film.

I think the idea is to find beauty and art in the mundane. But I just see the mundane.

Though, plenty of people have trouble with my product photography for similar reasons. I love sculpting with light. I like seeing if I can take a jar of hair gel or nail clippers and make them beautiful and interesting just with fancy lighting. But so many people say it looks fake or like soulless CGI.

So maybe I don't have any room to speak about these mundane photos.

I guess it is the "craft vs art" spectrum.

There are people that only do technical photography. Like those Amazon product shots on white backgrounds. There is archival photography, archeological photography, and forensic photography. Private investigators use some very advanced telephoto techniques usually reserved for artistic bird photography to capture cheating partners.

There is no limit to how advanced and technical photography can get and often artistic intent is not involved.

But there are also purely artistic photographers that only learn the bare minimum to accomplish their aesthetic goals and just lean into the artistic message over the technical quality of the actual photos.

Like a guitarist only learning power chords.

Some photographers will even brag about how non-technical they are and wear it as a badge of honor—as if that makes them more authentic. They act like they are above learning that techie mumbo jumbo. Or they will claim they are too old to learn it.

Annie Leibovitz barely knows how modern cameras work. All of the lights are set for her. She has another photographer take test photos and once he has dialed in all of the settings, he hands her the camera and she presses the button. She knew her shit back in the days of film but she is more of an art director nowadays. I don't know if I could do what she does. I think she is still quite artistically skilled and often gets good results. But I just don't care for her attitude that she can't learn new things. As I get older I try very hard to make sure I don't fall into that mentality.

On the flip side, Ansel Adams built custom dark rooms with special equipment that he basically invented to help him develop or "photoshop" his film photography. He learned every technical detail that could fit in his brain so he could use it to elevate his photography.

But he also realized that you could be both technical and artistic. He blended art and craft so brilliantly and I think that is my sweet spot. When people take the time to figure out both aspects and don't lean too far one way or the other on that spectrum.

I just have trouble connecting with photography that is all art and no craft. I like seeing the effort and skill along with the beauty and vision. I like when someone does something I cannot yet do and gives me something to strive for in my own art. I like when photographers push their tools to do more interesting and creative things.

Richard Avedon was a famous photographer during the same era as Stephen Shore. And when I see his photos it tickles the "I love this" part of my brain.

[ See image descriptions and more of his work here ]

Not all of his work was very technical. He did a mix of studio work and candid portraiture. One of those photos is blurry and I still love it. But you can see the skill in every photo. The effort and experience and technical knowledge blended with the artistic intuition. He took photos of celebrities and just folks in the street. He also did photojournalism in mental hospitals.

I just find that a lot more compelling than a plant in the corner.

However, intellectually, I understand the plant in the corner is important. We cannot gatekeep art and put requirements on how it is created. My brain just has trouble appreciating that type of photography. Though I can imagine why someone would find it appealing.

That said, I'd definitely attend one of Stephen's lectures. And I guess I'd be sure to bring a notepad instead of a phone.

[owliellder]

The Finer Details

Post DI! Leon Kennedy x f! Painter Reader

MDNI 18+

(Session 1, Session 2, Session 3, Session 4, Session 5, The Reveal)

Description: Leon realizes that retirement is in his best interest now that he's getting older. All of his accomplishments as an agent mean he's truly earned a painting to commemorate..

Warnings: Not Proofread, Age gap! (reader is anywhere between mid-late 20's and Leon is 40), Porn w/ Plot, Use of she/her pronouns, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alcoholism, mentions of trauma/PTSD/depression, P in V smut (wrap it NEOW), Leon cries during sex 💔

Tags: Older Leon Kennedy, Younger afab!Reader, Leon is SAD but he is your muse, Crying, mentions of Leon masturbating, starts off with Dom! Leon and Sub! Reader, falls into switch territory because that man needs some serious TLC, Praise kink, Hickeys, Handjob, Nipple play, Oral sex (m! and f! receiving), and a heavy dose of Aftercare

Author Note: I wanna say there's some pretty descriptive talk about depression in this chapter, just as a heads up. Anyways, it's my weekend and I'm going to be absolutely zooted every single day so the next chapter will most likely be out Monday morning PST lol.

Cross-posted on AO3

Session 3: Blocking In Color

It was nearly three weeks until you saw Leon again.

You tried to call him a couple days after he'd left that day, a few more times over the following week, but to no avail. The man was unreachable.

Even though you did your best to convince yourself that you just wanted to get his painting started, "It was an important one", you knew that you were really just worried about him.

You've seen this kind of dismay with the other retired agents that've had a portrait painted in the past, but they at least recognized what they'd been through.

Leon hasn't. You could just tell.

Looking over the sketches you made of his face, you couldn't help but wonder what exactly he'd been thinking about the last time he was here. He seemed so bothered, acting like he was hiding it so well, too.

Then again, you did drop a rather large bombshell on the guy while he was in a pretty vulnerable state, but you thought he knew what the portrait he was going to receive was suppose to mean. Again, most of the retired agents you'd seen were similar to Leon in that regard and even they at least had a basic grasp on the finality of it all. So why didn't he?

You nursed your bottom lip, still staring at the sketches laying in front of you while you sat at one of your desks in the corner. You normally don't come to your workspace unless you're actively painting, yet you'd shown up everyday in hopes Leon would randomly pop in. He seemed like the kind of guy to just kind of show up, anyways...

If you had just gotten a picture that day you've could've at least started working out the positioning for his portrait. Unfortunately, he wasn't in any position mentally to put up with anymore of your shenanigans at the time, it seemed.

You really did try your best to get ahold of Leon, eventually giving up a few days ago. You'd already emailed the President, who had been the one to personally commission you unlike with previous ex-agents, letting him know that it's going to be longer than expected. Thankfully he was understanding, knowing rather well how much the whole retirement thing was weighing on Leon.

You'll come back tomorrow and try again. Even the next day, and the day after that if you have to, and so on and so forth.

Guilty. That's all Leon felt right now.

He's been shelled up in his house since the moment he got home after leaving your building, withering away by the minute.

He hadn't showered, barely eaten, only ever really pulling himself from what little comfort his room offered to grab whatever bottle he touched first in the cabinet. Leon didn't care, just as long as it was something.

Chris had been over a couple times after he stopped responding to his messages, doing his best to get him out of the house. Claire had been over a few times more than her brother had, bringing groceries once she'd heard about the sad state Leon was keeping himself in.

It broke both their hearts, but they could only do so much for him. Leon was stubborn, head strong, he wasn't the kind to sway to many forces. He had somehow gaslit himself into thinking he was doing well. "Just peachy", even.

Clearly that wasn't the case, both Chris and Claire could see that. They'd have to be blind not to.

Having been in contact with Leon's government-assigned therapist, Chris tried to set up an at-home meeting for him one day. That turned out to be a disaster seeing as Leon was bordering on blackout drunk and could barely keep his eyes open. Not to mention the vomiting.

Claire even tried to bathe Leon. She only got far enough to wash his hair in his kitchen sink, using his vomit-covered mouth as an excuse to keep him over the sink long enough to shampoo his greasy, stringy hair.

All of it was weighing on him too much. He felt so guilty for making his friends feel like they had to babysit him, ignoring everyone's calls and messages, your calls and messages. That kind of thought process quickly spiraled into him reliving the worst days of his life, having to through suffer so many flashbacks and nightmares, not sleeping because of it. He rarely ever felt safe enough to get under the covers on his bed.

None of this is what he wanted. If it were up to him, he'd start all over; be twenty-one again, work as a cop, maybe get promoted a few times, find a girlfriend, start a family, have a normal life. Why couldn't he have that?

Staying awake night after night, Leon would stare at the ceiling in his bedroom and fantasize about the wonderful life he could've had, the happy memories he could've made. It would make him weep, longing for something that never could've been.

Instead, Leon was stuck with endless images of horror, death, and gore every time he blinked, and oh was he bitter about it all. So bitter, so angry, so...

Feeling sorry for himself was all he could do now. Sure, he killed all those monsters and zombies, saved all those people, not once did he think about himself through the years. Now he had all the time in the world to question and wonder, and having to think about himself and what he wanted most made him feel like a needy, greedy bastard.

But wasn't he allowed to be greedy, if only just a little? He had wants, needs, and though he wanted so desperately to change his past, he knew he couldn't. So, what did he want now? That, he didn't know.

Guilty for feeling this way, guilty for wanting different, guilty for wanting anything good for himself.

It took the better part of those two weeks for Leon to finally muster up some form of energy to stumble into his bathroom and shower one afternoon, dizzy and nauseous. The light emanating from the rest of his house was blinding, not having even bothered to close the shades he had on any of his windows. His room was kept a cave and that's where he stayed.

Leon now found himself sitting down in the shower just like before he'd decided to retire, only this time it was mostly to keep from slipping and dying. The last thing he needed anyone to see was him naked and dead in the shower. Embarrassing.

His thoughts at the moment were shallow, still pretty drunk from his bender, head lulling back and forth a bit as his vision spun. He was finally hungry again, the heat from the shower making that all the more obvious as he grew lightheaded, but he didn't know what he wanted.

After managing to actually crawl his way out of the shower, he dug through the pile of dirty laundry at the end of his bed, finding a pair of boxers that didn't smell too terrible to put on.

Leon used the wall heavily for support to walk out into his kitchen, muttering curses under his breath at just how bright it was. Opening his freezer, he stared at the meal prep containers left by Claire, grabbing one to attempt and read what she'd wrote on the sticky note attached to the lid.

That's right... She made him little meals, even putting them in the freezer so they didn't go bad as fast. All he had to do was put it in the microwave.

Simple enough, he could do that.

The one he chose was meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Just the sound of it had his stomach rumbling and his mind craving the comforting taste of a home cooked meal.

The first few bites in made Leon feel nauseous again, but once those bites hit his stomach the feeling immediately gave way to just how hungry he actually was.

He tried to pace himself, he really did try, yet he managed to devour the food in front of him in a matter of minutes, only pausing every few seconds to breathe. It felt so good, something warm in his stomach. Filling in all the right ways. Once he finished, he pushed the empty container away and just laid his head down sideways on the cool countertop, closing his eyes as he let the food settle.

As much as he wanted to degrade himself for acting this way, reducing himself to such a weird and pathetic state, Leon didn't have the mind to. All he knew right now was that the warmth that the meal Claire made him. Not to sound cliche, but he genuinely believed he could taste the love cooked into it.

For the first time in what was now two and a half weeks, Leon was awake and alert when Chris and Claire came over again. He'd eaten everything Claire made, holding all the now cleaned containers out to her. It was a silent plea for more, and lucky for Leon, she had just made another grocery trip for him.

Unbeknownst to him, Claire had been cooking here at his house. This entire time he thought she'd been bringing the meals over, assumed to be leftovers from cooking for her family. She did confess to hoping the smell of the food cooking would pull him from his room. It didn't, much to her dismay, but now she was just glad he was up and eating again.

As soon as Leon tried to apologize for dragging her away from her family, she was quick to shut him down with that mom stare she'd developed after having her kids. It worked, especially on him.

Chris was busy chatting up Leon while Claire cooked him another set of meals for the next week. It was hard to converse, but Leon did manage to nod and him as the other man talked about some random encounter he had the other day while out driving.

It was strange to feel so lively again. Those thoughts still clung to the back of his mind, though all he could focus on were his friends taking care of him like one of their own. Leon feels like he's been a terrible friend lately, seems as though the siblings standing in his kitchen didn't feel the same. He wasn't showing it, but Leon was definitely holding back a smile.

A couple hours had past, Chris opting to stay with Leon and eat lunch since Claire had to head back and help her husband with something.

The hug Claire gave Leon was phenomenal. After the hug he shared with you he's been craving that physical contact more than ever, so finally getting another good squeeze from a friend was boosting his mood.

Chris and him sat, ate, and talked about whatever came to mind, eventually asking about you.

"How's the painting coming along? Do you like the painter?" He smiled, looking at Leon with wide, curious eyes. That man always had a smile gracing his features.

Leon shrugged, taking a sip from the water he poured himself not too long ago. He was pretty dehydrated after solely drinking alcohol for the past couple weeks. "She's alright. Haven't started the painting yet."

Chris raised an eyebrow, placing his arms on the counter and crossed them as he leaned forward slightly. "Just 'alright'?" he emphasized the word "alright" with air quotes, which caused Leon to scoff.

"What else do you want me to say? I've seen her twice so far and its been fine." Leon lifted his hands up in confusion, palms facing the ceiling as he watched the man sitting next to him rolled his eyes dramatically. "C'mon, she was amazing for Claire and I- Okay, how about this..."

Chris repositioned himself so his entire upper body was facing him now, leaning in a little closer to ask another question. "Do you like the room she works in? Cause I thought it was pretty comfy. When she was focusing on Claire's part of the portrait, I took a nap over on that rug she had. All those pillows mixed with the classical music knocked me the fuck out."

He laughed, shaking his head at memory before looking over at Leon again. "So...? And don't lie to me, I saw that pillow on your couch."

Leon sucked on his teeth and hummed, glancing over his shoulder at his couch. "It's cozy, yeah." He brought his head back forward, patting his hands gently against the counter.

The two chatted for awhile longer before Chris eventually had to leave, giving Leon a firm pat on the shoulder while shaking him a bit. After he left, Leon was left to sit alone and think again, only difference now is he felt better. He was crazy tired, his social battery quickly drained from having his friends around, but he felt good nonetheless.

He wasn't ready at the time, yet after a sober night with solid sleep, Leon woke up the next morning and decided to just text you, hoping you weren't mad at him. Calling would've been too much at that moment, not even have listened to the voicemails you left, or anyone's, for that matter.

His chest felt tight after sending the text, but it was quickly eased about ten minutes later when you responded with nothing but enthusiasm. The smiley face you added at the end of your message made him smile, quickly wiping it away with his hand.

Your next session was arranged two days ahead of time in the late afternoon. Leon wanted to give himself enough time to recollect since he needed to look his best the following weeks. You told him it was time to start with the main painting, which you still needed a picture for.

During that time he finally shaved his stubble, went out and got his hair trimmed, tackled all the laundry he'd neglected, and got his best suit dry cleaned. All thoughts aside, he felt good and wanted to stay this way.

Needless to say, Leon was jittery when he pulled up to your workplace again. He was finally letting himself feel excited again about this painting. If it's anything close to what Chris and Claire's portrait is, then that excitement will only continue to grow the further along you get.

You were already there waiting for him at the door, a gentle smile on your face. That wonderful soft perfume that he missed reaching his nose once more as you lead him up the stairs and through the other door. Chris was right, if he had the opportunity, he'd take a nap on your rug. It looked mighty comfy.

Leon was thankful you didn't ask any questions on his whereabouts, he wasn't ready to talk. You were just as excited as he was about getting the painting started, if not more. Watching you eagerly move back and forth between the larger easel and your desks was a refreshing sight to the man.

You stood at your easel for a couple minutes, just silently looking from the blank canvas to where he was sat. You told him to get into a comfortable position, prompting him rest his right leg on his left knee, leaning back and to the side so he was sitting at a slight angle, arms resting on the chair's armrests.

You stared at him for a few seconds, tilting your head side to side with your eyes squinted. "Let me just-" you spoke in a hushed voice, walking over to Leon before cautiously reaching out to rest one hand on the underside on his chin while the other hovered over the side of his face.

You weren't an idiot, you knew what his absence was from. So you made sure to be careful with him, knowing he was probably still pretty fragile. Only gentle and cautious touches for Mr. Kennedy.

So close yet so far. His skin tingled in your hands wake, and god he hoped you couldn't notice his blush.

You could, but you wouldn't say anything. Besides, you weren't faring well yourself, hands a little shaky as you touched his face.

Leon just let you move his head to whatever position you wanted, his eyes now half-lidded as you had walked back a couple times to get just the right angle. You pulled away for a final time with a small "aha!" and he wished you would hold his head for just a little longer.

The floor where your easel sat was marked with an 'X' made with painter's tape, making it easy for you to stay in the right spot for the photo once you pushed the easel out of the way.

"Don't move." You held your hands up after analyzing his position, quickly hurrying over the corner opposite of your desks to grab a bulky camera that sat atop a tall tripod. You worked as fast as you could, knowing as long as you had a picture with him in this position then this whole process would go so much smoother.

You didn't even have to ask Leon to smile or look up at the camera since he was sitting there with a rather dopey smile, his eyes remaining trained right on yours. Nice and natural. He looked relaxed which is exactly what you wanted.

Just as a precaution, you took multiple pictures, giving him a thumbs up once you figured you'd gotten enough. His head back to rest on the chair at the okay, listening to the sound of you walk over to your laptop after untwisting the camera from the tripod. You printed out 3 copies of the photograph and taped one to a stand you had brought over to sit next to the easel, making sure it sat eye level to you.

The ball was finally rolling, now having what you needed to start with the main sketch. When Leon lifted his head up, he noticed that you were ready, sucking in a sharp breath through his nose while he shifted a little to get back in just the right position.

You twirled your pencil between your fingers before beginning to roughly sketch out the chair, eyebrows furrowing as you focused. Leon could see your expression, how intensely you zoned into your work. It was incredibly admirable and he found himself fully content in just watching you do your thing.

It didn't take long before you had sketched out his general shapes, now walking over to take the sketches you made of his face out of your sketchbook to clip up right next to the reference photo. The more finer details would be added later, but you wanted to get just the basic shapes of his face.

That didn't take long either, because before Leon knew it, you were telling him it was okay to talk. He was pretty animated with his hands when he talked, so you kept him quiet until now.

"Am I easy to draw?" Leon spoke with an almost sultry tone after a few seconds of you telling him he could speak. It threw you off only a bit, carding your fingers through your hair as you took one step back to look at what you had so far.

"I wanna say yes and no." You responded, catching his questioning look from the corner of your eye. "You're easy to sketch out, yes, but your hair is giving me trouble." You could hear a low chuckle rumble from his chest as you stepped back forward. "Hey, you asked." You laughed back.

"I know, I know." He shook his head with a poorly hidden grin, tilting his head down to try and hide it a little better. You immediately pointed your pencil at him, not taking your eyes off the canvas. "I said you could talk, not move." Your sarcastic tone made him chuckle again, slowly lifting his head back up with a sigh.

"Yes, ma'am." You could just hear the smirk in his words, causing you to let out a sigh of your own.

By the time the sun had started to set, you had blocked out all the simple colors for the painting. Right now, it just looked like a very bland and abstract painting. It'll come together, slowly but surely. Trust the process, as people say.

Leon was in awe already, having stood up to look at your progress as you washed your hands over in the small bathroom. Oil paints smeared something fierce and as much as you loved your job, you did not want feel oily at home.

"It already looks stunning." You heard the man say from where he stood in front of the easel. It wasn't quite registering in his brain that it was him on that canvas just yet, but hopefully soon it would.

He wanted to recognize himself in something as wonderful as your art.

[faeries-child]

Pale wings, grey words

Cassian x reader (illyrian/winged reader)

Warnings: Blood, violence, dark-thoughts, fighting. Minors get out of here.

Summary: On their mission Cassian and Azriel arrive just in the right time to find you.

(keep in mind that I have not yet double checked the text for errors and mistakes, I write these at the middle of the night)

Cassian's POV

Cassian was tired. Really tired, for all he right now wanted to do was: get drunk and sleep for a week. He and Azriel had been on the mission for weeks now. Flying from Illyrian camp to another, again and again and again. Of course both of them had taken this mission voluntarily, for Rhys had had concerns with some more remote Illyrian camps. These particular camps had shown suspicious activity and signs of relapsing back to their old ways. Rhysand had not originally been planning to send them, but recently Cassian had felt the need to take action for the things his people had done. For all the development he, Rhys and Azriel had accomplished in Illyria, Cassian could not have that go to waste. 

So while Rhys was busy handling affairs at the night court, Azriel decided to accompany him, if not little for the reason that he would have a chance to punish people who hurt others like he was once hurt. 

They had been flying for ages now, and Cassian was starting to feel it in his back muscles. Only trees and snow everywhere he looked. And it was freaking cold too. Not that he wasn’t used to it, he had grown like this actually but he still didn’t enjoy it. 

“It’s not a long flight anymore” The spymaster said. 

Cassian could see that Azriel too could use a break. Both males were covered in dirt that had slowly been building on their clothes for weeks. Shadowsinger had dark circles under his eyes for all the work that it required to use his shadows constantly, to stay alarmed at all the hours of the day. It was taking a toll on them both. 

However, before them now opened one of their last camps to visit. This particular camp was also one of the most remote and far away from Velaris. These mindless grunts didn’t like when the inner circle meddled with their affairs. Hell, they didn’t even like when other Illyrian camps had something to say about their business. 

Even so they still had not rebelled against their High Lord, yet. That’s why it was so important for them to keep tabs on the camp and if they were secretly planning a rebellion. It was however unlikely, because the Illyrians in this camp had no interest in expanding their territory, for they already held a big part of the northern sea border. 

It was especially cold this time of the year. The General and his brother landed right in the middle of the village, so no one could have missed their big entrance. Most of the Illyrians just watched them for a moment, then they returned to their duties, training across training fields, repairing houses and everything else. Even if they didn’t show it by their actions, Cassian could feel how the atmosphere tightened. 

“General, what a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t received any messages of you arrival”

Cassian and Azriel turned around, behind them a male, looking to be in his fifties but surely he was way older, standing now before them. His name was Alias, if Cassian could recall correctly. In their files he was marked as one of the ones who didn’t really mind Amaranthas actions, and weren’t exactly thrilled when their high lord broke free from under the mountain. 

“We didn’t send any. We are here to do a mandatory check up commanded by your high lord.” said Azriel in his usual cold tone reserved for people he didn’t stand. “But first show us inside, the flight was boringly long and we should sit down to talk business” 

Alias swallowed once, trying to keep calm. He clearly had problems accepting the way the spymaster was speaking to him. 

“Right this way”

Y/N / oc pov:

“SHIT, shit shit!” you cursed seeing the patch of red on your sleeping mat. You knew that it would  have come eventually but you had really hoped that maybe fate would have been on your side and you would never have started bleeding. 

You knew that as soon as you would set a foot out of your tent, you would be theirs. New laws or no, you were a bastard, lowest of low and a freak. Total true freak. For when you were born they said that your mother was so scared of you that she had buried you in the snow, trying to save her own life, for when they would find out what you were they would kill her for bearing you. 

But you had cried so hard and loudly that they had found you and seeing what your mother had brought to the world, they killed her on the spot. 

And for you, killing a babe would have brought too much attention to the camp, so as soon as you were able to walk and somehow talk, they threw you with the other bastards. Only a tent and one set of clothes with you. And as a female, you were surprised that you had survived even this long.

But for why you were a freak, why your mother had died because of you, the reason was your wings. Not midnight black, but white. Pure white with no specks of  black. Your hair was also white, only a couple black strands falling down here and there. That was the reason, enough reason for them to close you out, spit at you and curse at you for just looking at their way. 

They hated anything that was not like them, did not look like them. And the fact that you were female made it all so much worse. 

You didn’t know why you were like this. Was it your father that you had inherited your features from, it could be because you did not know who he was. Or was it just some mistake in your genes that happened in the womb. You did not know. 

But the blood on your thin sleeping mat made everything a hundred times worse. You had been starving yourself, working to no end and trying every trick in the book to delay this. But in the end nature had taken its course now in your nineteenth year of living. 

You also had no idea what would happen next, whether they would just plainly kill you to stop you from procreating and birthing another like you, or whether they would first take turns on you to test their sadistic theories of you and then kill you. One thing however was sure, they were going to take your wings.  

Maybe you could escape, if you really just tried. If you were gonna die either way, might as well try, right? In panic you began to dress yourself with the warmest of clothes and rags you had been able to collect over the years. You had no valuables that would be worth taking with you, so you just clothed yourself and silently exited your tent.

It was still early morning and the sun had barely risen to greet the snowy trees. Escaping would probably be a mistake, since it was dead winter, and taking your camp's location into consideration it would take hours, possibly a day to reach something, anything really. But it would be worth it to try. 

As silently as you could, you left the tent area and headed into the forest. When you had reached the area where the camp area ended, you started running as fast as you could. You knew that flying would gather you more attention than you wanted. 

couple hours later: 

You had been running for some hours now, your legs were hurting and you were starting to truly tire out. You needed to stop and take a breath but you knew that by now they were after you. 

In the corner of your eye  you could notice something in the bushes now behind you. Could they truly have gaught up with you so quickly. You didn’t think they would be that fast. Could this truly be your end? 

This was the moment they caught you. You heard a big noise and an illyrian male soldier landed right before you, only a few feet from you. You didn’t know him, but you had seen him in your camp and knew that he was one of the males that still kept females as no more than means of breeding. 

It was so hard to breathe. You only wanted to live, but male before you and the one now behind you were making the odds very few. As your last move you tried to charge toward the empty space to your right but the male was fast to catch you and take hold of you from the base of your wing, which hurt, terribly. 

“And look what we have here” was the only thing that you heard before you fainted from the pain now emitting from the back of your head. 

Cassian’s pov: 

The meeting had been tiring and to no surprise to them, they had discovered that the female’s of the camp had not been trained since their last visit. Which was ages ago. At least they claimed that no wing clipping was happening but Azriel had convinced them to stay, as he was heavily suspecting Alias was lying. 

He and Azriel stepped out of the cottage, Alias trailing behind them. Everyone in the camp had woken up, females doing chores and males fighting in the rings, or that was what Cassian had expected to see when he looked at the camp before him. But what he saw, had his siphons glowing in an instance and he could feel how Azriel’s shadows riled up in a less than a second. 

The sight before them was not pretty. Illyrians of the camp had gathered around one of the fighting rings in the middle of the camp. And in the middle, were a young female, her hands tied to a wooden pole and her back and wings exposed. 

And the worst of all, now there were red lines, wounds across her back. There were several of them, some of them on her wings. Her wings. Cassian did not know how he had not seen it. The color of them. White, nothing like he had ever seen before. White, like the snow around them.

He just stared at her. Unable to do anything else, for even though he couldn’t see the female's face, he was captivated. He could hear Azriel’s words, trying to bring him back to this moment. 

“Cassian!” Azriel slapped him in the shoulder. 

He came to his senses and without realizing, moved. He knew that he had to put an end to this right now, before me damage could be caused to the female. He just really hoped that it wouldn’t already be too late. 

Using his wings, Cassian bolted to the people gathered around the female. He moved through them and before one more lashing of the whip could land on the female, the general commander of the night court moved between the girl and the man holding the whip, stopping its lash by grasping it mid-air with his bare hands.

Cassian pulled and the male holding the whip stumbled forward. At the same time Azriel reached them, glaring at the onlookers who did nothing to stop this from happening. 

Cassian looked at the male before him, rage clouding his vision. Men like him were the reason the spymaster and him were sent to this mission. Oh, how much Cassian wanted to kill the brute before him, he didn’t even know why he was so angered. He’d met hundreds of men like him, but for an inexplicable reason Cassian wanted especially to drive his sword through this man's heart. He didn’t have the chance however, for Azriel had already thrown the man completely to the ground, now holding his leg over his head. 

“Who gave you the order to do this?!” The general yelled to the man. 

However the man said nothing, now just whimpering beneath the spymaster’s boot. But Cassian could also hear another voice, behind him he heard a crying voice, breathing heavily. He now remembered the female behind him and cursed himself that he hadn’t realized to untie her the moment he had the chance. Cassian turned and lowered himself toward the female, her head was hung low and her hands were tied to a post. He could not see her face, for it was covered by the long white hair that was now dirty and stained with blood. 

“I will free you now, okay?” he told her, speaking as softly as he could. Reaching for the ropes that kept her hands tied. Hearing his words, the female raised her head quickly and turned to look at him, staring in his eyes. From the look in her eyes Cassian could tell that the female had been somewhere very far away, running from the pain and approaching doom. So far away that she probably hadn’t even noticed that he had intervened. 

Her eyes were like any of the other Illyrians, something between brown and gold. But the look in them, it was striking. Like she was watching right into his soul, but the expression on her face was hatred, fear and pain. Cassian could not help staring into her eyes, like he was possessed. 

He freed the woman's hands, and then caught her as she began falling to the ground. Trying not to touch her wings, he could only imagine the pain she was in. Looking at the pale wings he knew that they needed a healer, fast if she wanted to have full usage of them ever again. Cassian raised his head from the girl, looking before him, for now Alias was standing many feet from Azriel looking furious. 

Trying to conceal his rage Alias spoke to them: “General, take no mind in her. She’s a traitor, her punishment is fit to her crimes. Let my men handle her.” Now Azriel too was seeing red. Both of them could notice that the girl was young, starved to the point that one could clearly see her collarbones and the hollowing of her cheeks. This girl could not have done anything that could have earned her the punishment she was given. 

“Tell me Alias, and what exactly is her sin?” Now it was Azriel speaking, unsheathing his sword and raising it toward Alias. 

“She ran away. And by law I have a duty to punish those that try to flee and sell information to our enemies”

Cassian glanced at the girl. It would be more difficult to get her out if this was indeed true and she did run away. Their laws were strict and Cassian would be at disadvantage if that was the case. “Is this true?” he spoke to her. 

The girl had not taken her eyes away from him for a minute, but now on her face there was no hatred or disgust, but only fear. She looked utterly terrified. 

“They…they were going-” she rasped out to him. Bits of blood now falling from her mouth and lips that she must have been biting to bear the pain. “They- were going to take my wings” she got out. 

And that was the only thing that the general commander of the night court and the spymaster needed. Enough reason to damn Alias for a crime. Cassian wanted to rid his head of his shoulder at that instant, but he also knew that he would have to be questioned and then sentenced by their high lord, if they wanted to avoid possible uprising. 

Azriel’s shadows were already taking grasp of Alias’ hands and then hiding him completely in the depth of those shadows. He would be delivered to the court of nightmares, where he would answer for his crimes. 

Cassian felt the female going limp in his arms. And finally realizing truly how much blood there was staining the ground around them. “Azriel, we need a healer, fast!” 

(This is not my greatest work, but I'll maybe make a part two if I feel like it :,) )

[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: message from your past lover/crush

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: message from your future spouse/partner

return to the masterlist of pap/pac posts

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pile 1

you two couldn't be together because the universe was testing you both as to whether or not you were ready for a new level of relationship. the universe wanted to see if you could break old patterns - i sense that you both accomplished this test. now it is up to you both to make peace with your past relationships, so you can continue to welcome new energy into your romantic lives. if you are wondering why this person couldn't be here, it was because you both had different visions for the future. their's wasn't a shared common plan or even a solid foundation to keep you together through this part of life.

what they want to let you know is that they were too worried about status and reaching milestones (in life and romantically) to even try and slow down to enjoy a connection with you. they couldn't be in the moment and simply enjoy life - they were too in their head and they are sorry about it. they hope that you find the right relationship at the right time - just be patient and continue to take care of yourself.

staying together or trying to be together would have lead to delusions. things would not have been as they appeared. at first, things would have been too good to be true and quickly you would have learned why. rapid movement often leads to the fizzling out of emotions... too much good leads to a boring connection for a majority of people - you need some conflict to keep the connection interesting and evolving.

i feel like your unrealistic expectation for them was that they were ready to settle down and establish themselves. they weren't. you wanted them to be ready, and you were determined to believe that they were when they weren't. they weren't ready to be with you, you just wanted them to be ready.

its good you aren't together because someone exciting is going to be entering your life, perhaps via a friend. put yourself out there - participate in activities. you might meet them on a vacation, if that is coming up for you. be open to people who you wouldn't typically think of because you assume they will be temporary or that you would assume it would only amount to a fling with them.

what you learned from them was how to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe won't steer you wrong long term. you know now that you can't fear the unknown - everything is just lessons that are meant to expand your consciousness and present you with opportunities. everything that happens to you in the romantic sense is just a part of your personal and spiritual evolution.

the deck says that in 8 weeks or the fall is when you will be ready for the next chapter.

pile 2

you can't be together and you know exactly why. you are confident in yourself and you know your worth. you are worth much more than you were receiving. so it is time that you put yourself out there to meet new people - don't be afraid to show your vulnerability with new people. you need to be open about what you perviously experienced so that you can avoid repeated lessons and reasons for breakups. you latest crush/relationship was tore about you because they were intimidated by your intelligence and your effectiveness in communication was too much for them. they weren't mature enough to match your energy, so they likely ghosted you.

something they never got to say to you was that you shouldn't be as sure as you are. a person is never done learning. you might have came across as cocky and unwilling to understand their perception. there is something to learn in every situation and from every perspective - you just need to be open to do so.

if you tried to make the connection work, you would have lost your spunk. eventually, you would have found yourself incapable of being able to fully express yourself. you would have been incapable of finding joy, playing around, and even be present - you would have become too stoic and wrapped up in your unhappiness and incapable of having fun and laughing.

your unrealistic expectation was that you would never argue or have conflict with them - all relationships have conflict where both sides are heard. it is more about how you manage yourself than it is the fight itself. it helps you to evolve and learn each others triggers - to not fight is to remain ignorant of each other issues, triggers, etc. you want to have a relationship that grows and blossoms, then be open to arguments.

it's for the best that you aren't together because the connection moved too quickly. you both let your excitement of what could happen cloud the reality of the situation. i also sense that they were not just being pursued by you - they had several people's interest.

what you can learn from this experience is that a situation can change at any moment in time, so enjoy it while it lasts. let go of what out stays its welcome - whether it is behavior that is not right or dating patterns. you need to make space for new possibilities when your situation is starting to feel stale.

the deck says that in 5 days (or rather you should have been ready 5 days ago during the aquarius new moon when i was writing/editing this) or spring is when you will be ready for the next chapter.

pile 3

you couldn't be together because there was an imbalance in the connection. I sense that someone was a bit too codependent in this connection. they relied too heavily on their partner to fulfill their needs and had unrealistic expectation for the relationship. in order for any connection to world you have to be able to find your own happiness without depending on another person to provide you with this happiness you seek. someone was too greedy in this connection and someone was too hard on themselves because they tried to make the connection work for a very long time and it just wasn't working. someone cared about how they appeared together more than the other person did - perhaps they were a bit too self-centered. someone still needs to work on their generosity.

something they never got to say to you was that they love you. they truly loved you - they weren't ready to say it at the time but it is true. they really do wish you well. they hope you are happier now than you were with them. they hope you are out somewhere having fun and doing what you have always dreamed to. they also kind of hope that maybe someday you will reconnect with them and if it can't be romantic than at least you can be friends with one another.

this is a connection that had it coming; it just had to end. you both were not ready. you were in two very different places in life and two very different states of mind. you weren't ready for the connection to be what it was. you were both clinging to each other for a very different reason thus it had to end. it is okay they you don't reach out to them. hell it is okay, if you don't reach out to them for a long long time. they love you. they just know that you both need to start fresh and see what else is out there.

your unrealistic expectation of them was that your disputes/disagreements would move to some sort of resolution. you are both very different people and very different people have very different manners of dealing with things. you wanted to move forward and they didn't want to. you might have been an agree to disagree person, while they wanted you to see things from their point of view. one side was always unheard in the connection and it just strained the connection. there was no moving on - to expect that you could was silly in their eyes. perhaps one of your arguments crossed a line you weren't fully aware existed.

it's for the best that you aren't together because someone felt hesitant about taking action and moving forward with the relationship. you should never have to think about whether or not you want to be with someone - the second you have to wait for a moment and think means that you should be on your own to contemplate romantic partnership in general. there was a fear about timing and being out of the comfort zone that each of you knew romantically. passion alone is often not enough when it comes to a partnership.

what you can learn from this experience is that there is a disconnection between you and the other person in most of your relationships. it is okay to admit that too. perhaps you are someone who has a lot of faith that things will just work or one day they will be ready or one day they will commit. it is okay to have faith, but again, if you aren't connecting and hearing what the person is saying (for example, maybe they did tell you they weren't interested in committing to a relationship) then perhaps that is something to reflect on. don't give up - your partner is out there. in the meantime, listen to what others are saying and trust that they mean what they say. it is okay if the truth hurts - you have the power to heal.

the deck says that in 4 months or summer is when you will be ready for the next chapter or to reconnection with this person like I said earlier.

[linkemon]

Too late (Runaan x Reader)

Friendly reminder that English is not my first language. You can check my Masterlists both in English and Polish here. Consider supporting me on Ko-fi. You can also check out my commissions if you’re interested.

Other oneshots can be found here.

"— ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ꜰʀᴇᴇ, ʀᴜɴᴀᴀɴ."

ᴀᴅᴅɪᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ɪɴꜰᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ: 1. ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴꜱ ᴀ ꜱᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴘɪꜱᴏᴅᴇ 8 ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ 1ꜱᴛ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ. 2. ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ'ꜱ ᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴡᴀꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡɴ ᴜɴᴛɪʟ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ (ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴜꜱ ᴋɴᴇᴡ).

What was Viren trying to accomplish? The question had been on Runaan's mind for days now. How long, he couldn't remember exactly. After he'd murdered the king of Katolis and been thrown into a cramped cell, he'd lost track of time.

[Reader] would visit him sometimes. At least, that was how she introduced herself. She brought him both human food, elven juice and messages from Viren as well. So far, he had not drunk anything, nor admitted to anything. But he found that the girl was a diversion during the slowly dragging time. The time that was still left before he died.

He was more certain of nothing in his life than his imminent end. Raised as an elven warrior, he learned from an early age to push fear into the recesses of his consciousness. And years spent training and the oath sworn with his brothers allowed him to do what had to be done and accept the consequences.

He only regretted that Rayla, whom he had trained for so long, was unable to shed her scruples. But he had little control over that. He only knew that she would lose her hand instead of her life, which might have been a silver lining but in reality she would be covered in shame for not keeping her oath.

The value Runaan fought for was justice.

Or at least he believed with all his might that it was. Even if, from the perspective of the human race, he dreamed of revenge, he considered it righteous.

That was why he was hanging almost helplessly from the handcuffs connected to the ceiling. They locked his arms, legs and prevented him from moving most of the time. But he still held his head up with the pride typical of elves. Unfortunately, his strength was gradually failing him, which did not go unnoticed by Viren.

Runaan had already examined every inch of gray stone beneath his feet and the mold at the other end of the cell. Every now and then he caught a glimpse of a mouse scurrying by. At that unremarkable moment, [Reader] entered the cell. Her demeanor, however, indicated that something was clearly wrong because she usually moved quickly and quietly but now she turned her head a few times, as if checking to see if anyone was behind her and then, right in front of him, drank some of the juice.

— You should take this. — She held the bottle to his lips. — I assure you it’s not poisoned.

— What you did doesn’t prove anything yet — he replied in a hoarse voice.

He didn't really believe in the girl's intentions. She could have just as easily drunk the antidote or let herself be sacrificed to the governor.

— Viren doesn't want to kill you. He needs you. For now, at least — she added quietly. — And I'm going to get you out of here.

— Why would the woman from Katolis want to release her king’s killer from prison? — he snarled.

— Harrow was never my king — she snapped quietly.

— I still don't see why you would do something like that.

— I don't have time for your idiotic questions.

— My dear, I have all the time in the world. — He smiled.

She looked at him, then resignedly pushed her hair to the side. Despite the darkness, lit only by the faint glow from the corridor, he saw that it carefully covered her long, elven ears.

Runaan, unable to believe his eyes, moved his gaze to her hands, where he saw five fingers.

— Most people are at the king’s funeral, so we have some time — she explained briefly, glancing back out of the corner of her eye. — My grandfather was an elf. — She pointed to her ears again. — He fell in love with my grandmother, who followed him to Xadia, where my mother was later born. A year later, humans stole the dragon prince’s egg and, at her husband’s urging, she fled to Katolis. Hoping for his return, she raised the child. It wasn’t that hard. My mother was physically fit but her appearance was deceptively close to human. When she grew up, she met my father and the genes weakened even more. That’s why I have five fingers and I’m not much different from anyone else. After my mother died, I ended up at the castle by saving the life of Claudia, who is Viren’s daughter. Since then, I’ve been under his watchful eye and...

— I don’t understand what you’re getting at — he said.

— I want to get to Xadia safely. I received a sealed letter from my grandfather half a year ago. There is no mistake. He is waiting for me there because he is unable to get to Katolis without getting involved in the conflict. By holding back, he pays tribute to my deceased grandmother.

From the elf's perspective, [Reader]'s grandfather had lost his honour by failing to fight for his people but Runaan was not about to throw away a potential ally. So he stuck to the neutral statement of fact:

— I understand that in exchange for your help I would take you to Xadia.

— Yes. — She rubbed her fingers nervously.

— Why do you think I'd agree? I've already achieved my goal. Besides, I might as well slaughter you right after you escape.

— Elves aren’t like that! — she interjected.

She hesitated but quickly regained her composure.

It sounded like she'd said this denial many times before.

— I know that... people believe the nonsense they're told but my family didn't ignore the truth when I was learning about your culture. If I hadn't chosen to trust you, I wouldn't be here.

Runaan held her determined gaze.

— Let's say I trust you, too. What's your plan? Assuming you have one...

— We'll have to wait until the coronation, when the perfect opportunity to get you out of here quietly will present itself. Especially since Viren put spells on the shackles but I've already stolen a few things, so that shouldn't be a problem. You should also try to regain your strength by then, so I brought you some juice and some formula. — She pulled out a second vial, previously hidden in her wide skirt.

The elf eyed both bottles suspiciously, then sniffed as she unscrewed the cap. The first definitely contained juice. He wasn't so sure about the second but the liquid reminded him of something the medic had made him the last time he'd had a nasty wound and needed a quick fix.

He was aware of the risk he was takin but he had already completed his task. The only thing that loomed before him was death or the betrayal of his already dead brothers. He had no other choice.

So he did what cold calculation told him and drank the contents of both bottles.

— I’ll be back tomorrow. — She smiled shyly in response to this act.

Then, looking around carefully, she left the cell. Leaving Runaan with doubts.

The elf was finally able to let his guard down for a moment.

Being suspended in handcuffs was already making it hard for him to sleep. Now, on top of that, he wondered if he had just made a mortal mistake. As a result, he didn't sleep a wink until Viren's next visit.

[Reader] came to him when she received such an order and she was exactly as quiet as she had been at first. The elf guessed that the governor must be watching her.

Their meetings were completely different when she came while Viren was unaware.

She brought him bits and pieces of information about his kin that she had managed to overhear in the castle, told him about her past and corrected her knowledge of elves. Oddly enough, she managed to get close enough to Runaan to tell her about himself. He had never confided in anyone like that in his life.

[Reader] also made an ointment that would partially numb the pain but didn't get rid of the prisoner's scars, cuts or bruises. They didn't want to risk a failed operation by acting too suspiciously.

The girl applied the medicine with such delicacy that the elf could have sworn that if he had even hissed, he would have stopped feeling that anyone was there.

Oddly enough, her touch and presence seemed oddly soothing to him, even though he had hated the human race so much up until that point. He explained it to himself by saying that she was the only one who resembled his people to some extent.

The night before her escape, [Reader] went over every step of the journey and the details with him once more, and then, before she could change her mind, she walked over and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

— Tomorrow you will be free, Runaan. — She left.

The elf was confused as he felt a warmth around his heart but decided to put the budding feeling aside as the day had come when he would regain his freedom.

However, the governor thwarted the plans by bringing something the prisoner had not expected. A mirror was brought into the cell.

Runaan was well aware of the danger that lurked within the ancient relic, especially considering whose hands it had taken. He also knew that if he so much as uttered a word, death would befall many, so he proudly refused to cooperate.

He kept the secret.

But it cost him pain, suffering and endless nightmares.

Even Gren on the other side of the castle dungeons heard his screams.

He had lost all hope of any escape.

Because how could one try to escape from inside the coin?

He lost his chance at something he had never experienced before.

Two hours later, [Reader] entered the cell.

However, she found no one there.

She arrived too late.

[solselah]

Pick A Movie ? 💛

(Channeled messages are unrelated to plot)

PILE 1 - TOTAL RECALL

You’ve been noticing recently that your lucid dreaming has gotten so real !! I believe you had an idea how this journey was going to go but you got hit with a mini curve ball the last time you attempted to lucid dream !! Your guides are kind of smirking like just ask us to “lead and guide you and so it shall be” they are definitely protecting during this interesting moment of learning how to “get off the ground” it seems like you start to astral project and you maybe get a bit overwhelmed & feel the need to stop & try again ! On the other hand as you’re sleeping the whole time you’re lucid dreaming to these dimensions & meeting people you actually know in that realm ! So In reality your guides want to lead you into conscious Astral travel !!! Being that you unexpectedly lucid dream almost every night !!! I see for some you really do meet up in the astral realm like it’s a game lol , like okay player 1 is here , player two is here we’re ready to GO! I would just be aware of those you travel with if this is what you choose to do ! Make sure you’re truly okay with sharing your energy on that level !

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 2 - MOONLIGHT

I’m hearing you could be a Sagittarius specifically !! If not you have HEAVY Jupiterian energy! The message I’m receiving is that revolving around your self worth & how it’s been at a 0% when it’s literally always been at 100% with you ! I see people around you are concerned and want you to know they care and are here for you , with anything you may need ! For some you’ve just been watching and listening !! For a few you could’ve really had an imbalanced upbringing, I’m seeing that you may have had your parents, which is a positive thing , but they both seem to have “filled the same glass consistently”

meanwhile the other “glasses” (🍷)that were in need of attention remained empty ! So maybe they raised you based off how they were raised or how they simply wanted to. There were usually no input from others , especially family ! They could’ve been so Focused on your goals making sure you don’t make them look any less than they deem themselves to be ! I’m so picking up a mothers energy , she is toxic yall!! And would rather you “raise yourself” than put energy into molding you & raising you with the love that nourishes and not the back handed guilt of love ! Things will be so different when you decide to have kids or even if you do ! You move so different than your family and I commend you for it ! 💙

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 3 - HIDDEN FIGURES

So I see your having doubts about if this person is literally your twin flame like you don’t have any clue about what that even means or looks like for you & your not the type of person to look online and associate your experiences with the next , you need to experience these things for yourself to really solidify it in your eyes ! So you are doubting which is so okay because I do feel it’s a natural reaction to such a powerful dynamic ! Now as far as labeling it as twin flame that part you’re not sure about , like you rarely like saying boyfriend and girlfriend ! You are okay with being Partners or just people who love each other ! You are my pile that moves independent mostly , what you want you really go out there and get it for you ! To make you feel good , to add to the list of your accomplishments! You feel like this

“Twin flame “ thing might take you off your tracks as far as being independent , you’re not really ready for that level of emotion !! You definitely are dealing with someone who is KARMIC to you and is capable of mirroring to you , your faults ! You’re just not ready for that !! I wouldn’t 100% say you have interacted with your twin flame if you even have one ! I just feel like one of you may think that and the other is feeling so off about it. You’re hiding from the things that are triggering you which is so normal but at some point you’ll HAVE to face it !! Take it gently! Never with force ✨

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

PILE 4 - BRIDESMAIDS

(Mini 18+ warning )

You’re so not good with rejection of any kind !! lol you can be the type of person who is like go big or go home ! you will literally pay an arm and leg for something you really want !!! You have a very abundant mind set and can actually create and manifest with that gift so amazingly !! You take action you’re not lazy whatsoever , you are a money maker and may even work from home to where you still are in the comfort of your own Space ! The message for you is to maintain this abundant mindset and you never know where you’ll end up in the next 6 years as far as goals are concerned!! Venus is ushering in some good sex for you ! It’s almost like you work with a goddess connected to Venus and you can manifest the person , place & time lol your definitely a Conjurer or a sorceress an empress , you may work with water as well , I’m seeing water offerings !! So you have a deep connection to the element of water. You could be a Pisces I’m feeling that sign heavily! you may also have a Scorpio Venus for some or even a Jupiter in Taurus for others ! You are really so godly ! The shape , the body, the energy its all goals !!! 🔥🔥

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Hope you enjoy 💛

IG: @ soleccentric

[etherealsworldvision]

What’s Your Current Energy and The Energy You’ll Come Into?

[ With a Bonus Mini Letter from Your Inner Self ]

Before I begin the reading I’d like to take a moment to talk about: Monterey Bay Aquarium. They’re a non-profit organization that aims to inspire conservation of the ocean. If you’re interested do check them out and if you’d like to further support them click donate.

Divider Credit: @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

New song discovery for the reading: Ecstasy by Anna Tsuchiya

1. 2. 3.

🚨 P.S.A 🚨 : I do not give personal readings! Disclaimer: this is for entertainment only!

Added Description: all my readings are timeless and meant to reach those who resonate to the messages.

[ General Messages: 3; Secret Circle; Rings; Chesapeake Bay; Pink and Purple; “Pick Me”; Uses this :3 text emoji; Slow Burn; Gradual changes; Relationship Content; Insecurity; Free things; DnD; WhatsApp; Comparison; Anticipation; Lana Del Rey; Coquette & Cottegcore; Becauseimmissy content ]

Pile 1

Cards: 6 of Swords; The Chariot; 2 of cups ®; 9 of Pentacles ®; The High Priestess; 2 of Pentacles

[ Messages: Izana Kurokawa; Temperament; Full Moon; Sagittarius or Capricorn Moon; 222; Strength; Unconditional Love; Diluted; Akon (?); Jealousy, Jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo; Heal; 19 or 22; “Silver-Spoon”; Kyle; Craving; Fanfics; 66; 9; June 6th ]

This is oddly specific but Kyle kept popping up…so idk if you are or dealing with a person with that name. It may be an extra confirmation.

Your Current Energy:

You may have moved on from a romantic connection (I’m not getting platonic), I’m getting the sense that you’re in a good place right now. It could have been a big accomplishment because we have the chariot (major arcana). You might’ve experienced a traditional connection that ended up being what you imagined.

For some reason, I keep thinking about relationship advice on tiktok and twitter (discourses). It may have placed a negative effect on your perception of what a relationship is supposed to look like. For a few, you may have grown up around traditional relationships and (might subconsciously) sought for that. Overall there is an emphasis on Traditional relationships regarding gender roles and stereotypes. I feel like it doesn’t help that there’s also a new-age agenda of approaching (new) relationships (mind games) as well as isolation.

After experiencing that you might’ve thought, “Why does everyone want this?” Or “Relationships aren’t all that great”. There’s this sense of having a nihilistic view in love because of media and personal experience. Which, I don’t blame you.

I don’t know if you recently stumbled on a post or something about love but I feel like it challenged your stance on it. Which leads to you wanting a better mindset of love & connections despite what you’ve gone through. Currently, you may be trying to find the balance in your connection (with yourself and other people) and getting to really know yourself.

The energy you’ll come into:

With the high priestess here, you may be learning how to be in tune with your emotions and your gut when it comes to people/connections. I feel like, because you’re getting to know yourself better and starting to understand what you want you’ll have an easier time seeking balance.

Compromise and balance is being emphasized in this reading, so maybe that’s the thing you’ll be focusing on (healing). What is your relationship with Compromise and Balance? How did it affect you? I also see that this will come once understanding nuances instead of having an “extremist” view. Another thing is that you crave for a stable relationship and seek it by finding someone who is stable.

Which is fine but there’s this big need of: them having to be “the (perfect) one” before entering in a committed relationship. You may have gotten fs readings/astro stuff because of this. The funny thing here is — in order to be in a committed relationship is to be okay with the unknown and trusting yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but that’s what I’m getting.

Another thing I’m getting is how you’re challenging yourself to be more focused on yourself in terms of finances, health, and basically practical things. There’s this sense of being grounded; how you want to treat yourself via materials and consumption.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“Who said we have to be rigid to be treated like ‘royalty’? Look at Simba! He's fun and outgoing — he’s still a well respected king and with the love of his life! We need to loosen up a bit, be more courageous when it comes to stepping out of our comfort zone. The longer we stay in our old ways we’ll end up living with regret, that’s worse than living with consequences! How about we do the first thing we were scared of? If we get a booboo on our knee that’s fine at least we did it. If they don’t show interest then that’s okay too, we can continue to sail. All I’m saying is we should have the courage to go with the flow and live our life to the fullest instead of wallowing or through the screen/fantasies. Let’s embrace the unknown and hope for the best, yeah?”

Alrighty pile 1 that’s all I have for you today. Thank you so much for sticking through until the end, I greatly appreciate it. I’m giving you virtual hugs 🫂 and shooting hearts at you! 🧡🧡🔫 *Pew Pew*

Pile 2

Cards: Knight of Swords; King of Pentacles; Empress ®; 10 of Cups; Knight of Cups; The Devil

[ Confirmation Messages: Rollercoaster; Lilo & Stitch; “Inner Demons”; Renaldo from Los Espookys; Camera; Water and Earth Placements; San Francisco; Fear; Amusement Parks; Kali Uchis; ‘Take a Seat’; Road-trips; Night Drives; 333 ]

Your Current Energy

Okay Pile 2 your current energy is stable in terms of finances (as well as materialistic things) and you’re well grounded. You may be looking into how you can better your current financial stability or just being more responsible by getting your needs met especially in money matters.

Another thing is — there’s this sense of caution in regards to spending money. Now, I can’t give financial advice (it’s not my forte) but I can give reassurance. If there is a bit of wiggle room to spend on a snack or on that t-shirt you like then it’s okay to get it. I feel like there’s this sense of shame in regard to spending despite being able to afford things.

I used to feel this way as well and I remember talking to my cousin about it. They would tell me, “Whenever I feel guilty about spending on things I like, I think about the amount of hard working hours I put in to be able to afford it.” To lessen the guilt or shame of buying something that makes us* happy. This doesn’t have to apply to huge spends — can be minor ones like an album or that pint of ice cream you’ve been eyeing at the store.

There’s just this sense of guilt of spending which leads to a bigger guilt of not being able to nurture yourself in the way you want to. I feel like there’s this blame you have towards yourself for wanting things and punishing yourself for not doing it (the “damned if you do damned if you don’t” situation). Based on your cards I don’t see money issues (currently going on) but I do see the trauma linked to it. I don’t know if this stems from childhood or recent experiences.

(If you can, talk with someone you trust. They may have some insight that you need or just connecting with someone in general.)

The Energy You’ll Come Into

What’s funny is: there’s this sense of “fuck it we ball” vibe. I don’t know how it got to this sudden shift but it’s reminding me of one of the reasons why this acc exists. So maybe a tiktok or reel will piss you off into buying something for yourself with zero shame.

( I struggle with imposter syndrome, when I saw a YouTube short of someone dropping a 50lb lollipop from a rooftop and called it an “experiment” (it’s just obnoxious food waste! There was no science or anything!). I got so mad that they were earning money for wasting food I ended up saying “fuck this I’m adding to society” and boom here I am lol. )

I’m not saying your financial trauma is going to magically disappear but there is this sense of being fed up with how it makes you feel. If you are (or will be) seeing a therapist you may be working on your relationship with this financial trauma. I think another thing that you will be coming into is learning how spending and financial issues have affected you. I feel like during this period you may be reflecting on your relationship with money while doing exposure therapy.

But yeah the energy you’ll come into is indulgence and emotional fulfillment (however be careful as to not over do it) without zero shame. Despite not having any balance cards besides the King of Pentacles — I do feel like that’s what you’ll be coming into. Working on balancing your wants and needs while regulating your emotions when it comes to money.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“I know we struggled with money but we’ve put in the hard work to make ourselves happy. Why not bask in our success for just a minute? Why not see how far we come by planning something for ourselves? Can’t we at least congratulate ourselves for putting our foot in the door and say “I did it”! Because we did do that! Yeah, yeah we dealt with delays, some difficulties along the way but we pulled through! We did that, baby! We made it happen — we have a job, a career! Let's celebrate ourselves and give ourselves the gratitude we deserve. We fucking earned it!”

Alrighty pile 2 that’s all I have for you today. Thank you so much for sticking through until the end, I greatly appreciate it! I’m wishing you the best! Remember it’s okay to have nice things for yourself! 🧡

Pile 3

Cards: Page of Swords; The World; 7 of Cups; Page of Pentacles; Knight of Cups; The Hierophant ®

[ Confirmation Messages: Astrology; Occult; Investments in Hobbies; Culinary Arts; New Passions; Lack; TikTok; Radios; Seltzers; Renaissance Fair; OktoberFest (?); Young or New Energy; Amethyst Crystal (Pendant); Twilight; Taking a Leap of Faith; Vampires; Vibrant Personality: 3 Body Problem ]

Your Current Energy

Your energy is like the sun after a cloudy day — like it is not like the other two piles. To be honest your excitement feels so contagious (in a good way). So you may have been very patient in the past or passive. You kind of just let life pass you by until something comes up.

When it did come to you and you took that chance it’s as if the world showed itself. There's so many options to choose from and that’s what’s getting you super excited. I feel called to say there are not wrong choices as it can work out with persistence and hard work.

Since you are in the process of accomplishing things or already achieved it — you may be wanting to expand/explore what’s out there for you. Let's say you got your drivers license, now you get to drive to the place you want. Or let’s say you took a chance on an idea then suddenly, you get loads of engagement. Because you took this chance a lot of opportunities are coming your way to the point it’s almost overwhelming.

The Energy You’ll Come Into

Because you’re putting in the work towards something you love — you’ll feel more fulfilled. I feel like whatever you’re working on will be another way to gain connections. It doesn’t have to be transactional connections — it just means you may make friends along the way or collaborate.

This especially applies to people who went the “unconventional route”. It feels like you made a decision that really aligns with you. I think what also really inspired you is seeing how people made their dreams come true, even if it’s by doing the simplest things. There is encouragement to remain open to what’s to come, especially when it comes to your creative skills.

I’m not getting too much on your future energy besides you making an earning from it and feeling fulfilled. I am getting this celebratory vibe that you have done it from the ground up. Through your patience and perseverance you were able to make it happen. I’m also getting a confirmation “yes, do it” to the question you’ve been really really thinking about.

Letter from Your Inner Self

“Listen…I know your intuition and anxiousness is going haywire right now. However, to feel your intuition you’ll feel a strong and I mean a strong pull to do something. I’m encouraging you to do it — do it even if you’re alone. You’ll never know the outcome unless you do it. Yes it’s unconventional but what’s the harm in taking that chance? We did it once, why not do it again and see where it takes us? It’ll make us happier knowing we did it instead of never doing anything. I believe in us, so don’t lose hope.”

Alrighty Pile 3 that’s all I have for you. Thank you so much for reading until the end, I greatly appreciate it! I’m so excited for you and wishing for things to go smoothly! Best of luck! 🍀🧡

[cobragardens]

Holy Kittens, Y'all: My Favorite Good Omens Moment Has Gotten EVEN MORE ROMANTIC

Okay so I wrote this post about my favorite moment in Good Omens, and the stuff people are pointing out in the reblogs and comments is blowing my freaking mind, and I HAVE to show you how beautifully this all fits together, like I am flailing at my desk about this.

@vidavalor points out this gif from @soft-ange-aziraphale [Source]:

Here it is in sequence (gifs 1-4 from Fuck Yeah Good Omens):

I can't stop laughing over Aziraphale's smile, which shows, as @quoththemaiden says, that he's "utterly delighted with himself" and knows perfectly well that he's minxing Crowley; and this tiny extension of the moment convinces me even more that Crowley is desperately fighting a smile himself here.

Actually there's a lot in @quoththemaiden's comment that's insightful and well-put:

Totes agree with all of this.

And then. AND THEN!

I knew Crowley was trying to communicate something with this Shakespeare line, but I didn't know what until @paperbunny and @musingsofmaisie put it out there: Crowley is complimenting Aziraphale here, telling him he's enjoying being in Aziraphale's company, telling him his humor worked.

Remember how I keep banging on about how much equivocation Crowley does? This is more equivocation. In 1601, Richard Burbage was 34 years old, so age hasn't had the chance to wither his infinite variety yet. The stupidity of demons and the ignorance of angels regarding the human aging process prevent surveillance from noticing the poor applicability of this line to Burbage, but since the first half of the line fits Aziraphale (who does not age at all) more than Burbage (who is merely not yet old) it stands a chance of indicating to Aziraphale that Crowley is speaking about him. And the underlying true meaning of this equivocal statement would be A DIRECT RESPONSE TO MY FAVORITE MOMENT: Even though I have known you so long, you still surprise and delight me.

(Crowley's Antony & Cleopatra line also accomplishes something else important: it gets William Shakespeare to go away so they can speak privately, because Shakespeare doesn't want them to see him writing it down.)

A Dip Into Speculation

I don't think the evidence for it is binding enough to say for sure, because the evidence is really just that it fits together so nicely and lines up so well with A&C's coded romantic messages in 1793; the (pretty overt, actually, I mean damn) romance in 1827; the size and nature of the fight in 1867; the yeah, really overt romance in 1941; and in 1967; and yes okay now that I'm thinking about it the whole series, but I have this View about how the rest of the 1601 scene goes.

And in fact there is Word of Gods that could be interpreted as evidence against this little pet headcanon I have, though it doesn't necessarily have to be:

Here's my assertion: Aziraphale volunteers to go to Edinburgh for Crowley. Crowley cheats the coin toss to accept Aziraphale's offer and to keep up appearances as a demon. Rather than making a deal with (or asking a favor of) an angel, he's 'cheating' him (without the angel's knowledge, but with his consent), which "moves the dials" of evil a bit and would also make Aziraphale appear less at fault if this instance of the Arrangement is ever discovered by Heaven.

This can coexist with Gaiman's statement, above, that it doesn't even occur to Aziraphale that Crowley cheats the toss. THEE ongoing leitmotif of Aziraphale's view of Crowley is that he thinks of Crowley as much more genuinely evil and much less in need of ways to create cover as evil than Crowley actually is.

(Which is interesting, given that he also clearly thinks that Crowley is not as evil as he pretends to be, that he is and wants to do good, and that he deserves to be an angel again. [There is a whoooole nother essay slowly curdling in the churn in my head about how Aziraphale is obliged to practice doublethink and how that stunts his personal development because that's what happens when people aren't free.])

Here's what I mean when I say Aziraphale volunteers.

Does Aziraphale ask in this tone because he is actually feeling suspicious and curt, or because he has to sound suspicious and curt? He could be perfectly willing to do Crowley a favor and would still need to sound the way he does. It's difficult for me to believe this guy--

--or this guy--

--are really all that bothered by the idea that Crowley might want something from him.

Crowley's response sounds like a(n unconvincing) protest of innocence. Maybe it is. But he doesn't disagree with the premise on which Aziraphale based his question, which means Aziraphale now has confirmation: Crowley called the meeting because he wants to ask Aziraphale to do him a favor.

Close your eyes and listen to Sheen's delivery of this line. The way he says it is so soft it's got no judgy angelic sting to it at all. Is this really a prissy answer to Crowley's semi-rhetorical question? Or is Aziraphale using the cover of a prissy answer to ask Crowley, Is what you want related to the no-good you're up to, i.e., demon work?

Either way, Crowley answers:

Is Crowley making a demonic jibe at Aziraphale in return to "You're up to no good," or is he telling Aziraphale, Yes, what I want from you is related to my work, and to your work, esp. what you've got on right now?

Aziraphale volunteers some information about his schedule and what it is he's got on right now.

--he says, and the velvety way Crowley says "Ohhh," tells us--and could tell Aziraphale--that Crowley already knows this. In this coded communication I'm suggesting, Crowley's tone on "Oh" confirms to Aziraphale that the thing he wants help with does indeed have to do with Aziraphale's trip to Edinburgh.

So Aziraphale gives Crowley his travel details: Yeah, I have a couple of blessings and a minor miracle to perform. It's going to suck; I have to ride a horse.

Crowley's like, yeah, riding horses does suck. You have my sympathies. (Phrasing it as an insult to God: "Major design flaw if you ask me.") And then he says, I have to go to Edinburgh too this week. Tempt a clan leader into stealing some cattle.

And here's where I think Aziraphale volunteers to do Crowley's Edinburgh job for him:

If, as I propose, Aziraphale understands already at this point that Crowley is asking him to take Crowley's Edinburgh temptation, then this response tells Crowley he's willing to do so.

And then they have a little bit of kayfabe theater and a little bit of miscommunication between themselves. Crowley suggests Aziraphale take Crowley's Edinburgh job. Aziraphale protests "You cannot actually be suggesting what I infer you're implying," even though, as Crowley immediately points, out, they've now done this dozens of times.

Now, obviously Aziraphale is pretending innocence here with "You cannot actually be suggesting," etc. But he's not pretending innocence to Crowley. He can't be: Crowley knows about the dozens of other times just like Aziraphale does. So the protest of innocence is for surveillance; it's the spirit, not the letter, of the protest itself that's genuine: I am reluctant about this.

And Crowley misses it.

He reads the surface layer of the equivocation, the Heavenly pearl-clutching; and the surface layer is where he argues. "We've done it before," he points out. "Dozens of times now. The Arrangement--"

But Aziraphale, visibly frightened and looking around, cuts him off. "Don't say that." Getting caught in an Arrangement would be much, much worse than getting caught in a one-off deal.

Why is this suddenly a problem? says Crowley. You know we've been getting away with this; you know they don't check up.

It's not pearl-clutching at all; Aziraphale is worried for Crowley's safety.

When Crowley says--

--is his tone half wheedling and half impatient because that's how he feels, or because it must sound like that? Is it soft only out of courtesy to the other people in the Globe?

There's no difference to the outcome of this scene or the story as a whole whether this romantic interpretation of the Edinburgh bickering is correct, because we've already got a solid base of evidence that the characters have romantic feelings for each other and show each other affection and care in this scene. In my opinion this interpretation fits the tone of the rest of the Globe scene better than only the face-value interpretation. What Gaiman and Mackinnon say about Crowley cheating the coin toss and Aziraphale not being aware of it can still easily apply.

While these three statements together aren't enough evidence to convict, so to speak, if my initial argument about the interpretation of "Buck up!" and Crowley's reaction is correct--and the cool stuff other people have found and pointed out suggests it is AND explains Crowley's Antony & Cleopatra line--this reading of the Edinburgh bickering is, if not ironclad, at least valid.

And holy shit, people, that makes this scene romantic af from beginning to end. I could not have asked for a better little gift from my fellow humans. 🤯I have such a better understanding of the entire 1601 scene because people from anywhere with an Internet connection sat down and spent their time sharing their ideas, and it just makes the lit-nerd lobe of my brain so happy. I love you all, you romantics and nerds and perverts.

[cosmicjoke]

Man, okay, chapter 58 of "Saezuru", and this one was a doozy.

As usual, the Yakuza plot is super complex and involved, and I think I'm going to have to go back over previous chapters to make heads or tails of it. So I'll just focus on Yashiro and Doumeki, and in turn, Misumi and Tsunakawa for now.

So the cat's just out of the bag with Misumi finding out about Yashiro's involvement with Doumeki (though it seems clear to me that he isn't really aware of their sexual relations at this point, and I dread to find out what his reaction will be if he does find that out). What I didn't expect here was for Tsunakawa to basically start shit by telling Misumi about Doumeki, seemingly just to see what his reaction would be. But clearly, there's some deeper agenda at play. I think he's trying to gauge just how involved with Yashiro Doumeki is, and seeing Misumi's over the top reaction to finding out that he essentially sent Yashiro to the same place Doumeki was is going to give Tsunakawa a pretty good idea. He's going to know from Misumi's reaction that Yashiro and Doumeki aren't just "friends" or associates, or working together on business. Misumi is obviously pissed, but I think he'll be a lot MORE pissed if he finds out that Doumeki's been going to Yashiro for, it seems, the last two weeks, every time he has a moment to (and I'll get into that in a bit here). I've said before that Misumi's possessiveness of Yashiro would cause him to be particularly unhappy if he were to find out Doumeki is back in Yashiro's life, because I think he sees Doumeki as a threat to his hold on Yashiro. Also just to add, Misumi saying "That fucker hid it from me", with regards to Yashiro, also seems to convey just how pissed Misumi clearly is.

I also found Tsunakawa's comment about Yashiro seemingly having it good, and Misumi's response to that really interesting. Misumi says "Is that how you see it?", which implies to me that Misumi is aware that he basically keeps Yashiro in a kind of prison. That he may appear to have the freedom to move about and do what he wants, but the reality is, he's been under Misumi's control and thumb for over 20 years at this point. He isn't free at all, actually.

And okay, so... I don't know what the heck Doumeki is doing or thinking at this point. The fact he's been going to Yashiro over and over, for the last few weeks, having sex with him and then leaving, all the while clearly driving home to Yashiro the message that he doesn't have any feelings for him any longer and is just using him for sex... I can't imagine the toll this is taking on Yashiro mentally, and I can't imagine what it is Doumeki is trying to accomplish with this, other than keeping Yashiro in traction and basically trapped. I'm just going to flat out say I don't like it, and I think Doumeki is doing Yashiro a lot of harm at this point. He needs to quit pretending he doesn't care, and I think in order to do that, Doumeki is just going to have to face his own fears of losing Yashiro and accept whatever happens. I spoke before about how Doumeki is trying to control Yashiro, to keep him from running away, and a lot of that is rooted in a possessiveness that, frankly, he has no right to. Again and again throughout his life, Yashiro has been treated like an object and a possession by other men, and I see Doumeki doing the same to him now, and it really sucks. He's fucking with Yashiro's head, whether intentional or not, and given Yashiro's mental problems, I think it's wrong and potentially irrevocably damaging to him.

I think Yashiro's agitation toward Kageyama is sort of indicative of his growing despair, too. Kuga comes in and starts questioning him about Doumeki, and just Kuga being there, with Kage, is serving as yet another reminder of Yashiro's own isolation and loneliness. He gave Kuga to Kage, basically, set them up together, and then Kage has the gall to ask Yashiro here if he's alright, and then bring up to him his feelings for Doumeki. Given their history together, and his own obliviousness to Yashiro's feelings, that must seem particularly insulting and like rubbing salt into the wound for Yashiro. Kage also badgering Yashiro to "get out already" of the Yakuza, as if it's that easy, all while remaining blissfully unaware that Yashiro is only in the Yakuza to begin with because of Kage and the sacrifice Yashiro made to save his friends life and career... yeah, I was feeling pretty pissed at Kage and his usual, shitty ignorance this chapter.

The final images, of the rain starting to come down, and Yashrio remembering his exchange with Doumeki before the time skip, asking him what falling in love feels like for him... well, this is what falling in love feels like for Yashiro. Constant rejection and loss. First with Kage, and now, seemingly, with Doumeki. That last time it was raining, Yashiro seemed to lose Doumeki, after watching him be shot and fall under Hirata's gun. And shortly thereafter, he let Doumeki go, casting him out of his life for both their sakes.

That we see him walking alone in the rain here seems to symbolize his eternal loneliness, the way he's fated to forever love and not be loved in return. The second to last panel, showing Yashiro's pained expression, his teeth gritting together, and his words "Spare me, really,", seems like a plea to the universe to stop tormenting him like this.

How much pain can one person take?

Anyway, these are just my initial impressions after one read through. This was a really dense chapter with a lot going on, so I may have gotten everything wrong, lol. I'm going to go back and read it again, more slowly this time, and if I have any additional thoughts, I'll add them.

Just an additional note. Yashiro replying "No, not really," to Kage's question of whether he intends to quit the Yakuza also seems indicative to me of Yashiro's general feelings of despondency. At the beginning of the time skip, Yashiro seems almost intent on getting out, making real moves toward that end, trying to make enough money to basically buy himself out. But now he's saying he's not even really intending on quitting. I feel like, given what's going on between him and Doumeki, Yashiro is started to feel hopeless, and his resignation to his position in life, despite the misery he's always felt being trapped in that world, seems like an extension of that.

[nobodysdaydreams]

My Severance (Apple TV)/Wolf359 (Podcast) AU that I think turned out surprisingly okay

I had so much fun making this. Strap in folks, this is gonna be a good time. Spoilers ahead for both these media, watch/listen to them both because they’re so good, and Wolf359 mapped surprisingly well onto the concept of severance.

There’s a lot to get through here and a surprising amount of plot twists, so let’s start at the beginning. This AU is exactly what it sounds like. The “MDR four” are Hera, Minkowski, Hilbert, and Eiffel (we’ll start with them). Cutter severs his employees to keep his work secret, and gets them to work for him by offing their “outties” life upgrades. Outtie Doug is not only freed from prison, but Cutter puts him up in a luxury apartment, rent free. Doug finds the concept of severance shady and slimy, but also knows the restraining order Kate has against him expires when Anne turns eighteen, at which point, Anne can decide for herself if she wants to see her dad again or not. Doug is trying to get himself together for her, that’s why he’s doing this, so he has his innie work extra hours for the money to send to Anne and spends the rest of his outtie time learning sign language, trying to get sober (but relapsing “randomly” when his innie has a bad day at work) and passing the time by loudly playing guitar hero and screaming karaoke at 3am. Minkowski, who always dreamed of going to space, was enticed by Cutter’s offer, but was about to turn it down upon realizing she wouldn’t actually remember any of it. Cutter, not wanting to lose her, offers her the chance to retain a few special memories (moments of her helping the crew or having a good time, all carefully vetted of course) and reminds her that she will receive awards and credit for all her innie does. Minkowski agrees and Cutter is especially happy about getting her, because Minkowski’s husband is a well-known journalist, and his support of his wife adds credibility to the severance procedure. Minkowski and her husband, Dominik, live in the same luxury apartment complex as Doug and while their innies are friends, brought together by a common enemy, their outties are each other’s enemies. Outtie Doug is constantly getting notes on his door from “that snobby uptight fancy lady who lives upstairs with her stupid husband” asking him to please keep the noise down at 3am and not leave trash in the hallways. Outtie Minkowski, not realizing they work for the same company due to staggered exits, assumes Doug is somehow related to someone working for Goddard or has rich relatives who put him up here, as she can’t imagine he actually has a real job. Outtie Doug, who is aware Outtie Minkowski works for Goddard due to the publicity and praise she gets for the list of accomplishments she achieved on the job (which unbeknownst to both their outties, actually includes a mix of both her and his innie’s accomplishments as well as stuff Cutter just made up), assumes she must be one of the higher ups, and never considers that they could be coworkers on the same level, much less friends. Also, for those wondering about their work schedule, they go up in space a few scheduled weeks or months at a time and then come back down. But more on them later.

Hilbert is very similar to his character in the podcast, motivated by the “greater good”. He is either one of the few who hasn’t had severance, or if he has, his Outtie left him a message to stay inside working for the greater good because “there’s nothing left outside for him anymore”. So he’s pretty much the same at the end of the day, maybe we can throw in a plot twist where Olga is alive and working for Goddard too, or maybe that’s doing too much. But by far the most interesting of the four is Hera, and if you’ve listened to Wolf359 and are caught up on severance, you probably already see where this is going. In this AU, instead of AI, we have severance, and instead of Hera being AI, she’s actually the innie version of Miranda, and if the idea of these two literally being the same person the same way Helly/Helena are in severance bothers you, I understand, and I’m going to ask you to please let me cook with this one (hint: there will be more twists later). First, the backstory. Miranda created severance for Cutter, but lately there have been some bugs. So, Miranda tests it for herself on herself, the logic being that if she can break the will of, well, herself, someone so determined, strong willed, and resilient, who matches her own intelligence and problem solving skills, then severance will be perfected. In this AU, there would be a lot of clues as to Hera’s true identity. These include a scene where Kepler is about to physically hurt Hera for insubordination, only to seemingly change his mind after getting a message from command and choosing to hurt her friends instead. A scene where someone is reading a “Pryce and Cutter” passage only for the wording to strongly resemble the way Hera naturally talks. Hera being able to pick up on skills and learn about technology and space faster than the rest of them and naturally just having more knowledge about these topics even though she can’t remember where she got it. Cutter being unusually familiar with Hera when he speaks to her as opposed to the others and being, if not forgiving, lenient towards Hera or at least concerned for her physical safety in way that he clearly doesn’t care about the others. And probably the biggest clue: since Cutter and Miranda are still updating their bodies, Hera has super strength, which the team doesn’t discover until they are in a life or death situation, and Hera desperately tried to save them and finds out she’s super strong even though she doesn’t look it. But more on Hera and Miranda’s story later.

Onto the SI-5. Much like Hilbert, they actually spend most of their time as their “innies” though for different reasons. Maxwell is a doctor that works in severance, while being severed herself. She understands it and the risks, but this is the only way she gets to do the science she wants to do, and after watching the video message her outtie sent explaining her “reason for employment” concludes that her outtie has no one who cares about her and that this is what her talents are good for, and this is her purpose, even if at times she seriously and deeply ethically questions it. In actually, Maxwell’s father and family are anti-severance activists (on personal, religious, and scientific grounds) who disagreed with her involvement in receiving and administering the procedure, at which point Outtie Maxwell cut them off for belittling and insulting her work. Innie Maxwell doesn’t know the full story, but believes no one on the outside cares enough about her to care what happens to her in here, based on what her outtie said in the recordings. Unbeknownst to both outtie and innie Maxwell, her family is still worried about what happened to her or might be happening to her and have been desperately trying to contact her. Meanwhile, Cutter is using Maxwell’s apparent cooperation and devotion to the company and the fact that she obtained a restraining order against her family as a way to legitimize severance and make her family look like crazy fanatics.

Then we have Jacobi. And he has an interesting twist in his story. Remember alien clone Jacobi? Well, in this AU, he’s not a clone or an alien. Not exactly. He’s what happens when severed humans come in temporary close contact with the dear listeners. The aliens, perceiving the division in their memory streams, naturally separate the innies and outties into different bodies in order to “correct” the error, so instead of people being “reintegrated” at this point in the story, they are actually separated into two different people (trust me, we’re gonna have fun with this). The clone was outtie Jacobi, and when he begins obviously freaking out and fails their test because he doesn’t know everything about Goddard that his innie knows, he meets the same fate as the clone in the podcast, leaving innie Jacobi as the only Jacobi, and leaving Jacobi to relearn who he is, who outtie Jacobi was, and take over a life that isn’t even really his. (Also during a wellness sessions (conducted by Maxwell, Rachel, or maybe this is what Hilbert’s sister Olga does), one of Jacobi’s positive statements is that his outtie had an “impressive apprehension of ducks”).

Then we have Kepler. Terrible, awful, Kepler. Kepler has no idea what his outtie is like, and he doesn’t care. Just like himself in the podcast, he’s totally content to live with the unknown, as long as he gets a little more information than his coworkers and a sadistic power over his coworkers (plus a little fine whiskey and some extra office perks, thanks to Goddard Futuristics). Kepler assumes his outtie must be living in luxury, set up with a sweet deal from Goddard and living the dream. However, when Kepler does get separated by the dear listeners, he is shocked to find out that his outtie is miserable, which is why he agreed to work for Goddard in the first place. You see, outtie Kepler was once a selfish (for lack of a better word) a-hole, just like innie Kepler. It was great fun until all his relationships and ambitions blew up in his face. Goddard gave him a chance to start over, so he took it. Outtie Kepler assumed a straightforward job and career path with no possibility to deviate or screw things up would at least give some version of himself a chance to make better choices, but is disappointed and disgusted to see himself “returned to factory settings”. Innie Kepler doesn’t take this assessment well, claiming Outtie Kepler might have screwed up his life, but this is bigger, this is different, this is important! Outtie Kepler angrily replies “you really think I don’t know you? Newsflash, you whisky drinking, self-important, monologuing idiot, I am you. I created you, and I’ve lived more than you’ve ever lived. Every selfish stupid mistake you’ve made? I’ve already made it a thousand times in hundreds of different ways. The only real difference between us is that the only lives I ruined are mine and those I wished I’d loved better than I did. But apparently that wasn’t enough for you. You just had to drag the entire world down with us. And to think the whole reason I agreed to this was because I thought it might actually make a better version of me. But I suppose that’s the tragedy of seeing an imagined version of yourself. It’s almost inevitable that we would disappoint each other.”

Now the “aliens splitting the severed” twist is an idea I plan to use on a few characters besides Jacobi and Kepler with special devastating consequences for each character. For Jacobi, it means accepting his Outtie is gone and learning who he was and picking up the pieces of his life. For the Keplers, it means learning from their mistakes, living selflessly, and learning to do the right thing (I’m thinking innie Kepler tries to sacrifice himself for the group like he does in the podcast, only for outtie Kepler to do it instead. Outtie Kepler thanks Innie Kepler for giving him something/someone in his life worth dying for, and Innie Kepler thanks him for giving him something/someone worth living for (both by creating him via severance and also by verbally giving him a reality check after they were split into separate bodies) the Keplers raise their Whisky glasses and cheers each other as Outtie Kepler says goodbye. Others who go through the split are as follows:

Lovelace, like Jacobi, is just her innie. Her crew came in contact with the aliens, split into two teams, and to cover it up, Goddard sent a kill order against both crews planning to declare that the crew died in an unprecedented accident. As far as the listener knows, Innie Lovelace and Hilbert(Selberg) were the only survivors. If Hilbert is severed, he killed his outtie immediately, which is his agreed upon protocol, and the Hilbert we see in the beginning of the podcast is a Hilbert that only knows Goddard. If Hilbert was never severed and just agreed to work for Goddard full time 24/7 for the “greater good”, then the fact that he didn’t split is what reveals him as a traitor to the rest of both crews, who turned against him. This possibility would have resulted in Hilbert reluctantly cooperating with Goddard to kill his crew and their outties. It is possible a few innies or outties made it back to Earth, but given that the outties don’t have the space training of their innies, and the innies don’t remember their lives on Earth or how to return to them, it seems unlikely, though not impossible. That’s up to you to decide.

Another person to split due to the aliens? Surprisingly, Rachel Young. Rachel’s outtie is on the board and works for Goddard, similar to Rachel in the podcast, and her role is similar to Natalie in the show. Her innie is created as a matter of protocol, and Cutter assures Rachel they will do everything to make sure her “innie” is kept in line. What they are actually doing, and what Rachel suspects because she knows herself/how Cutter sees her as similar to himself, is that she is an additional test for controlling potentially “difficult” innies. Sure enough, Rachel’s innie, having a similar personality and intelligence, is determined to find out what’s going on and free herself. However, the real reason Cutter is using her for the tests is more sinister than that. Once split by the dear listeners, the innie Rachel makes it her mission to kill and take the place of the outtie so that she can have a life outside of what her outtie dictates for her. In one episode, Rachel’s innie succeeds, kills her outtie, and takes her place, pretending to be the outtie Rachel who works closely with Cutter. Cutter later reveals to innie Rachel that he knows what she’s done, but isn’t bothered by it, in fact, he’s impressed, and claims this clearly shows she was the superior Rachel. He offers her a chance to work for him, and like the Rachel in the podcast and for similar reasons, innie Rachel agrees, replacing outtie Rachel. Cutter brings up conducting an additional severance procedure on her, and Rachel is skeptical given what she just did to her own outtie, but Cutter promises she’ll be the outtie Rachel this time, and they’ll make sure she A) take precautions to limit contact with the aliens so she doesn’t split and B) if she does split, having been the innie herself, she should be able to anticipate what she is about to do and kill her innie before her innie kills her. He emphasizes that while he’s okay with her taking the old Rachel’s place, and “all’s well that ends well”, he has every intention of making sure this “fluke” won’t happen again. When Rachel hesitates, Cutter makes it clear the severance isn’t optional and rejecting it means rejecting his job offer if she does that, it’s heavily implied he’s going to kill her. Thus, Rachel reluctantly agrees.

However, after Rachel leaves his office, Cutter mutters to himself that it’s been a “long time since one of her innies had a win” and he was “hoping this one would last a bit longer” but “maybe this trial will be better, and in the meantime, one of her is as good as any other.” You see, the “splits” Rachel experiences when she comes in contact with the dear listeners are actually intentional and orchestrated on Cutter’s part and have already happened to her dozens of times already. Each time, either the innie is able to outsmart the outtie and take her place as the new outtie or the outtie, having been innie herself, anticipates this and kills her innie instead. The goal is to do this until Cutter successfully creates an outtie that cannot be beaten by her own innies under any circumstances to ensure complete control over the innies and successfully document the proper conditions for outties to be able to consistently ensure their innies do not get the upper hand. Of course, Miranda is conducting the same/a similar experiment with herself as Hera, but that experiment (for obvious reasons, at least according to Pryce and Cutter) can’t involve splitting because they can’t risk Hera having her own body (obviously, you might have already suspected that this doesn’t work out, but more on that later). Cutter’s experiment on Rachel is to examine the splitting aspect, particularly in a situation where an outtie/innie are placed in a scenario where only one can survive (as Cutter makes it clear to them that he won’t let both of them live and has no need for two Rachels both live, and each Rachel will do whatever it takes to survive and be the outtie). It is possible that at some point thanks to their intelligence and deductive reasoning skills, the outtie and innie Rachels realize the loop they’re stuck in and team up against Cutter, but when push comes to shove, each would do whatever it takes to survive another day, even if that means putting a knife into their “own” heart. If you’re wondering why we’d spend so much time on this plotline (it would have it’s own episode like Volte Face, but would be earlier the show) it’s because it’s foreshadowing for other characters and has huge implications for even more characters. You’ll see.

Now, how do our heroes get out of this situation? And what is Cutter’s big plan this time with all these severance procedures?

Well, this is actually being investigated on two ends. The first is by our heroes’ innies, and the second is by their outties. Everyone tries to sneak messages to their respective outties. Hera is the most successful, but these messages come back with harsh words from her outtie and devastating consequences for the whole crew. Eventually, the entire crews discovers who Hera really is on the outside. This is after some of them remember being tortured and experimented on by Pryce and Cutter. Hera takes it hard, but the others assure her that Miranda Pryce isn’t her, just her outtie, and they’ll always be her friends. However, with the confirmation that Hera’s outtie is the enemy, it’s up to Minkowski and Eiffel to try getting the messages out to themselves (the same why Minkowski tried to call her husband in the show) in the hopes that whoever their outties are, they will be sympathetic to their plight. For the most part they fail, but Minkowski gets a clever idea. Instead of sneaking notes out with themselves, she realizes Goddard does supply runs to fix and return their equipment to their locker rooms to have a constant supply ready to go for their outties, and while those are checked by line workers, mistakes happen, and it might be their best chance, so she slips a note to herself in a supply box she knows (because they hack into Goddard’s shipping schedule) will end up in her outtie’s room with minimal checks, where she receives her space suit and equipment to change into her innie.

However, unbeknownst to her, this is also the room where they send Doug in, and Doug’s outtie, who arrives hungover, assumes the box must be for him, and rummages through it for a while before he realizes the suit is the wrong size. He’s about to correct his mistake when he sees the note in the box, saying that they should “leave and never return. Warn everyone!”. The paper has a Goddard Futuristics logo on it. It’s not outtie Eiffel’s handwriting, but he knows it’s familiar. He takes the note home to contemplate. Meanwhile, as part of Minkowski’s deal with Cutter (which was several paragraphs ago so I’ll remind you) outtie Minkowski does have a few selected memories of her time in space that make it look like she’s a brilliant astronaut. But then Minkowski starts to notice a few minor inconsistencies in her selected memories and the stories Cutter tells her and Dominik when he comes over for dinner that bother her way more than they should. There’s also a time she receives a selected memory from her innnie when Minkowski swears she recalls hearing the voice of someone who sounds very familiar to her, but she can’t quite place it. Eventually, she realizes it’s Doug’s voice, and outtie Doug, after contemplating the note for several days, realizes the handwriting is recognizable because it’s the same handwriting as all the notes on his door from outtie Minkowski asking him to not blast music at 3am and pick up his trash. The two eventually become unlikely friends, share what they’ve learned, and together they and Dominik try to come up with a way to save their innies and get out of this after they realize Cutter isn’t going to make it easy for them to simply quit. To make matter more complicated, Outtie Rachel lives in their building and has been reporting on their activities to Cutter. She notices Eiffel and Minkowski growing closer and their animosity disappearing, and it looks like she’s about to confirm Cutter’s suspicions when one day… she just doesn’t, though she continues spying on them (sort of like “Ms. Selvig” in severance). At first, a listener of this version of the show might question why Rachel didn’t turn them in, but in Rachel’s solo episode it’s revealed this incident all happened around the time one of her innie’s replaced her outtie. So while Rachel has the same mission to spy on them, she doesn’t remember the most recent details her outtie learned and has to start from scratch, and thus never has the chance to turn them in to Cutter. The episode ends with the new outtie Rachel entering and exploring her old outtie’s apartment similar to the way we would have seen her do when first introduced to the character, and we’d realize at this point she’s actually done this dozens of times already, with subtle changes in the sequence occurring each time, to the point where the listener/watcher of the show realizes it’s impossible to tell how many times this has happened or how much of the original Rachel is left at all. This is compounded by identical scenes of the Rachels googling and being unable to find themselves (because they were Andrea Nash, and that wasn’t even their real name) and concluding that “outtie” or not, she has no memory or life outside of Goddard, and indeed, hasn’t for a very long time, which is what Cutter intended.

Eventually, everything comes to ahead when it's revealed what Cutter's plan in this AU actually is. He wants to use severance to split the entire world in order to have perfect control over the population. For a certain time, people will believe this is better, that they have perfect lives at work and luxury lives on the outside. Then, slowly, Cutter will begin cutting people off from the outside (like they go up the elevator and returning thinking they were their outtie, but in reality, Cutter never lets them leave). This is to eventually keep the entire world's population as his slaves that he and Pryce can control, which is basically what already happened to Hilbert and Rachel, since they no longer have lives outside of Goddard. This is also dangerously close to what happened to Kepler, Jacobi, and Lovelace, since they only have their innie selves left thanks to the dear listeners ability to separate them, allowing their outties to be killed permanently. This is how Cutter uses the dear listeners as a tool to explore and test the severance procedure. Once Cutter's plan is discovered, the real battle begins when Miranda and Hera are split by the dear listeners. Miranda, seeing how much the others love and care for Hera, becomes extremely jealous of her. Hera, in turn, is disgusted by Miranda and how similar they are. Meanwhile, Maxwell, who is still alive in this AU, begins work on reintegration, so that people can merge their memories together. She tries it on herself, Minkowski, and Doug, the only people left who are severed besides Hera and Miranda who are now separated (since Kepler, Jacobi, and Lovelace only have their innies left now thanks to the dear listeners), and the procedure is successful, though complicated. The dear listeners, now seeing thanks to Maxwell's work that all of these people were indeed one person with a split memory stream (and not two people stuck in one body), attempt to fuse Miranda and Hera back together, much to the horror of everyone. Cutter tries to step in make a deal with the dear listeners to kill Hera and preserve Miranda, but then Doug and Minkowski quickly knock him out and take over. They can't kill him at the time because then they risk losing knowledge of the ship's codes to get home, so Maxwell severs him instead to keep him docile. Once severed, innie Cutter now has the personality of know-it-all schoolkid who, while entitled, annoying, sarcastic, and egotistical because of how quickly he's able to learn things, isn't blatantly evil as he has no motivation to kill anyone anymore, he just insults people. Slowly, he realizes the cool things his advanced body can do, and after asking if he's some sort of superhero and getting angry glances from the others, correctly concludes he's actually a supervillain which is why he's their prisoner, though innie Cutter can't remember why.

Meanwhile, Hera and Miranda, to the shock and horror of them both, are temporarily fused together by the dear listeners into a single person, who I'll call "Hera/Miranda" for now. This lasts for several weeks. The Hera part of this person now remembers the pain that Miranda suffered in her childhood, while the Miranda part grapples with everything she put herself through as Hera and now has genuine friendships and relationships with Minkowski and Doug to compare to her friendship with Cutter while feeling intense guilt for how she treated them as Miranda. However, now that Cutter has reverted back to a less-evil (but still obnoxious) version of himself as his innie, Hera/Miranda has ironically become warmer to him, finding that she prefers this version to the outtie Cutter, since this new innie Cutter is extremely impressed by her inventions and knowledge, and thus, acts kindly towards Hera/Miranda and is genuinely curious about her. Hera/Miranda prefer him to the Cutter she remembers, as the outtie Cutter was someone who tortured her when she was Hera, and while he was a friend and cared about Miranda, never treated her as an equal. However, her friendship with innie Cutter also causes Hera/Miranda to feel a lot of guilt because of her memories of when she was just Miranda, and the awful things she did, compounded by the fact that just Hera would never have any sympathy or warm feelings for Cutter and instead would be completely loyal to her friends. Innie Cutter, who eventually figures out what's happening and that he's severed, asks Hera/Miranda who she is going to side with when outtie Cutter (who innie Cutter calls "supervillain me") comes back, and Hera/Miranda mumbles that she doesn't know. It's a difficult situation because while Hera/Miranda now remembers that she's spent most of her life working for Cutter as Miranda, she also remembers that her best and warmest memories were when she was Hera, and knows that when outtie Cutter returns, he will demand she turn against her friends.

Eventually, Doug and Minkowski convince the aliens to separate Hera and Miranda into separate bodies. The aliens warn that while they can separate their memory streams again, the memories Hera and Miranda had when they were one person will remain, for both of them. The team agrees. Once separated, the group immediately take Miranda prisoner and welcome back Hera, who is relieved to be just Hera again, though she now remembers what it was like when the two were one person, and feels ashamed to have been part of someone so miserable and bitter and mean, even for a moment, though she now understands more about why Miranda is the way she is. Meanwhile, Miranda is experiencing her own conflicting feelings of jealousy at the friendships Hera has with the others while at the same time feeling angry at herself for actually caring about them now that she has fond memories of them from when she was integrated with Hera, and even finds herself admiring Hera for her morals, resiliance, and principles. However, the team hardly has time to deal with this before it's revealed that in splitting Miranda and Hera into separate bodies, whatever the dear listeners did split up the Cutters too. Innie Cutter, realizing that his outtie self will likely ultimately kill him, slips away in the chaos. Then it becomes a war of Cutter and Miranda against the others. Cutter notices Miranda's hesitation, and since he isn't aware Miranda and Hera were ever integrated, is confused about what happened to her and why she's acting so strangely. Miranda doesn't explain, and struggles with the memories of genuine happiness, moments of warmth, friendship, and forgiveness she felt when she was Hera/Miranda, and the fact that she is now just Miranda and is now actively trying to kill her former friends. She tries to tell herself that they were only really friends with Hera, not her, but that's difficult to tell herself because for a time, Hera/Miranda was her. In an actual podcast, several episodes would cover the Hera/Miranda plotline, so the characters would spend a lot of time with her building trust and trying to figure out how to get back to Earth and what to do with Innie Cutter. This makes Miranda feel all the more connected to them, which makes this a very difficult moral dilemma for her. At one point, Hera and/or Doug try to reach out to Miranda and offer her a chance to turn on Cutter, but Miranda harshly replies that whatever happened was a fluke, a brief moment where her merger with Hera made a different person, someone who is gone now. Hera tells her they both know that's not how this works, but Miranda angrily tells them to leave and never come back, refusing to come with them. This comes from a mixture of her still feeling loyal to Cutter and angry at herself for having doubts and feeling ashamed of her past actions. Eventually, the gang successfully leaves for Earth leaving Outtie Cutter in the airlock to be blasted into space, leaving only Miranda (who refused to join them) and Innie Cutter (who disappeared) still on board drifting through space, but unthreatened. Miranda is about to rescue Outtie Cutter, when he gleefully mentions that he has a plan to kill Hera, Doug, Minkowski, and the others, assuming Miranda will be pleased. However, this causes Miranda to hesitate opening the airlock, and she finds that while she can't bring herself to blast outtie Cutter into space, she also has to accept that the idea of murdering the people who were kind to her when she was Hera/Miranda now horrifies her.

However, Miranda doesn't need to make the decision of whether Cutter should live or die herself, because her hesitation gives just enough time for innie Cutter to stroll in and blast his outtie self into space. Miranda stands there in shock, staring after him, watching the only friend she had for years die in front of her. Innie Cutter tells her not to be sad about his death because "by all accounts, he deserved it. Plus he was well over one hundred years old, which I'd say is a pretty good life" and "be honest, you like me better anyway". He then tells Miranda she's brilliant and proposes that two of them can change the world (much like the "build me a doll" speech), though innie Cutter proposes they "try to make less enemies this time around". Miranda agrees, and the two leave in a ship together.

Meanwhile, innie Kepler, innie Jacobi, and innie Lovelace return to Earth and try to pick up the pieces of the lives their now deceased outties left behind. Reintegrated Maxwell reunites with her family, who Dominik has been interviewing for his latest news article exposing Goddard Futuristics and the severance procedure. Maxwell now works to reintegrate everyone on Earth who was severed by Cutter and Pryce and herself. Hera moves in with the newly integrated Doug, who is now allowed to see Anne again. They frequently go to Minkowski's house for dinner, and Doug apologizes for being a bad neighbor, to which Minkowski replies that it doesn't matter now, because he was a great coworker and the perfect crewmate.

So that's my AU. Sorry for the spelling errors and rambling, but I hope someone likes this.

[handeaux]

Cincinnati Inventor Samuel Barriett Said The Dead Speak, But Left Three Widows (And A Mistress) Mystified

Over its long history, our beloved city has never lacked for cranks, kooks and oddballs. If Cincinnati ever unveils a Screwball Hall of Fame, it will be densely populated, but Samuel Lawrence Barriett would certainly occupy a central display.

Barriett was known as an inventor, and it is true that he held some patents, but his greatest talent was self-promotion. The fact is, lots of people acquired patents for their inventions, but Barriett built his reputation on descriptions of inventions he never actually finished. So effective was his salesmanship that Cincinnati newspapers shamelessly compared Barriett to the “Wizard of Menlo Park” himself, Thomas Edison.

So, what did Barriett actually invent? You must certainly be familiar with the self-oiling ring oiler, the improved punch, the automatic switch for electrical apparatus, and the automatic return rheostat. No? How about the electrical process to depilate sealskins? Or the self-belter for sewing machines? All very useful devices, no doubt, but hardly on the scale of electric light bulbs, phonographs and motion pictures.

Barriett was certainly adept at promoting his own image. When Cincinnati���s entire electrical system went kaput in 1902, the relatively new Cincinnati Gas & Electric Company (previously the Cincinnati Gas, Light and Coke Company) was befuddled. Barriett offered a $30,000 wager to the electric utility as a guarantee he could solve the problem within two hours. CG&E President Andrew Hickenlooper may not have known electricity, but he did know flim-flam, and told the Enquirer [27 September 1902]:

“We will have nothing to do with this man Barriett, because he talked in a manner that impressed me he would be unable to aid us in anyway.”

This is not to deny Barriett’s creativity at all. During the Spanish-American War, Barriett was hired to churn out artillery shells at a factory connected to West Point. He dramatically increased production while lowering costs. Barriett also developed an electric motor of his own design and built a factory in Cincinnati to manufacture it.

But the inventions that built Barriett’s reputation never saw the light of day. Barriett created quite a stir with his announcement that he would soon offer for sale a device that sounds remarkably like Dick Tracy’s Two-Way Wrist Radio. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer [23 October 1904]:

“Barriett has about perfected a little instrument which a man may carry like a watch. It is in fact a limited wireless telephone affair that will carry messages, he says, over a radius of four miles and is for pocket use.”

He also claimed to be working on a sort of videophone, long before television itself had even been invented.

“Barriett has for over a year been working at times on a system all his own, whereby he proposes to make it possible for a person talking over a telephone to see the one at the other end of the line. This has been wrought upon by others, but he affirms that he has a scheme by which this will be accomplished.”

But perhaps the farthest out unpatented invention Barriett boasted about was his method for contacting the dead. He told the Enquirer:

“If the dead speak they shall be heard, no matter if they speak here or elsewhere. I have a plan by which I hope to artificially produce a magnified or refined sense of hearing. When I have concluded one step in this direction it will lead to others, which will culminate in an instrument, by which a man hidden away in a cave or under the sea, far removed from ordinary sound, may hear the spiritual voice, if it exists in the universe.”

For someone so interested in listening to the dead, Barriett was abnormally reluctant to join the departed. He was obsessively paranoid to the extent he would not open mail addressed to him, either business or personal, because he was convinced someone was trying to kill him by an explosive device. He had no qualms about letting his secretary open all of his mail.

For someone so averse to dying, it is therefore beyond ironic that Barriett apparently died by suicide in a Dayton, Ohio, boarding house in 1905. Although friends and business associates vociferously protested that Barriett had no reason to take his own life, investigators discovered that he had locked himself in his room and turned the gas up to full pressure. According to the Enquirer:

“They claim there was a stifling odor in the room Tuesday night, which was doubtless created by unconsumed gas. This, they believe, produced asphyxiation.”

Whether his death was intentional or accidental, Barriett created a most interesting afterlife when three widows appeared to assert their claims to his estate and it was revealed that his business partner was probably also his mistress.

The first wife to emerge was Georgia Barriett, living in New York with two daughters aged 15 and 9 and an infant son. For several years, Samuel Barriett had lived with this family in an apartment on Park Avenue in Walnut Hills. About a year before his death, he and Georgia separated and she moved to New York City, taking the children with her. It came out that Samuel Barriett had applied for a divorce from Georgia five years previously, but the divorce had never been finalized and he continued to live with her for four years as man and wife, qualifying her – even if the divorce had been finalized – for status as a common-law wife.

No sooner had Georgia Barriett staked her claim, than Mamie Barriett of Brooklyn announced her intention to prove that she was the only true and legitimate widow of Samuel Barriett. She arrived in Cincinnati with a young son. It appears that Samuel Barriett married Mamie in 1888. Samuel was arrested on their wedding day for “some mysterious charge, in which a woman was involved.” It proved unclear whether they had ever divorced.

As the two Mrs. Barrietts and their attorneys lined up for a legal showdown, word arrived that there was yet a third Mrs. Barriett in Texas with another child. The Texas widow was identified as Barriett’s first wife and it appeared they were legally divorced.

The source of much of this marital information was Mrs. Lena Behrens, regularly described as Barriett’s secretary. Mrs. Behrens was indeed the secretary, but she was no stenographer. She owned and operated her own saddlery company and was a major investor and an officer in Barriett’s corporation. As his business partner she held the position of secretary in the Barriett Motor Corporation of which Samuel was president. Their tangled relationship caught the attention of the Cincinnati Commercial Tribune, which published [16 February 1905] an exposé outing Mrs. Behrens and Mr. Barriett as something more than business partners. The newspaper revealed, for example, that they just happened to live at the same address. Mrs. Behrens, herself a widow, was described as “a most attractive woman of 28.” She (actually 38 years old) denied anything other than a business connection:

“People circulated romantic stories, and I have suffered much to be with him and aid him to the success that seemed within his reach just before his death. Mr. Barriett was one of those peculiar men given to study and experimenting, and not disposed to make love, but, nevertheless most lovable.”

In other words, “We were just good friends.”

Curiously, the two battling widows and Mrs. Behrens all admitted to pouring large sums of money into Barriett’s business. It was not a good investment. At his death, Barriett’s estate was worth just $5,000 and his debts far exceeded his assets. The widows were fighting over the widow’s allowance – a few hundred dollars – rather than any windfall. It appears neither got anything because the estate was declared insolvent, although Mrs. Behrens may have received a small amount as a creditor. The corporation reorganized and renamed itself and was eventually sold.

Samuel Barriett, who has not communicated from beyond, is buried in Spring Grove Cemetery. His widows rest elsewhere. Lena Behrens died in 1949, aged 82, and is buried in Cave Hill Cemetery in Louisville.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Seventeen Thoughts on Being an Idol

Alright ya'll it took me months to finish this. It has been in my drafts forever, so going to post this finally. I will say overall this isn't the wildest, but some interesting tidbits, mostly from the older line. The younger ones did not want to say much, so not sure how accurate theirs are, because I felt like I had to guess theirs a bit more and they were confusing. I definitely enjoyed what the older ones had to share though.

S.Coups

What he likes? (The Empress) His ability to create the life he has wanted. The ability to create beautiful things. To just show his creative energy. There are lots of seeds he has planted. It is like the fruits of his labor has been nurtured and flourished. Creativity just flows through him as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (The Emperor rv) I love how we got the Empress and now the Emporer here. He may not like the lack of control he has as an idol. There is a sense he likes to have control of things and as an idol it may be hard, there is a lack of strategy and planning there is that he may not like either. He may also not like overcontrolling figures in the industry as well.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (7 of Pentacles) He has kind of learned that he is stifled a bit. That there is a concocted image of him. That he has to be a certain way. That things move a bit slow, or there is a bit of stagnation here. He wasn't able to build upon something. It is like he has to stay in line and in place.

Thoughts on fans? (Strength) Love this card for this question. He sees them as strong. It is like they are his strength. As you can see, the card is represented by a powerful woman, and many fans are women. So, he respects their power and strength. They stand by their group no matter what. They are a pillar to the group.

I feel like I liked his responses the best out of any group I have done so far.

Jeonghan

What he likes? (Wheel of Fortune) It gets him closer to his goal. It keeps him moving. Being an idol is a positive direction in his life. He is always growing and evolving as an idol. It gives him the financial security he needs. He seems to feel he is lucky to be in the position he is in.

What doesn't he like? (The Empress) Interesting card here. Weird message, but I am getting a feminine energy may steal his shine or take his creative energy. Also, his creative work may not get noticed at all. It is like he puts the work in, but it goes nowhere. There could be an overbearing feminine energy here too.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (Page of Wands) There was a curious nature to him, a need for him to get out of his comfort zone. He may have played it safe, but no longer wanted to do that. As an idol he is able to explore new territory. He comes off as a very cautious, timid person, but there is a passion for him to try more and do things that scare him a bit, so maybe that is what pushed him to be an idol.

Thoughts on fans? (The Magician) He believes they are skilled and talented. It is like he manifested them into his life. Having fans that adore him is something he has wanted. They bring him a lot of confidence. He also enjoys communicating with them as well. They may also inspire him to create. They just make him feel powerful.

Joshua

What he likes? (9 of Pentacles) Independent freedom. His ability to make his own money and to be able to enjoy the fruits of his labor. To spend the money, he wants. He enjoys all the success and what he was able to accomplish as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (Knight of Cups) He may not like being vulnerable or emotional. He may not like being emotional available to fans or acting like a romantic interest to them. He doesn't really like to wear his heart on his sleeve. Although, I feel he is a sweetheart. He may like to keep things casual than act all romantic and emotional.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (5 of Wands) That it is a dog fight out there. You got to fight and compete to get where you need to be in this industry. People will need to fight and compete to get their place in the industry. Also, there are a lot of people with big egos. A lot of battles and arguments.

Thoughts on fans? (7 of Pentacles) I find this card so weird for what someone thinks of fans. He may feel they keep him in a box, they limit him. It is like they have a concocted image of him. He projects a certain image, but can't be his true self, a sense of stagnation here. This is not my favorite card to get for this question, but it is what it is, still love you. This is only one card, so this doesn't explain his thoughts on fans as a whole, but it does say a lot lol

Junhui

What he likes? (6 of Cups) The loving memories of the past. This may have been a childhood dream of his. It seems he focuses heavily on the past though. Like he may have enjoyed the beginnings of being an idol. The freshness of it all. It is like this dream was passed down to him. That doesn't make sense to me, but okay. There is a strong connection with his childhood here, it makes him feel like a child again. Weird, but okay Jun.

What doesn't he like? (Temperance) The calmness, the peace and tranquility. This is weird, why would he not like this, does he prefer things to be chaotic and messy? The fluidity of it, once again, just the messenger, not sure what that means either. Dipping his toe into something but not going fully in, like he may want to go all out, he may want things to be a bit crazier and wilder. Like things are a bit too calm for his liking, really!? How? Oh man, love these weirdos sometimes. I say that with lots of love.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (9 of Pentacles) That has to be independent and stand on his own, to make his own way in the world. He will need to be vulnerable and expose a bit of himself to get there. Not sure he means literally or figuratively, or both. To always look for his best interest and accumulate all he can.

Thoughts on Fans? (The High Priestess) Not the witchcraft, spells card again lol He may be into spell work, or he thinks the fans are. He may find they obtain lots of knowledge about him, or he keeps things from fans, and doesn't like to share a lot about himself. He may also find them very intuitive. They seem to have sacred knowledge. I wonder if he knows about Tarot readers that read for them. He may know about it. He might do protection spells on himself to be honest.

Hoshi

What he likes? (King of Cups) That he can show his more emotional and vulnerable side. That he can put it all out there. I mean the KOC's in this deck is bare naked, so he doesn't mind showing himself. I mean he isn't going to get naked, but just the ability to be open and vulnerable. It is like he can pour his true emotions as an idol. I guess if he wasn't an idol he may not be able to do that. It is like he loves to give his cup of love to others. He may also like helping others feel better as well. There seems to be a lot of depth to him, but not sure we see that, not sure why that came up, but yeah, now I am curious about doing his perspective reading.

What doesn't he like? (King of Swords) This makes sense with what he got for what he likes, it is like the opposite of what he likes. He doesn't like people who just use intellect, tact and logic. People who lack compassion and emotional depth. People who like this a certain way and just aren't open or understanding to other people's opinion. This got to be the higher ups or something. People who are just cold to be honest.

What has he experienced/learned in the past? (The Fool) That being an idol is a journey, and that one will make mistakes and look like a fool. It is all part of the journey. He learned to wipe the slate clean and learn to let go and start over. He also learned to keep things simple.

Thoughts on fans? (King of Pentacles) He feel very generous and appreciated of the fans. He knows he wouldn't be as successful without him. That all he has is because of the fans. He may feel spoiled by them. They make him feel powerful, abundant and successful. He sees that they pamper him a lot and maybe they give him lots of gifts. He feels they take good care of him.

Okay, love his energy, so far this group answers have been my favorite with this series.

Wonwoo

What he likes? (The High Priestess) Umm, this along with his thoughts on the fans gives me a weird vibe lol Once again, this card is a very ritualistic card in this deck, witch crafty and spell work type of card, so there is hidden knowledge he knows that he likes. There are like things he is privy to as an idol. Sacred things, sacred knowledge wtf is this? Is there some book of spells they give these idols wtf

What doesn't he like? (7 of Wands) To have to fight for his place on the top, or to compete, the aggressive energy that surrounds him, or people always trying to take him down. It feels like he always has to have his guard up and defend himself.

What has he experienced/learned in the past? (Queen of Cups) There is a loving motherly figure in his past that he holds dear, not sure if this is his Mom, but I figure she would be the Empress, so this may be someone very loving and caring in his past that may have helped him out. And gave him a lot of support. Not sure why this is significant though.

Thoughts on fans? (The Druid) He may like the hold he has on them, this also gives me ritualistic vibes. Are they taught to put spells on fans?, because I legit think some do, not going to lie, not going to share why I feel that way though. Like to make them love them and buy their shit, to make them money. I swear this is a thing idgaf. Anyway, this is how I feel here.

Woozi

What he likes? (The Moon/8 of Swords) Sweetie what is this? I feel he is also someone that escapes things and the idol life is a good way to escape things. There is a mystery to him, something he may want to hide and he likes uses the idol life to do that.

What he doesn't like? (Queen of Cups) There could be someone he is at odds with. Once again, getting being offered things, like drinks. This is weird having a queen of cups as a dislike, this is a caring and loving person. I am starting to see why I forgot him. It seems he may be hiding things. Because he doesn't really make sense.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Page of Swords) To defend his ideas or himself. Or that he has to keep some things to himself and not share a lot of information with others. To be cautious of what he says.

Thoughts on fans? (Knight of Pentacles) They bring him money lol They help support him financially. He is pretty matter of fact on that one.

Dokyeom

What he likes? (The Magician) He kind of likes the power he holds as an idol. He may like that he can manipulate things a bit. That he was able to create the life he wanted. He seems to like that he has the ability to showcase his skills and talents. To communicate that to the masses.

What doesn't he like? (Justice) He may not like having to keep a straight face or being stoic about things. Maybe he wished people were more emotional or weren't so matter of fact about things. That people play it safe and try to be too fair about things. I am confused about what this means to be honest.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (10 of Swords) Lots of betrayal, hurt, pain, tons of mental exhaustion.

Thoughts on fans? (7 of Cups) They can be a bit deluded lol I mean it seems he had a lot of love for the fans. He may daydream about them. I mean, he himself may be deluded about fans.

Yeah, he didn't really want to say much, I get it.

Mingyu

What he likes? (Queen of Swords) I am getting the power of his words. There is something about being able to inform people of things, observing and gathering information. Also, gaining knowledge and experience through this. He might like how cut-throat it can be. It is like he has information to offer wtf is this? This is a weird message for a like. Okay, looking at his dislike, he may like that he stands above all the cruelty and cut throatiness by rising above it and observing.

What doesn't he like? (5 of Swords) The cruelty, harshness of it all, backstabbing people. People trying to break you down. A lot of nastiness behind it all and cruel words.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (7 of Wands/Page of Wands) To stand his ground and be on guard. That he always has to defend and protect himself. That he should be cautious about how he proceeds with things. It is like he needs to keep himself protected. Abd also to protect his creative energy. Also, there will always be obstacles that may stand in his way, and that he should defend himself through these obstacles.

Thoughts on fans? (Wheel of Fortune) He feels fortunate to have fans. They help him grow and prosper. He would like to see continuous growth. They help him move up in life.

Minghao

What he likes? (Queen of Cups) Sharing his love to others. Giving light to others. Spreading love of some sort. He may also enjoy the love he receives. But he enjoys pouring his love to others.

What doesn't he like? (10 of Pentacles) Being a money maker for others. A money machine, a product for others. That is what he may feel he is for others.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Strength) To find strength within himself. To tap into that divine feminine energy of being still, patient and allow his intuition to guide him. To find self-love and acceptance. All the challenges he may have been through has helped him become a stronger person. He has shown resilience through it all. He knows the power within himself.

Thoughts on fans? (10 of Wands) He may feel a burden, exhausted. Maybe just all the energy he as to put into pleasing the fans. I don't see this negatively, just that he carries a lot of the weight, or pressure on himself to do well for the fans, also all the work he has to do to keep the fans happy.

Seungkwan

What he likes? (6 of Cups) The lovely memories he made with fans and the members. These are things he can hold on to. Lots of lovely past memories. Also, the ability to live out his childhood dream.

What he doesn't like? (Knight of Cups) I think this may have to do with drinks they are offered. Or people pretending that they care. People being fake and showing fake concern. Or that he has to pour a lot of his emotions to others.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Wheel of Fortune) That overall, he is fortunate and lucky to have what he has and that he needs to keep moving forward and pushing ahead. It is all about forward movement. I guess that is something he learned.

Thoughts on fans? (10 of Wands) Why does this keep popping up. They are burnt out and tired, maybe for all the concerts and performances and content they have to do, it is all draining and I guess he connects that with the fans.

Vernon

What he likes? (3 of Pentacles) Working with his members. Coming together as a team. That they all get along and collaborate well with one another. He enjoys the process of getting the work done with his team. Interesting like.

What doesn't he like? (The Sun) I always see this card as like the stolen youth card. Being treated like children. Not able to grow up and mature. Kind of being stunted in a sense. Maybe, not allowing his creativity to grow and shine and maybe flourish.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (King of Cups rv) Emotional turmoil, the industry has kind of made him numb emotionally, to kind of learn to shut it off and be a bit cold. To not really show vulnerable sides of himself.

Thoughts on fans? (Ace of Cups) He has a lot of love for fans. Is he going to pour his heart out to fans, share some emotional letter? Not sure why that came up. But this card is about pouring your emotions and love to the fans. But he has overwhelming love for fans. Cute.

Dino

What he likes? (7 of Pentacles) I guess he likes being manufactured lol It is like he may like having a certain image and upholding it. Weird card as a like. This is about someone whose image is created by others and someone stunted. Maybe he likes being told what to do and how to behave. It is less pressure on him. This I don't understand. He may like the curated image he has as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (King of Swords) A stubborn person, I just heard ignorant, okay. Someone who can be harsh with their words, someone who lacks empathy and emotions. Cruel and cold. I am thinking this is a person, but maybe, people like this. I am getting stubborn and ignorant.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Justice) To be fair, logical and smart about things. To not get overly emotional about things. To keep a level head and to not get caught up in sh** or messes. I am getting stay neutral.

Thoughts on fans? (Judgment) There is a baby on the card, does he think his fans are babies? Or he may think fans will judge him if he tries to mature or do anything outside the box or if he steps outside of what they expect, he may think they coddle and baby them.

Okay, took months to finish this, but finally got it done. I say the older members gave me much more tea. The younger members were a bit more silent or just don't really have tea.